Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Lucy

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Title: Lucy

Would You Take A Drug That Allowed You To Use 100 Percent Of Your Brain? If you did, you probably wouldn't be allowed to live in America anymore.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-and-a-half Brains from the Planet Arous out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Woman unlocks vast potential of the human mind, allowing her to solve both the secret of NIMH *and* the secret of the ooze, probably.

Tagline: "The average person uses 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what she could do with 100 percent."

Better Tagline: "Even if that were true (it isn't), you'd still only need one percent to watch Lucy."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Purge: Anarchy

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Title: The Purge: Anarchy

Anarchy In The USA? What a windfall for the travel industry: "Don't get caught stateside on Purge night: book your Vancouver getaway now!"

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Johnny Rottens out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Come on, let's purge again/Like we did last summer.

Tagline: "Welcome to America, where one night a year all crime is legal."

Better Tagline: "In other words, an average day on Wall Street."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

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Title: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

First Rise, Then Dawn; When Do We Get To The Actual Planet? Pretty soon.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four Guenters (from Futurama) out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ape not kill ape. Beyond that, knock yourself out.

Tagline: "Apes together strong."

Better Tagline: "Yes, they finally made a monkey out of me."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Snowpiercer

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Title: Snowpiercer

So It's July 4th And This Is Opening On ... Two Screens? In Houston, yes. Clearly Hollywood feels we're blockbustered out. Or maybe Harvey Weinstein is a petulant pain in the ass. You be the judge.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Snow Misers 0ut of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Basically a variation of this exchange from Futurama:

Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.

Tagline: "Fight your way to the front."

Better Tagline: "The Taking of Swinton One Two Three."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Transformers: Age of Extinction

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Title: Transformers: Age of Extinction

Does Michael Bay Make Non-Transformers Movies Anymore? Only one -- Pain and Gain -- since 2007. Bay is what you'd get if you put James Cameron's ego in Paul W.S. Anderson's body.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-half refreshing Mountain Dew bottles out of five. Nothing does it like a Dew!


Brief Plot Synopsis: Whirrrrr! CLANK! Eenk-enk-onk-ook! CRASH! Ratatatatatat! BOOM! Graaaaahhhh! BAM! "Optimus!"

Tagline: "This is not war, it's extinction."

Better Tagline: "Where have you gone, Isaac Asimov? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Jersey Boys

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Title: Jersey Boys

Wow, Haven't Heard From Them In A While. How's Old Sizzlechest Doing? You're thinking of the "Jerky Boys," idiot who is a product of my subconscious.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two shine boxes out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Four Garden Staters make good, except for those times they don't.

Tagline: "Everybody remembers it how they need to."

Better Tagline: "Mamma mia! That's a spicy mélange of Italian stereotypes!"


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
How to Train Your Dragon 2

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Title: How to Train Your Dragon 2

Have The Vikings Discovered North America Yet? Hard to say. If so, pre-Christian Canada looked a lot like Naboo via Xanadu.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Captain Terrells from Wrath of Khan out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Young dragon rider gets more than he bargained for when he and his dragon push the outside of the envelope, like a Viking Chuck Yeager. Or Jonathan Living Seagull.

Tagline: "Training is over."

Better Tagline: "Here be dragons. Hell, there be dragons too."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Edge of Tomorrow

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Title: Edge of Tomorrow

This Is About Alien Invasion? Sounds Like a Soap Opera. Agreed, the original title (All You Need Is Kill) was much snappier.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Four Punxsutawney Phils out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Advertising flack attempts to blackmail his way out of a combat assignment and is sent to the front, where he is killed over and over again. Somewhere, Bill HIcks is smiling.

Tagline: "Live. Die. Repeat."

Better Tagline: "You died."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
A Million Ways to Die in the West

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Title: A Million Ways To Die In The West

How Many Ways To Die In The West Do We See? A few dozen. Bit of a ripoff, really.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Men With No Name out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Well-meaning sheep farmer runs afoul of ruthless gunfighter. Also, Neil Patrick Harris shits in a hat.

Tagline: "Bring protection."

Better Tagline: "They haven't remade Blazing Saddles for a reason."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Big Trouble in Little China

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Title: Big Trouble in Little China

Uh, Doesn't the New X-Men Movie Come Out This Week? If you're volunteering to watch my kids every time there's a scheduling conflict during a screening, send me your phone number. Otherwise, put a sock in it.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Five dark and stormy nights out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: American trucker attempts to prove his mettle against ancient Chinese sorcery, with mixed results.

Tagline: "Adventure doesn't come any bigger!"

Better Tagline: "Yes sir, the check is in the mail."


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