Photo by Iflwlou

You guys aren't going to believe this, but Abercrombie & Fitch? They are into hardbody types.

So this week everyone got really upset at the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch, Mike Jeffries, after a seven-year-old Salon article surfaced in which he stated the only customers he's interested in serving are the "cool kids," and that "a lot of people don't belong" in his clothes or store. Further, according to Robin Lewis (a "retail expert" and consultant), Jeffries is only interested in catering to young, attractive clients.

The Internet exploded, naturally, and Mike Jeffries became one of the most hated guys-you-never-heard-of-before just about overnight. My initial reaction to this attitude--conflating "coolness" with thinness, and the blatant use of "otherness" as a branding strategy--was shock and anger.

But my question is this: Have you ever been in, or even walked past, an Abercrombie & Fitch? If the answer is "yes," you should honestly have been ready for this level of douche-ness.

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That impending sense of dread as the mercury climbs higher and higher up the thermostat, coupled with increasing humidity; the inevitability of leaving the air conditioning running day and night; the explosive growth of displays of sunscreen at the drugstore. These are just a few of the signs that summer is just around the corner.

Plus, you know, the calendar. It's May.

Whether you covet the deep, dark tan of a 1980s Coppertone commercial, or (like me) you're counting the days until October, here is a list of must-have items to help you survive summer in Houston.

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It's wedding season!

You read that sentence in one of two ways: Your internal voice was full of joy and excitement, OR your internal voice was filled with dread for the weekend-killing, money-spending nuptial events.

As someone who has been in eight weddings (counting the one where I was the bride) and attended -- and this is a rough estimate -- in the neighborhood of 60-plus weddings, I'm a self-certified wedding expert. I know the etiquette for attending, bridesmaid-ing, bridal-ing, sending regrets and everything in between. Of all my pet peeves about weddings (and there are many, believe you me), one of the biggest is wedding attire; specifically, in terms of what lady guests are wearing.

What are you thinking? Let's go over some rules before you start buying new dresses.

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Photo by Caroline Bonarde Ucci

Under no circumstances is Dame Helen on this list.

Sometimes (every day) I daydream about what it would be like to have piles of money and access to more designer clothes and makeup than I could ever possibly wear in one lifetime. This habit is kind of hilarious, when you consider I hardly wear any of the piles of clothes in my own closet, instead rotating the same few dresses and jeans/tops combo for my day-to-day, work-from-home life.

If I were living a life of endless photograph-able opportunities, I like to think I'd really go crazy, mixing it up all the time and trying cool new things. After all, I wouldn't have to make decisions (stylists!) or go shopping (personal shoppers!) or do my own hair or makeup; if people were just handing me things, I would try out new stuff all the time. So why do so many beautiful women in Hollywood always look kind of ... the same?

All of these ladies always look great, but I want all of them to go totally bonkers and wear something different. Let's play Dress Up the Rich Celebrity!

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You didn't really think I was going to use a photo of MY boobs, did you?

In which we talk about boobs...

Several years ago, when Oprah Winfrey still rocked our mid-afternoons with book clubs and hot topics, The Big O set off a firestorm -- a Bra Revolution -- with a segment on proper bra fittings that included fittings for her entire audience, courtesy of Nordstrom. The takeaway from The Big O's Bra Extravaganza: Most women are wearing the wrong size undergarments. Online articles back up that claim, estimating that 80 to 85 percent (!) of women are walking around in ill-fitting lingerie.

The solution: Professional Bra Fitting.

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Photo by Christina Uticone

"You didn't bring a sweater?! Hope you don't want to go INSIDE this weekend."

Hey Houston -- spring is here! You can tell because the air conditioning is not yet set to "Arctic." You can also tell because all of the fashion mags are in the throes of ecstasy that accompany a change of season. Did you know you need new clothes? And new shoes? And new makeup? And new perfume? At the very least, you need a new swimsuit!

