Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Fury

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Title: Fury

Can't Get Enough of Those Nazis. Even better, most of the bad guys in the movie are SS, which are, like, the Naziest.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three Rommels out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Veteran WWII tank commander must contend with rookie driver while trying to survive the 2nd Armored Division's final push into Germany.

Tagline: "War never ends quietly."

Better Tagline: "Das Platoon."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Equalizer

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Title: The Equalizer

Cool, Does Edward Woodward Have A Cameo? Woodward died in 2009, you insensitive clod.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Breaker Morants out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Mysterious loner likes teenage hookers, dislikes Russians.

Tagline: "What do you see when you look at me?"

Better Tagline: "Hold still, there's something on your neck."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Maze Runner

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Title: The Maze Runner

Finally! I've Been Wondering What Happened to Tom Hanks After His Psychotic Break. You're thinking of Mazes and Monsters, though Dylan O'Brien does kind of resemble a young Pardieu.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three Goblin Kings out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Amnesiac young man wakes up in mysterious place that's part Lord of the Flies, part Pac-Man.

Tagline: "Get ready to run."

Better Tagline: "Despite all my rage something something cage."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Drop

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Title: The Drop

Is This Set In Boston Like Every Other Dennis Lehane Story? No, Brooklyn. Maybe Gandolfini couldn't do a Southie accent.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Members Only jackets out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Good-natured bartender finds a dog, a girl, and a heap of trouble, sort of in that order.

Tagline: None. Expect them to get a lot of mileage out of "James Gandolfini's final film appearance."

Better Tagline: "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive ... look, a puppy!"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The November Man

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Title: The November Man

Where Does a November Man Rate On The Scale Of Cinematic Homo sapiens? Slightly above The January Man and substantially below The Omega Man.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Rubber Souls out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-spook is coaxed out of retirement for one last opportunity to murder indiscriminately in violation of international law.

Tagline: "A spy is never out of the game."

Better Tagline: "On Her Majesty's Senior Discount."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

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Title: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Would You? Kill For Eva Green, I Mean? This interview is over.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Bon Scotts out of five (RIP).

Brief Plot Synopsis: Tough mugs and bad broads live, love, and commit murder in a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Tagline: "There is no justice without sin."

Better Tagline: "But pants are optional."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Expendables 3

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Title: The Expendables 3: The Snipening

Best One-Liner That Actually Might Have Come From an '80s Action Movie: "I *am* the Hague."

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Roger Murtaughs out of five:

Brief Plot Synopsis: Elite mercenary team hunt rogue arms dealer that used to be one of their own.

Tagline: "New team. New attitude. New mission."

Better Tagline: "Thanks to HGH, Viagra, and Just for Men, you're *never* too old for this shit."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Cowabunga? I was mercifully unaware of the turtles during most of their initial run, though I do consider Michelangelo Corey Feldman's finest role.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One "Ninja Rap" out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Hideously mutated reptiles battle bioweapon-enabled criminals, everybody loses.

Tagline: "Mysterious. Dangerous. Reptilious. You've never seen heroes like this."

Better Tagline: "Not since 2007, anyway."


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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Guardians Of The Galaxy

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Title: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians Or The Avengers? In a fight? I'm pretty sure any team with Thor and the Hulk in it are odds-on favorites. The Guardians are more like the annoying kid brother. Or cousin Oliver.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Five Guido the killer pimps out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Misfit heroes team up to, uh, guard the galaxy.

Tagline: "When things get bad, they'll do their worst."

Better Tagline: "What's space opera, doc?"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Lucy

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Title: Lucy

Would You Take A Drug That Allowed You To Use 100 Percent Of Your Brain? If you did, you probably wouldn't be allowed to live in America anymore.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-and-a-half Brains from the Planet Arous out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Woman unlocks vast potential of the human mind, allowing her to solve both the secret of NIMH *and* the secret of the ooze, probably.

Tagline: "The average person uses 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what she could do with 100 percent."

Better Tagline: "Even if that were true (it isn't), you'd still only need one percent to watch Lucy."


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