Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies

botfa1217.jpg
Title:The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies

Peter Jackson Is Done With Middle Earth, Right? So he says. Here's a little exercise in masochism for you: once BotFA is released on DVD, watch all six movies back to back (special editions, of course). That's probably close to 30 hours.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Orson Beans out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Short person tries to prevent war, mostly gets in the way. Like they do.

Tagline: "Witness the defining chapter of the Middle Earth saga."

Better Tagline: "What Would Legolas Surf?"

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Exodus: Gods and Kings

exodus1212.jpg
Title:Exodus: Gods And Kings

That Title Feels Like It Should Be In All Caps: VERILY YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH, MORTAL.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Chuck Hestons out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: When Israel was in Egypt's land/Let my people go.

Tagline: "Once brothers, now enemies."

Better Tagline: "Just like Jimmy and Billy Carter."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Wild

wild1205.jpg
Title: Wild

Does REI Really Send You New Boots If Yours Don't Fit? Apparently. Now if I could just get Stone Brewing to FedEx me more IPA when I underestimate how much I'm actually going to drink.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three western diamondback rattlesnakes out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Troubled young woman goes for a walk.

Tagline: [from the book] "From lost to found on the Pacific Coast Trail."

Better Tagline: "Hike, pray, love."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Babadook

babadook1128.jpg
Title: The Babadook

Finally, A Big Screen Bio Of Gary Dell'Abate. You're thinking of Baba Booey, who is only slightly less terrifying.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four-and-a-half bunyips out of five


Brief Plot Synopsis: Monster infiltrates home to terrorize occupants via a sinister book, kind of like the Mormons.

Tagline: "You can't get rid of the Babadook."

Better Tagline: "The life of a single mom is always intense."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Foxcatcher

foxcatcher1126.jpg
Title: Foxcatcher

Is This A Sequel To That Song By Sweet? Yes. I mean, no. It refers to the racing stable on the Du Pont family's Pennsylvania estate where foxes were caught and then released unharmed into the wild. Or so I'd assume.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Jimmy "Superfly" Snukas out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Olympic wrestler with big brother issues moves in with multimillionaire with mommy issues. They're the original odd couple!

Tagline: "Based on the shocking true story."

Better Tagline: "The last time a rich man was convicted of anything in America."


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Dumb and Dumber To

dandto1114.jpg
Title: Dumb and Dumber To

Is It Worth The 20 Year Wait? Nothing is worth a 20-year wait, except perhaps the reunion of the cast of D2: The Mighty Ducks. Because really, who wasn't looking forward to that?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One bottle of Turbo Lax out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Moronic duo trek across America to find one's long lost daughter while contemplating the paradox of existence. They also fart a lot.

Tagline: "The average person uses 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what they could do with 1 percent."

Better Tagline: "The sequel no one wanted, including the cast and filmmakers."

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Big Hero 6

bh6_11062014.jpg
Title: Big Hero 6

Based On A Marvel Comic, Yes? Any Cameos? You won't see Dancing Baby Groot anywhere, but there is a post-credits scene.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Mummenschanz (Mummenschanzes?) out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Kid programs killer robot to avenge brother's death. Kind of.

Tagline: "From the creators of Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen."

Better Tagline: "Did we mention Frozen? Everybody liked Frozen, right?"


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Birdman

birdman1031.jpg
Title: Birdman

Is This A Sequel To Condorman? Yes, in the sense it's about a guy who played a bird-themed superhero in the movies. No, in the sense that -- unlike Condorman -- the movies in question grossed more than a buck-fifty,

Rating Using Random Objects Related To The Film: Three-and-a-half Judge Mentok the Mind-Takers out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Former superhero actor seeks validation (and an end to the voices in his head) on Broadway.

Tagline: [actually subtitle] "The Unexpected Value of Ignorance"

Better Tagline: "Batman vs. The Hulk! Sort of."


More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
John Wick

johnwick1024.jpg
Title: John Wick

This Time, It's Personal? And how.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four Chow Yun-Fats out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Retired button man is unable to comprehend the concept of "proportionate response."

Tagline: "Don't set him off."

Better Tagline: "Sadness is a cold puppy" (with apologies to Charles Schultz).

More »

Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Fury

fury1017.jpg
Title: Fury

Can't Get Enough of Those Nazis. Even better, most of the bad guys in the movie are SS, which are, like, the Naziest.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three Rommels out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Veteran WWII tank commander must contend with rookie driver while trying to survive the 2nd Armored Division's final push into Germany.

Tagline: "War never ends quietly."

Better Tagline: "Das Platoon."


More »
Loading...