Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Epic

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Title: Epic

What? No Fast and Furious 6? No Hangover Part III? I can attend one screening a week. When you have children, you'll understand.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Rick Moranises out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Big city girl gets shrunk to country mouse size and embroiled in a diminutive war to save some forest somewhere.

Tagline: "Discover a world beyond your imagination."

Better Tagline: "There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees."


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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Star Trek Into Darkness

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Title: Star Trek Into Darkness

Do They Boldy Go Where No Man One Has Gone Before? "Boldly" isn't really the problem.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half Denebian Slime Devils out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Attractive starship crew wrestles with morality of extrajudicial killings.

Tagline: "Earth will fall."

Better Tagline: "British accent = evil"


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Great Gatsby

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Title: The Great Gatsby

What A Time To Be Alive. Certainly, if civil rights and polio vaccines weren't your bag.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two and a half Huey Lewis and News Sports albums out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Dissolute Roaring Twenties casualty recounts tales of excess and obsession, all revolving around his former neighbor, the mysterious and wealthy Jay Gatsby.

Tagline: " Can't repeat the past?...of course you can!"

Better Tagline: " There isn't any party like a West Egg party because a West Egg party doesn't stop, precisely, as much as devolve into generational malaise and unrealized obsession."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Pain & Gain

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Title: Pain & Gain

How Much Do You Bench? Somewhere between ten and 15,000 lbs.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three jars of Muscle Mass out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Trio of muscleheads stage kidnapping only to realize they forgot to bring any brains with all that brawn.

Tagline: "Their American dream is bigger than yours."

Better Tagline: "There's a reason Michael Bay doesn't direct Coen Bros. scripts."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted: Oblivion

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Title: Oblivion

Is It a "Beautiful Oblivion?" You know, it kind of is, and...wait, are you quoting Eve 6? You disgust me.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three mutant Moes from "The Homega Man" out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Introspective drone repair guy prepares to turn the lights off on planet Earth after a devastating war against alien invaders has sent the rest of humanity packing.

Tagline: "Earth is a memory worth fighting for."

Better Tagline: "The dream is always the same."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Trance

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Title: Trance

So, Nudity? You people. Fine, there are a couple lingering James McAvoy butt shots, and he has a lengthy shirtless scene. All of which pales before the majesty of full frontal Rosario Dawson, however.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half Goyas out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: British museum people are still hypersensitive about art heists, for some reason.

Tagline: "Inside the mind. Outside the law."

Better Tagline: "Sorry, did you miss the part about nude Rosario Dawson?"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Evil Dead

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Title: Evil Dead

Is The, Uh, "Tree Scene" Still There? Wouldn't be Evil Dead without a little botanical assault, now would it?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four '73 Oldsmobiles out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Young junkie and well-meaning friends travel to remote cabin to detox, experiences worst withdrawal ever.

Tagline: "The most terrifying film you will ever experience."

Better Tagline: "Groovy."

Is There An After-Credits Scene? Yup.


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
G.I. Joe: Retaliation

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Title: G.I. Joe: Retaliation

Who's Retaliating? The process is twofold: Cobra is retaliating because of their defeat in the first movie, causing the Joes to retaliate to their...retaliation.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two and a half Sgt. Slaughters out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Elite counterterrorism unit with funny names seeks to foil a nefarious supervillain's plot to RULE THE WORLD.

Tagline: "Real American heroes."

Better Tagline: "Dangerous toyz."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Olympus Has Fallen

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Title: Olympus Has Fallen

Does It Have Any Redeeming Qualities Whatsoever? Let's just say I now have more respect for Ashley Judd than ever before.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: One Dennis Rodman out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Terrorists occupy White House, are systematically wiped out by police officer John McCl...er, Secret Service agent Mike Banning.

Tagline: "We are never stronger than when we are tested."

Better Tagline: "Yippie Ki Yay, North Korea."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Call

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Title: The Call

Finally Ran Out of Police and Firefighter Ideas, Huh? While I would never minimize the difficult job 911 operators have, I was a bit disappointed the movie wasn't a feature-length re-enactment of the infamous "911 Western Cheeseburger call."

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two mannequin heads out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Emergency dispatcher tries to locate kidnapped girl before she can be killed by the man who murdered another caller six months earlier.

Tagline: "There are 188 million 911 calls a year. This one made it personal."

Better Tagline: "Don't leave me [strangled] on the telephone."


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