Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Dumb and Dumber To

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Title: Dumb and Dumber To

Is It Worth The 20 Year Wait? Nothing is worth a 20-year wait, except perhaps the reunion of the cast of D2: The Mighty Ducks. Because really, who wasn't looking forward to that?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One bottle of Turbo Lax out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Moronic duo trek across America to find one's long lost daughter while contemplating the paradox of existence. They also fart a lot.

Tagline: "The average person uses 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what they could do with 1 percent."

Better Tagline: "The sequel no one wanted, including the cast and filmmakers."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Big Hero 6

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Title: Big Hero 6

Based On A Marvel Comic, Yes? Any Cameos? You won't see Dancing Baby Groot anywhere, but there is a post-credits scene.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Mummenschanz (Mummenschanzes?) out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Kid programs killer robot to avenge brother's death. Kind of.

Tagline: "From the creators of Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen."

Better Tagline: "Did we mention Frozen? Everybody liked Frozen, right?"


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Birdman

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Title: Birdman

Is This A Sequel To Condorman? Yes, in the sense it's about a guy who played a bird-themed superhero in the movies. No, in the sense that -- unlike Condorman -- the movies in question grossed more than a buck-fifty,

Rating Using Random Objects Related To The Film: Three-and-a-half Judge Mentok the Mind-Takers out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Former superhero actor seeks validation (and an end to the voices in his head) on Broadway.

Tagline: [actually subtitle] "The Unexpected Value of Ignorance"

Better Tagline: "Batman vs. The Hulk! Sort of."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
John Wick

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Title: John Wick

This Time, It's Personal? And how.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four Chow Yun-Fats out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Retired button man is unable to comprehend the concept of "proportionate response."

Tagline: "Don't set him off."

Better Tagline: "Sadness is a cold puppy" (with apologies to Charles Schultz).

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Fury

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Title: Fury

Can't Get Enough of Those Nazis. Even better, most of the bad guys in the movie are SS, which are, like, the Naziest.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three Rommels out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Veteran WWII tank commander must contend with rookie driver while trying to survive the 2nd Armored Division's final push into Germany.

Tagline: "War never ends quietly."

Better Tagline: "Das Platoon."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Equalizer

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Title: The Equalizer

Cool, Does Edward Woodward Have A Cameo? Woodward died in 2009, you insensitive clod.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Breaker Morants out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Mysterious loner likes teenage hookers, dislikes Russians.

Tagline: "What do you see when you look at me?"

Better Tagline: "Hold still, there's something on your neck."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Maze Runner

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Title: The Maze Runner

Finally! I've Been Wondering What Happened to Tom Hanks After His Psychotic Break. You're thinking of Mazes and Monsters, though Dylan O'Brien does kind of resemble a young Pardieu.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three Goblin Kings out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Amnesiac young man wakes up in mysterious place that's part Lord of the Flies, part Pac-Man.

Tagline: "Get ready to run."

Better Tagline: "Despite all my rage something something cage."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Drop

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Title: The Drop

Is This Set In Boston Like Every Other Dennis Lehane Story? No, Brooklyn. Maybe Gandolfini couldn't do a Southie accent.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Members Only jackets out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Good-natured bartender finds a dog, a girl, and a heap of trouble, sort of in that order.

Tagline: None. Expect them to get a lot of mileage out of "James Gandolfini's final film appearance."

Better Tagline: "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive ... look, a puppy!"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The November Man

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Title: The November Man

Where Does a November Man Rate On The Scale Of Cinematic Homo sapiens? Slightly above The January Man and substantially below The Omega Man.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Rubber Souls out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-spook is coaxed out of retirement for one last opportunity to murder indiscriminately in violation of international law.

Tagline: "A spy is never out of the game."

Better Tagline: "On Her Majesty's Senior Discount."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

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Title: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Would You? Kill For Eva Green, I Mean? This interview is over.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Bon Scotts out of five (RIP).

Brief Plot Synopsis: Tough mugs and bad broads live, love, and commit murder in a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Tagline: "There is no justice without sin."

Better Tagline: "But pants are optional."

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