Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Oculus

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Title: Oculus

Another Introspective Art House Flick From WWE Films? If they were smart, they'd have found a way to make the Ultimate Warrior's ghost the antagonist.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Aerosmith albums out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Young man released from mental hospital 10 years after killing his father is met by sister, who promptly asks him to kill again.

Tagline: "You see what it wants you to see."

Better Tagline: "Objects in the mirror are grosser than they appear."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
In the Blood

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Title: In the Blood

DIdn't Captain America: The Winter Soldier Open This Week? I went to the Astros opening game instead. What is it with these questions, anyway?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Gulfstreams out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Newlywed with troubled past attempts to solve mystery of husband's disappearance, cure hemophilia.

Tagline: None. I guess all their writing budget went to pay Treat Williams' exorbitant salary.

Better Tagline: "'Til death does she part ... and not a second before."

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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Cheap Thrills

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Title: Cheap Thrills

Doesn't Noah Open Today? Not screened for media. Make of that what you will.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Agent Orange albums out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Down on his luck dad abases himself and others for fun and profit. Mostly profit.

Tagline: "What doesn't kill you makes you richer."

Better Tagline: "I triple dog dare you."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Divergent

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Title: Divergent

What's The Most Disturbing Thing About The Post-Apocalypse? That according to recent examples, everyone average looking or worse will have been killed off.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One and a half Bloods (from A Boy and his Dog) out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Teenager asserts herself in the ruins of the upper Midwest, beats the shit out of Rose from Titanic.

Tagline: "One choice can transform you."

Better Tagline: "Teen Steam: gotta let it out."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Need for Speed

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Title: Need For Speed

Did You Feel It? The 'Need For Speed?' Not even a little bit. Sorry, Goose.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Greased Lightnings out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-con terrorizes motorists in cross-country vendetta.

Tagline: "Feel the need."

Better Tagline: "Who's gonna drive you home tonight?"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
300: Rise of an Empire

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Title: 300: Rise of an Empire

What Are Your Favorite Empires? Strikes Back and Queensryche's.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One and a half Abs of Steel videotapes out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Athenian general unites Greek city-states in order to repel Persian invasion via mass disembowelments.

Tagline: "Seize your glory."

Better Tagline: "Seize this, honkus."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Non-Stop

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Title: Non-Stop

Why Does Liam Neeson Keep Making These Movies? Why did Willie Sutton rob banks?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: One Rex Kramer out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Federal air marshal Bill Marks has had it with these motherfucking text messages on this motherfucking plane.

Tagline: "The hijacking was just the beginning."

Better Tagline: "Because he can't, he won't and he don't stop."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Pompeii

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Title: Pompeii

Can We Expect a Historically Accurate Representation of Events? But of course. Take special note of how all Romans have English accents.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two Waponi Chiefs out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Boy becomes slave; slave meets girl; volcano erupts, which kind of renders their childish romance irrelevant.

Tagline: "No warning. No escape."

Better Tagline: "Lava means never having to say you're sorry."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Endless Love

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Title: Endless Love

So It's a Love That Never Dies? You're thinking of Bram Stoker's Dracula, the story of an undead monster and his unholy obsession with the reincarnation of his dead love. It's actually more romantic than this.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: One smoke alarm out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Two teenagers doom themselves to unhappiness by finding their one true love in high school.

Tagline: "Say goodbye to innocence."

Better Tagline: "Finally, a love story for attractive white people."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
RoboCop

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Title: RoboCop

Would You Buy That For A Dollar? You know that show would be top 10 in the Nielsens if it aired on CBS today, right?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three jars of baby food out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Mortally wounded cop helps sinister corporation violate Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics.

Tagline: "Crime has a new enemy."

Better Tagline: "You'll love it, it looks just like a TeleFunken U47."

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