Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
The Lazarus Effect

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Title: The Lazarus Effect

Sum Up The Movie Using Other Movies: Pet Semetary plus Flatliners divided by Paranormal Activity

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One Nothing Like the Sun albumout of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: "Did you wreck the car?"
"No."
"Did you raise the dead?"
"Yes."
"But the car's okay?"

Tagline: "Evil will rise."

Better Tagline: "Hell is other doctors."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The DUFF

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Title: The DUFF

Ugly *And* Fat? Are Both Required? I'm led to understand it can be either, or, or even none of the above. Outrageous.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Duffmans (Duffmen?) out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Allegedly unattractive high school student has the improbable last laugh.

Tagline: "Every DUFF has their day."

Better Tagline: "Nerd gets Revenge on those who claim she's not Pretty in Pink."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Fifty Shades of Grey

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Title: Fifty Shades of Grey

Is This Movie Really A Sign Of The Apocalypse? It'll have to hold us over until the next Magic Mike, I suppose.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One and a half W. Somerset Maughams out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: "Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side."

Tagline: "Mr. Grey will see you now."

Better Tagline: "No one gets away/Until they whip it."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Seventh Son

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Title: Seventh Son

Specifically, The Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son, Right? Yes. Referring not only to one of Iron Maiden's best albums, but also -- according to folklore -- a person possessing paranormal abilities.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One glaive out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Alcoholic child killer recruits boy to help him murder his ex-girlfriend.

Tagline: "In the face of evil, claim your destiny."

Better Tagline: "Deathstalker V: The Spook Abides"


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out Of Water

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Title: The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

Did They Keep The Elevator Scene? You're thinking of 50 Shades of Grey. And ew.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Bikini Atoll H-bomb tests out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Mutant sea creatures rise from the ocean's depths to terrorize mankind, consume fast food.

Tagline: "Making waves in our world."

Better Tagline: "My life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos, ruined dreams, this wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Sponge Warrior. The man we called 'Bob.'"


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Black Sea

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Title: Black Sea

Doesn't Jude Law Have Five Kids? Makes sense. Compared to that, being trapped with a bunch of stinky dudes in a Soviet-era submarine sounds positively relaxing.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half Cary Grants out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Disgruntled sub captain hunts for sunken treasure, paternal redemption.

Tagline: "Brave the deep. Find the gold. Trust no one."

Better Tagline: "Scenes from a class struggle in Batumi."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
American Sniper

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Title: American Sniper

Great Sniper? Or Greatest Sniper? Great. Look up Simo Häyhä, the Finnish soldier who killed 505 Soviet soldiers in under 100 days.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Tom Berengers out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-cowboy becomes SEAL sniper, is very good at it.

Tagline: "The most lethal sniper in U.S. history."

Better Tagline: "Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Inherent Vice

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Title: Inherent Vice

Is That Anything Like "MIami Vice?" More pot, less cocaine. And it's 1970, so the clothes aren't quite so fabulous.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four and a half chocolate-covered bananas out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Stoner private investigator investigates, gets stoned.

Tagline: There isn't one. "Based on the Thomas Pynchon novel?" What is it with you people and your *rules,* man?

Better Tagline: "Out! Back to the sixties! Back! There's no place for you here in the future!"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
A Most Violent Year

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Title: A Most Violent Year

If You Can Make It There... You can make it anywhere. Might take a pistol whipping or two while you're at it, though.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Baseball Furies out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Heating oil executive is an honorable man. As are they all, honorable men.

Tagline: "The result is never in question, just the path you take to get there."

Better Tagline: "This city could really use a few Starbucks."

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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Into The Woods

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Title:Into The Woods

Why'd It Take So Long To Make This Into A Movie? Disney realized they'd only released one other princess-related movie this year (Maleficent).

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Tex Avery wolves out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Fairy tale characters unite for some such.

Tagline: "Be careful what you wish for."

Better Tagline: "Based on that musical everybody did in high school."


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