Thanks, Double Take, for letting us know how hard it is to be good-looking.

I try my best not to pay attention to the excess of horrible user-generated videos out there, but when the same video gets e-mailed to me no less than eight times, I am compelled to check it out. Bad move on my part.

The recent "hit" song and music video by the "group" who call themselves Double Take, Hot Problems, should probably be called Hot Mess because that's what it is. The "song" is performed by two 16-year-old girls who want the world to know that even hot girls like them do not have perfect lives. As the lyrics so poignantly state, these girls are just like you, "except they are hot." Thank you for letting the world know; we are much obliged.

The video, which was created somewhat apologetically by Old Bailey Productions, features the two hot girls hanging out in the back of a limo, not doing a whole hell of a lot save "being hot." The song and subsequent video is being compared to last year's musical disaster Rebecca Black and her song Friday. The obvious comparison being that both tunes are God-awful, and their high production quality seems similarly daddy-bankrolled. Last week Hot Problems was dubbed by some in the online world as the worst song of the year.

If you are not one of the nine million people who have watched this video yet, we're sorry to be the bearer of crap news.

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I work a lot. Six days a week at the day job and till midnight every night crafting the finest pop culture reports and penis jokes that the Houston Press will buy off of my guttersnipe form. It's a good life, trust me, because no one will ever look back over his existence from his deathbed and say, "Boy, I'm sure glad I spent all that time finding 100 gold skulltulas in Ocarina of Time." It's best to dig in and accomplish something with your time on Earth.

That being said, we all need a break or we just end up donning a costume and robbing a bank from our murder blimp... you know, as an example. Americans work a lot. According to a 2008 ranking by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development, we're the ninth hardest working nation in the world with an average of 1,797 hours spent at paid employment a year (Korea ranked number 1 with 2,357 hours). If you want to maintain your sanity, you'd better take some time off. Well, why not a cruise?

I've been trying to find time and funds for years now to go on the annual Gothic Cruise. Several of my friends have gone, and all agree that it's a nonstop drunken blast featuring great music and everything your spooky little heart might desire. While you may think that a gothic cruise sounds bizarre, you have no idea what incredibly perplexing packages are sold to discerning consumers looking to get away.

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I'm not bashing the good old USA at all here. America is a place where our true religion is "Do something awesome and we'll give you a million dollars"-ianity, and we are a faithful and devout lot. Look at the response to the death of Steve Jobs. We all wailed because an American who basically invented the way we talk and do business was gone. What else could he have done had he remained among us?

That's just in the modern day. America worships the inventive minds among us. Nikola Tesla, Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, the Wright Brothers, the list goes on. This is a capitalist society, and we demand and adore innovation.

But strangely enough, America as a whole is humble about some very big deals. I'm willing to bet you didn't know that it was America that gave us...

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One's funny, one's crazy

Louis C.K.'s hit FX show Louie doesn't resume until June, but from the buzz going on you would think it starts tomorrow. To get his fans riled up, C.K. let loose a teaser to wreak havoc across the Inter-tubes. The teaser is brilliant, naturally.

C.K.'s in-your-face, raw, honest brand of humor has taken the world by storm. He has found himself at the top of several esteemed media lists, most recently Time magazine's "100 Most Influential People in the World." Despite the accolades, C.K.'s humor has not lost any sense of humility nor changed directions. He's still a depressed schlub and that's why the world is in love with him. That and the fact that the guy is hilarious!

On the farthest, other side of the comedy spectrum, aging rocker Ted Nugent is getting slammed for spewing insults at the Democratic Party. Speaking at a National Rifle Association convention, Nugent compared the Obama administration to "coyotes" that should be taken down...with bullets. What were you thinking, Nugent? Apparently he was not thinking at all, because his actions have gotten the attention of the Secret Service. Hey, if you make death threats against the president, don't be shocked if the secret service shows up at your door.

Never shy to speak his mind, over the years Nugent has made some pretty outrageous comments. If taken out of context, these Nugentisms are quite funny, scary but funny. Comedians are always pushing the envelope; Louis C.K. is well known for sharing his love of masturbation! If Nugent were gunning to be a comedian, his batty, gun-toting, psycho-patriotism shtick just might fly.

Who said it: Louis C.K. or Ted Nugent?

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Patrons of Numbers probably recognize Domina Shannon as the busty, perky bartender who's always ready with a drink and a smile. What more could you ask for? However, when she's not slinging gin, she's swinging a riding crop as part of Maison Noir, Houston's pre-eminent BDSM dungeon. And good news in this economy: They're looking to hire a couple of people who don't mind dishing out a little discipline.

"I feel that the most important thing to look for in new applicants is a true interest in BDSM," said Shannon via e-mail. "Anyone can read the books and learn the techniques, but if you lack a genuine interest in the arts, that will always come through when you play."

Shannon discovered an interest in kink during her teenage years. She and her like-minded friends would invite boys back to her home in order to experiment with bondage, or would practice on each other when no playmates were available. She heard about a local dungeon, the Imperium, that had an open slot in 1997. She was hired by the six-room establishment, but it went under only six months later. Undeterred, Shannon established herself as an independent dominatrix, and traveled extensively working in the field. She even served as a consultant for the crime drama film The Flock, starring Richard Gere and Claire Danes.