And speaking of air conditioning, there is one thing no one told me I would need more than anything else come the Houston summer swelter -- and that thing is summer sweaters. 'Tis true! When I moved here in January of 2010, I purchased new swimsuits, new beach cover-ups, new shorts and skirts, and lots and lots of tank tops. Fast-forward to May 2010, and you know what? I was freezing my ass off because every building in the city -- including my apartment -- has the a/c cranked up.

I learned my lesson, so now each spring I spend a significant amount of time shopping for sweaters and wraps to help prevent freezing to death in the middle of summer. Let's take a look at some of the more interesting options out there.

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Photo by Christina Uticone

Equal to one plane ticket to Europe. Seriously.

A funny thing happened on Instagram during New York Fashion Week. Designers began posting behind-the-scenes photos of their fashion shows, and they were including lots and lots of details about the models' manicures. The idea, naturally, was cross-promotion with the brands they were using. Essie was big, as were Deborah Lippman, Sally Hansen and butter London.

This was all happening at the tail end of red-carpet season, during which the E! Network introduced its "mani-cam": Celebrities being interviewed on the red carpet were asked to stick their hand in a little box -- complete with a red carpet and a camera -- to talk about the details of their manicures. It makes sense, as nail polish is big business these days. ($768 million in 2012.) Most high-end lines create seasonal and/or limited collections (butter London, Essie) or include nail polish in their overall seasonal collections (Chanel, NARS).

I have a pretty extensive nail polish collection, so I dragged it out to see what I could find to re-create some of what I saw on Instagram. And what I found was this: I'm a sucker.

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Photo via What Not to Wear on Facebook

What Not to Wear used to be the most frivolous of TLC's programming, back when TLC still stood for "The Learning Channel," and featured shows about science, history, technology -- you know, stuff you might want to know more about. Today TLC is the network that brings us Honey Boo Boo, Long Island Medium, Sister Wives and Breaking Amish.

Shows like those above (among others) are what makes WNTW just about the only show airing on TLC teaching us anything at all. Are the fashion lessons that hosts Stacy London and Clinton Kelly give frivolous? Before one says "Yes!" one should consider the state most contestants arrive in -- anywhere between "all day in sweats" and "slutty club attire for grocery shopping and/or kids' parties."

Now, after a decade on the air, Stacy and Clinton have decided to stop jumping out at unsuspecting fashion victims and waving $5,000 gift cards in their faces.

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Photo by Kenneth Allen

Parade-appropriate vs. pop of color. Up to you.

You have two options for St. Patrick's day attire: full leprechaun regalia or a tasteful touch of green to let your inner Irish -- real or symbolic -- shine through.

There is something to be said for the full-on wearin'-o-the-green. It's definitely a conversation starter, and if you are ethnically Irish on both sides of your family (or just a giant Notre Dame fan), it probably feels mandatory. But for those of us who want to participate in St. Patrick's Day without necessarily looking like we mixed up our holidays with that October one, let's take a look at some stylish ways to scream I'M IRISH TODAY, TOO, DAMMIT. Only whisper it.

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Photo by Downtowngal

The mythical "your shit actually fits inside" evening bag. Somebody predicted smartphones!

Dudes are so lucky. Everything they need fits inside of a folded piece of leather that fits in their pockets. Also--they always have pockets. Not true for the ladies, as evidenced by our ever-present need for a bag. On a weekday it might be a tote, or large purse, so that we can haul everything from makeup to laptops to kiddie gear, but even when we're traveling light--date night, yet another gala fundraiser, or the red carpet events to which we receive an endless stream of invitations--we still require a bag for stashing our stuff. You see, very few of our very pretty dresses come with pockets ... and sometimes the ones that do come with pockets just make us look like squirrels who stash nuts in our hips.

During award season we hear a lot about dresses and designers, and a little bit about shoes, but often the handbags get lost in the shuffle. On the red carpet, the occasional celebrity remembers to give a shout-out to her handbag designer ("Oh, and my bag is by Jimmy Choo/Rebecca Minkoff/Judith Leiber.") but other than that, the evening bag gets short shrift. Let's correct that.

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