What? No Fast and Furious 6? No Hangover Part III? I can attend one screening a week. When you have children, you'll understand.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Rick Moranises out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Big city girl gets shrunk to country mouse size and embroiled in a diminutive war to save some forest somewhere.

Tagline: "Discover a world beyond your imagination."

Better Tagline: "There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees."

Do They Boldy Go Where No Man One Has Gone Before? "Boldly" isn't really the problem.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half Denebian Slime Devils out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Attractive starship crew wrestles with morality of extrajudicial killings.

Tagline: "Earth will fall."

Better Tagline: "British accent = evil"

What A Time To Be Alive. Certainly, if civil rights and polio vaccines weren't your bag.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two and a half Huey Lewis and News Sports albums out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Dissolute Roaring Twenties casualty recounts tales of excess and obsession, all revolving around his former neighbor, the mysterious and wealthy Jay Gatsby.

Tagline: " Can't repeat the past?...of course you can!"

Better Tagline: " There isn't any party like a West Egg party because a West Egg party doesn't stop, precisely, as much as devolve into generational malaise and unrealized obsession."

How Much Do You Bench? Somewhere between ten and 15,000 lbs.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three jars of Muscle Mass out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Trio of muscleheads stage kidnapping only to realize they forgot to bring any brains with all that brawn.

Tagline: "Their American dream is bigger than yours."

Better Tagline: "There's a reason Michael Bay doesn't direct Coen Bros. scripts."

Is It a "Beautiful Oblivion?" You know, it kind of is, and...wait, are you quoting Eve 6? You disgust me.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three mutant Moes from "The Homega Man" out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Introspective drone repair guy prepares to turn the lights off on planet Earth after a devastating war against alien invaders has sent the rest of humanity packing.

Tagline: "Earth is a memory worth fighting for."

Better Tagline: "The dream is always the same."

So, Nudity? You people. Fine, there are a couple lingering James McAvoy butt shots, and he has a lengthy shirtless scene. All of which pales before the majesty of full frontal Rosario Dawson, however.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half Goyas out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: British museum people are still hypersensitive about art heists, for some reason.

Tagline: "Inside the mind. Outside the law."

Better Tagline: "Sorry, did you miss the part about nude Rosario Dawson?"

Is The, Uh, "Tree Scene" Still There? Wouldn't be Evil Dead without a little botanical assault, now would it?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four '73 Oldsmobiles out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Young junkie and well-meaning friends travel to remote cabin to detox, experiences worst withdrawal ever.

Tagline: "The most terrifying film you will ever experience."

Better Tagline: "Groovy."

Is There An After-Credits Scene? Yup.

Who's Retaliating? The process is twofold: Cobra is retaliating because of their defeat in the first movie, causing the Joes to retaliate to their...retaliation.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two and a half Sgt. Slaughters out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Elite counterterrorism unit with funny names seeks to foil a nefarious supervillain's plot to RULE THE WORLD.

Tagline: "Real American heroes."

Better Tagline: "Dangerous toyz."

Does It Have Any Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever? Let's just say I now have more respect for Ashley Judd than ever before.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: One Dennis Rodman out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Terrorists occupy White House, are systematically wiped out by police officer John McCl...er, Secret Service agent Mike Banning.

Tagline: "We are never stronger than when we are tested."

Better Tagline: "Yippie Ki Yay, North Korea."

Finally Ran Out of Police and Firefighter Ideas, Huh? While I would never minimize the difficult job 911 operators have, I was a bit disappointed the movie wasn't a feature-length re-enactment of the infamous "911 Western Cheeseburger call."

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two mannequin heads out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Emergency dispatcher tries to locate kidnapped girl before she can be killed by the man who murdered another caller six months earlier.

Tagline: "There are 188 million 911 calls a year. This one made it personal."

Better Tagline: "Don't leave me [strangled] on the telephone."