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A match made in heaven.

We were a little too excited to read that Community's Donald Glover will be making his way over to 30 Rock later this month. Glover was previously a writer for the Tina Fey sitcom, but his upcoming return to the show will be as an actor. Glover is slated to portray a young Tracy Morgan/Jordan in a live broadcast of the show. Glover apparently does a spot on Tracy Morgan/Jordan and has even contributed to his underground hit "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah."

We love the idea of TV actors making cameos on each other's television shows. It makes us feel like Hollywood is one big happy clique of friends that we are not a part of and that are there to make us feel uninvited and self-deprecating.

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Who would have ever imagined Kirk Cameron, the loud-mouthed, sarcastic prankster on TV's Growing Pains, whose Tiger Beat centerfolds adorned the walls of many a young lady, would be promoting a film about the religious foundations of this country? Cameron has been out and about in the public eye talking up his documentary, Monumental, making headlines everywhere he goes. The film, which opens nationwide this Friday, explores the roots of our nation and the successes spawned from the ideas of a "tiny band of religious outcasts." That is nice and all, but taking the film's synopsis in tandem with much of what Cameron has been spouting about homosexuality begs the question -- were our forefathers that concerned about gay marriage? That chapter might have been left out of our history books.

Regardless, Cameron's crusade has resulted in an overabundance of bold statements. At times Cameron is so fixated he sounds like he could be running for office. Speaking of people not running for office, we've heard very little from once-presidential hopeful/Texas Governor Rick Perry since he accepted defeat. All has been very quiet on the Western front -- until last week. Perry played host to another outspoken religious advocate, Rick Santorum.

Governor Perry has also made some pretty strong statements over the years pertaining to religion; Cameron might want to steal a few lines from his repertoire.

Who said it: Kirk Cameron or Rick Perry?

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I love Passover. Over the years it has become one of my favorite holidays. There are very few holidays that require you eat and drink very specific foods by the big man himself, and I just happen to love all of the obligatory noshes pertaining to the holiday (don't mock gefilte fish until you've tried it). The foods, however, are not the only reason Passover is the king of holidays.

The traditions practiced during the seder are bizarre, to say the least, and require a flair for the dramatic. One of the oddest moments that occur during the Passover seder is the entrance of an invisible person, Elijah. Elijah was a prophet and a great defender of the faith. To honor him, a seat is left open at the seder dinner with a full glass of wine. At some point during the evening, Elijah shows up and takes a swig. In my house, he used to eat some matzah too and leave crumbs all over the place. That messy Elijah! When does this magical moment happen? I couldn't tell you. He is a Jewish version of Santa, but everyone is wide awake when he passes by. How this invisible man manages to come in and drink and eat without anyone noticing could be due to the copious amounts of wine being consumed.

Another one of the many reasons to love Passover is that drinking wine is incorporated into the action. It's a holiday that comes ready-built with its own drinking game. You take one sip, you stick your finger in, you take another sip -- eventually you are four glasses deep.

Another memorable aspect to the evening is finding the afikoman, which is just a piece of matzah fancily wrapped. It's the Jews' answer to the Easter egg hunt, but we don't get jellybeans and plastic grass when we find this traditional symbol. We get money, which kicks a Cadbury Egg's ass any day of the week.

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Madonna's new album MDNA, which dropped last week, is already number two on iTunes, and while not everyone is loving it, it is getting some decent reviews. Rolling Stone applauds the album for its raw and personal nature, as it honestly addresses Madge's recent divorce from director Guy Ritchie. The Associated Press was impressed with the sustained level of drive Madonna continues to have, saying that "at 53, she's still got it going in." Even snobbish indie Web site Pitchfork doesn't completely hate the album, citing several of its standout songs.

The album has also been noted for its foul language and lewdness, which made me want to check it out. Indeed, many of the lyrics in MDNA are quite forceful, at times fanatical, as if a psychopath could have said them. This trajectory of thinking reminded me of a quote by the infamous serial killer Charles Manson, and furthermore, that Manson just happens to be up for parole this year.

Is it a stretch to compare select lyrics of MDNA to Charles Manson quotes? You tell me.

Who Said It? Madonna or Charles Manson?

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John Nova Lomax

A couple of weeks ago while on staycation, I took a daylong bike ride from the northwest corner of the Inner Loop to the southeast, from just west of the Heights to and through the godforsaken little Manchester neighborhood.

Along the way, I saw some strange and wonderful things, like the scattered remnants of a Winnie the Pooh costume displayed on stanchions, a huge model of the USS Roosevelt in a Magnolia Park front yard, and a handmade memorial to a guy named Leroy in a First Ward vacant lot frequented by alcoholic codgers.

And somewhere north of 225 and south of Lawndale, seconds apart in the span of two barrio backstreet blocks, a black cat crossed my path and a loose pit bull bit my ankle. Such is cycling on the East Side.

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