You've Got a Typo in Your Title There: No, I don't.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Half a lobotomy icepick out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Invasion by dumb aliens repelled by attractive sailors.

Tagline: "The battle for Earth begins at sea."

Better Tagline: "For everyone who didn't find Transformers 3 loud or dumb enough."

Does It at Least Qualify As a "Popcorn Movie?" Meaning "one not intended for serious examination?" I won't go into the particulars of why asking one to "turn their brain off" is kind of stupid, but will point out that in order for a movie to qualify for "popcorn" designation, it should be...fun. Maybe the plot's weak or the acting isn't exactly up to scratch, but it can be forgiven if it allows you to forget your troubles for a couple hours. There's nothing about Battleship that doesn't feel like the conclusion of a hundred lengthy focus-group discussions.

Opted Out of Dark Shadows, Did We? I had to go to traffic court the night of the DS screening. But I understand Eva Green keeps her clothes on, so no big loss.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Two used tampons out of five.

...Used Tampons? We're treated to the sight of one getting flung at someone in the movie. However, like most everything else in God Bless America, we've seen it before.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Everyman with a striking resemblance to Mad Men's Freddy Rumsen goes on a killing spree for the good of society.

Tagline: "Taking out the trash, one jerk at a time."

Better Tagline: "Bobcat Goldthwait hates you and wants you to die."

Title: The Avengers

Who Would Win in a Fight: Thor Or The Hulk? Look, I'm a busy man; I don't have time for this geek crap. And Hulk is the strongest there is.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Four and a half Mjolnirs out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Earth's mightiest heroes (and Black Widow and Hawkeye) battle alien race led by Loki to conquer Earth. Millions die. Okay, maybe not, but it seems likely.

Tagline: "Some assembly required."

Better Tagline: "Goes to 11."

Is There a Post-Credits Sequence? There are two (one's really a "mid-credits sequence"); the first is a gift for serious Marvel fans, and -- if you are one -- it'll make you squeal like a Skrull. The second is more cute than anything else.

Is That a Particularly Long Time to Be Engaged? It is if all your grandparents are barely clinging to life, I suppose.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant to the Film: Three crossbows out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Newly enagaged couple are in a hurry to get married, for some reason.

Tagline: "A comedy about the journey between popping the question and tying the knot."

Better Tagline: "Judd Apatow also produced Drillbit Taylor and Year One, so don't get too aroused by that 'from the producer of Bridesmaids lead-in."

Will You Be Revealing Spoilers? Only if you highlight the one paragraph of spoilery bitching on the next page. And why would you do that?

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three and a half conch shells out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Five college students travel to an isolated cabin for the weekend. It's...unwise to tell you much more than that.

Tagline: "You think you know the story."

Better Tagline: "The only thing scarier is Joss Whedon's fans."

His *Fans?* Come On. The "AJosstles" (as I have dubbed Whedon's devotees) at the screening I attended were so obnoxious they almost made me resent the movie itself for encouraging their existence. It's like going to a Justin Bieber concert, except instead of screaming tweens, you're surrounded by fanboys (and girls) in Firefly shirts and scraggly facial hair wildly applauding and forcing laughter at every cue.

Wait, They're Having A Reunion Already? When Did American Pie Come Out? 1999. Truly, the grim specter of Death comes for us all.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two flutes out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Classmates get together for their 13th high school reunion, attempt to have sex with everything.

Tagline: "Save the best piece for last."

Better Tagline: "Natasha Lyonne's still alive?"

Why 13 Years? You expected Universal Studios to celebrate their 100th anniversary without an American Pie movie? Please.

What Unanswered Questions From Clash of the Titans Were Addressed This Time Around? Whether Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes will turn down any script. That would be "no."

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One and a half Cyclopes out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Half-immortal comes out of retirement to save the world one. Last. Time.

Tagline: "Feel The Wrath."

Better Tagline: "See The Unwanted Sequel To That Unnecessary Remake Of That Unremarkable Movie."

Did You Finally Read The Book? Yes, but only because I reached a natural stopping point in my revisiting of Judy Blume's canon.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film Three-and-a-half nightlock berries out of five.

Tagline: "The World Will Be Watching."

Better Tagline: "Who Knew Seeing Children Murder Each Other Would Be So Darn Entertaining?""

Brief Plot Synopsis: Coal miner's daughter travels to the big city, fights to the death against fellow teens.

How Does This Stack Up Against Twilight? Unlike those "vampire" movies, I never felt the urge to sleep/vomit/kill myself once. How's that for a ringing endorsement?

Who Is John Carter? He's this guy who goes to Mars and...does things. With his...feet.

You Didn't Actually See The Movie, Did You? Yes, yes I did. These questions always fluster me, is all.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Frazettas out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Civil War veteran is transported to Mars. Loses shirt. Kicks ass.

Tagline: "Lost in Our World. Found in Another."

Better Tagline: "Hey, Boys Can Watch Disney Movies, Too, You Know."

What, That Sarah Palin Movie? God, no. Dealing with that atrocity once was enough.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four torn ACLs out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Win-deprived high school football team starts winning.

Tagline: "Character will be revealed."

Better Tagline: "LIke Friday Night Lights, only without all the boring teen romance."

How Would The Team Have Done If Sarah Palin Was The Coach? Hard to say, since she most likely would have quit with three games left in the season.