Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Black Sea

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Title: Black Sea

Doesn't Jude Law Have Five Kids? Makes sense. Compared to that, being trapped with a bunch of stinky dudes in a Soviet-era submarine sounds positively relaxing.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Cary Grants out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Disgruntled sub captain hunts for sunken treasure, paternal redemption.

Tagline: "Brave the deep. Find the gold. Trust no one."

Better Tagline: "Scenes from a class struggle in Batumi."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
American Sniper

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Title: American Sniper

Great Sniper? Or Greatest Sniper? Great. Look up Simo Häyhä, the Finnish soldier who killed 505 Soviet soldiers in under 100 days.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Tom Berengers out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Ex-cowboy becomes SEAL sniper, is very good at it.

Tagline: "The most lethal sniper in U.S. history."

Better Tagline: "Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Inherent Vice

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Title: Inherent Vice

Is That Anything Like "MIami Vice?" More pot, less cocaine. And it's 1970, so the clothes aren't quite so fabulous.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Four and a half chocolate-covered bananas out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Stoner private investigator investigates, gets stoned.

Tagline: There isn't one. "Based on the Thomas Pynchon novel?" What is it with you people and your *rules,* man?

Better Tagline: "Out! Back to the sixties! Back! There's no place for you here in the future!"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
A Most Violent Year

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Title: A Most Violent Year

If You Can Make It There... You can make it anywhere. Might take a pistol whipping or two while you're at it, though.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three Baseball Furies out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Heating oil executive is an honorable man. As are they all, honorable men.

Tagline: "The result is never in question, just the path you take to get there."

Better Tagline: "This city could really use a few Starbucks."

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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Into The Woods

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Title:Into The Woods

Why'd It Take So Long To Make This Into A Movie? Disney realized they'd only released one other princess-related movie this year (Maleficent).

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two Tex Avery wolves out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Fairy tale characters unite for some such.

Tagline: "Be careful what you wish for."

Better Tagline: "Based on that musical everybody did in high school."


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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
The Imitation Game

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Title:The Imitation Game

Could You Pass The Turing Test? I do have steel screws in my ankle, so I'm practically RoboCop.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three-and-a-half Leons from Blade Runner out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Genius mathematician breaks enemy code, gets shit on by government for his troubles.

Tagline: "Behind every code is an enigma."

Better Tagline: "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."

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Reviews For The Easily Distracted:
Unbroken

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Title: Unbroken

We're Getting A Lot Of These Inspirational True Stories This Time Of Year. Well, it *is* Oscar season.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: One-and-a-half wartime Daffy Ducks out of five.

Brief Plot Synopsis: Olympian gets captured by Japanese during World War II, enjoys it even less than you'd expect.

Tagline: "Survival. Resilience. Redemption."

Better Tagline: "Just read the book."


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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

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Title:The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies

Peter Jackson Is Done With Middle Earth, Right? So he says. Here's a little exercise in masochism for you: once BotFA is released on DVD, watch all six movies back to back (special editions, of course). That's probably close to 30 hours.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Orson Beans out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Short person tries to prevent war, mostly gets in the way. Like they do.

Tagline: "Witness the defining chapter of the Middle Earth saga."

Better Tagline: "What Would Legolas Surf?"

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Exodus: Gods and Kings

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Title:Exodus: Gods And Kings

That Title Feels Like It Should Be In All Caps: VERILY YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH, MORTAL.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Two-and-a-half Chuck Hestons out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: When Israel was in Egypt's land/Let my people go.

Tagline: "Once brothers, now enemies."

Better Tagline: "Just like Jimmy and Billy Carter."

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Reviews for the Easily Distracted:
Wild

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Title: Wild

Does REI Really Send You New Boots If Yours Don't Fit? Apparently. Now if I could just get Stone Brewing to FedEx me more IPA when I underestimate how much I'm actually going to drink.

Rating Using Random Objects Relevant To The Film: Three western diamondback rattlesnakes out of five.


Brief Plot Synopsis: Troubled young woman goes for a walk.

Tagline: [from the book] "From lost to found on the Pacific Coast Trail."

Better Tagline: "Hike, pray, love."

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