Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The November Man

tnm0829.jpg
Title: The November Man

Where Does a November Man Rate On The Scale Of Cinematic Homo sapiens? Slightly above The January Man and substantially below The Omega Man.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Rubber Souls out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-spook is coaxed out of retirement for one last opportunity to murder indiscriminately in violation of international law.

Tagline: "A spy is never out of the game."

Better Tagline: "On Her Majesty's Senior Discount."


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

scadtkf0822.jpg
Title: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Would You? Kill For Eva Green, I Mean? This interview is over.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Bon Scotts out of five (RIP).

Brief Plot Synopsis: Tough mugs and bad broads live, love, and commit murder in a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Tagline: "There is no justice without sin."

Better Tagline: "But pants are optional."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Expendables 3

expendables3-0815.jpg
Title: The Expendables 3: The Snipening

Best One-Liner That Actually Might Have Come From an '80s Action Movie: "I *am* the Hague."

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Roger Murtaughs out of five:

Brief Plot Synopsis: Elite mercenary team hunt rogue arms dealer that used to be one of their own.

Tagline: "New team. New attitude. New mission."

Better Tagline: "Thanks to HGH, Viagra, and Just for Men, you're *never* too old for this shit."


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

tmnt0808.jpg
Title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Cowabunga? I was mercifully unaware of the turtles during most of their initial run, though I do consider Michelangelo Corey Feldman's finest role.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One "Ninja Rap" out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Hideously mutated reptiles battle bioweapon-enabled criminals, everybody loses.

Tagline: "Mysterious. Dangerous. Reptilious. You've never seen heroes like this."

Better Tagline: "Not since 2007, anyway."


More »

Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Guardians Of The Galaxy

gotg0801.jpg
Title: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians Or The Avengers? In a fight? I'm pretty sure any team with Thor and the Hulk in it are odds-on favorites. The Guardians are more like the annoying kid brother. Or cousin Oliver.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Five Guido the killer pimps out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Misfit heroes team up to, uh, guard the galaxy.

Tagline: "When things get bad, they'll do their worst."

Better Tagline: "What's space opera, doc?"

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Lucy

lucy2014.jpg
Title: Lucy

Would You Take A Drug That Allowed You To Use 100 Percent Of Your Brain? If you did, you probably wouldn't be allowed to live in America anymore.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-and-a-half Brains from the Planet Arous out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Woman unlocks vast potential of the human mind, allowing her to solve both the secret of NIMH *and* the secret of the ooze, probably.

Tagline: "The average person uses 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what she could do with 100 percent."

Better Tagline: "Even if that were true (it isn't), you'd still only need one percent to watch Lucy."


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Purge: Anarchy

purge2-0718.jpg
Title: The Purge: Anarchy

Anarchy In The USA? What a windfall for the travel industry: "Don't get caught stateside on Purge night: book your Vancouver getaway now!"

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Johnny Rottens out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Come on, let's purge again/Like we did last summer.

Tagline: "Welcome to America, where one night a year all crime is legal."

Better Tagline: "In other words, an average day on Wall Street."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Thumbnail image for dotpota0711.jpg
Title: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

First Rise, Then Dawn; When Do We Get To The Actual Planet? Pretty soon.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four Guenters (from Futurama) out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ape not kill ape. Beyond that, knock yourself out.

Tagline: "Apes together strong."

Better Tagline: "Yes, they finally made a monkey out of me."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Snowpiercer

snowpiercer0702.jpg
Title: Snowpiercer

So It's July 4th And This Is Opening On ... Two Screens? In Houston, yes. Clearly Hollywood feels we're blockbustered out. Or maybe Harvey Weinstein is a petulant pain in the ass. You be the judge.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Snow Misers 0ut of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Basically a variation of this exchange from Futurama:

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Tagline: "Fight your way to the front."

Better Tagline: "The Taking of Swinton One Two Three."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Transformers: Age of Extinction

trans4mers0627.jpg
Title: Transformers: Age of Extinction

Does Michael Bay Make Non-Transformers Movies Anymore? Only one -- Pain and Gain -- since 2007. Bay is what you'd get if you put James Cameron's ego in Paul W.S. Anderson's body.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-half refreshing Mountain Dew bottles out of five. Nothing does it like a Dew!


Brief Plot Synopsis: Whirrrrr! CLANK! Eenk-enk-onk-ook! CRASH! Ratatatatatat! BOOM! Graaaaahhhh! BAM! "Optimus!"

Tagline: "This is not war, it's extinction."

Better Tagline: "Where have you gone, Isaac Asimov? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you."


More »

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

General

Health & Beauty

Loading...