Looks easy enough... or does it?

The offer was somewhat enticing: A brand new Cineplex, the Santikos Palladium AVX, opening May 16, was offering a sneak peek into their wonderful world of entertainment. The theater was not only letting folks immerse themselves into free bowling and snacks, but this new theater would be one of the first in the area to offer D-Box Motion Seats. These motion-activated chairs are the newest way for movie theaters to milk more money out of moviegoers, promising a more interactive experience with seats that "jerk, vibrate and sway" alongside the action of the film.

While the rewards seemed great, the costs were equally aligned. Well, actually there was really only one cost and that was that this theater's public "ribbon-cutting" was in Richmond, TX and that is really, really far away. But alas, I fell for the idea of sitting in a seat that could potentially massage my back while I watched trailers for Iron Man 3 and The Great Gatsby while eating free Twizzlers.

But more than that, I felt a need to go outside the beltway. As someone who reports on culture in Houston, I know that I am all too loop-centric, and that needed to change. This week.

But I made a huge mistake.

The first telltale sign that the universe did not want me to exit its protective barrier that is the Beltway 8 was something that can only be described as a shit-ton of traffic. I should have you know that I work off hours, and on my favorite days of the week my morning commute involves putting on slippers and walking to my desk. So 610 to 59 to the Westpark Tollway at 5:30 p.m. was something I have never experienced before. It was psychotic to say the least, and I feel deeply for anyone that must do this everyday. I am sorry for you.

Right as traffic started moving, my gaslight turned on. For fear that I would run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, I pulled off at the first gas station I could. This particular Mobil station falls easily into the category of "where the hell am I and please don't die." As I quietly pumped gas, I noticed two gentlemen, out of the corner of my eye, whom I'm quite sure just stepped out of the backwoods of Kentucky; they also shared a 40 out of a plastic bag.

"Siri, where am I?" "I wish I knew, Awesome." (Siri calls me Awesome)

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That impending sense of dread as the mercury climbs higher and higher up the thermostat, coupled with increasing humidity; the inevitability of leaving the air conditioning running day and night; the explosive growth of displays of sunscreen at the drugstore. These are just a few of the signs that summer is just around the corner.

Plus, you know, the calendar. It's May.

Whether you covet the deep, dark tan of a 1980s Coppertone commercial, or (like me) you're counting the days until October, here is a list of must-have items to help you survive summer in Houston.

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Photo by Caroline Bonarde Ucci

Under no circumstances is Dame Helen on this list.

Sometimes (every day) I daydream about what it would be like to have piles of money and access to more designer clothes and makeup than I could ever possibly wear in one lifetime. This habit is kind of hilarious, when you consider I hardly wear any of the piles of clothes in my own closet, instead rotating the same few dresses and jeans/tops combo for my day-to-day, work-from-home life.

If I were living a life of endless photograph-able opportunities, I like to think I'd really go crazy, mixing it up all the time and trying cool new things. After all, I wouldn't have to make decisions (stylists!) or go shopping (personal shoppers!) or do my own hair or makeup; if people were just handing me things, I would try out new stuff all the time. So why do so many beautiful women in Hollywood always look kind of ... the same?

All of these ladies always look great, but I want all of them to go totally bonkers and wear something different. Let's play Dress Up the Rich Celebrity!

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One of the stars of MTV's Teen Mom has made a professionally produced pornographic film called Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, available May 6. The film is a 70-minute hardcore outing featuring veteran male porn star James Deen, and Abraham netted more than a million dollars for her performance. Photos have already leaked online thanks to TMZ.

I have literally never heard of Farrah Abraham before today, and I have never watched a single episode of MTV's Teen Moms or 16 and Pregnant. I have no vested interest in this woman, her life, her work as an actress or a model, or really even the ability to pick her out of a line-up if that was for some reason necessary.

But I am probably going to watch her fuck somebody for more than an hour sometime next week, and I have no idea why.

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What could possibly be more fun?

Imagine, if you will, you are running around an enclosed stadium. You look behind you and notice that there are several angry, snorting bulls chasing you. And just as one of the animals closes in on you to maul you, you remember that you signed up for this and paid a fair sum of money to be placed in this situation.

Now imagine you are in Houston.

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High five!

Thursday, April 18, is National High Five Day. Allegedly, in 2002 a group of students at the University of Virginia thought it would be a good idea to stand in the middle of campus and give out high fives and lemonade, and National High Five Day was born. One would assume that the lemonade got them more attention that the fives. One may also assume that they were not in their right state of mind.

While the U.S. government does not recognize the third Thursday of the month of April as being a national holiday where you slap other people on their outstretched hands, it's gotten the attention of some media outlets (this one) and some minor sports stars. Sports people love their high fives almost as much as their fist pumps.

In addition to just giving out fives, NHFD has turned into a nonprofit organization that raises money for cancer research through its annual High-5-A-Thon. In 2012, the organization pulled in over $16,000 from people doing nothing but smacking people's jazz-hands all day.

I love a good high five, real or virtual. There's something innately nerdy about slapping someone five that makes it all the better. When two people cannot connect their fives, it's totally embarrassing and awkward. Little kids love high fives and are known to ignore all other parental requests save, "Can I have a high five?" Additionally, there's nothing funnier than pulling a high five away from an unsuspecting hand. Sucker!

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I was a passionate fan of both Good Morning, Miss Bliss and Saved by the Bell. Especially the latter, and it's all because of the fact that lead character Zack Morris was a crazed, megalomaniacal psychopath who could stop time. Seriously, he was such a bizarrely charming yet dangerously powerful and unhinged person that I honestly believe he should be the villain in the next Bill and Ted movie. On Etsy, Zack Morris has his own little cult-making fetishes. Here are the best.

Now, I have no problem even with neo-Nazis putting the onesies they like on their kids. If there's one thing all creeds and peoples can agree on, it's that if you're going to be responsible for caring for a being made of poop and crying, then you should at least get to stick him or her in the clothes of your choice until he's old enough to fight it. The Itty Bitty Boutique ranges from cute to offensive, and has a great love of '80s pop culture. Both Zack and Alf are available, or as I call them, The Beast and his Hound.

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Nothing quite defines us like our bathrooms, and no one wants to be defined by a pedestrian toilet paper holder. No, it should be worthy of attending to the cleanliness of our marvelous selves. Get out your credit card, kid, because I'm about to awesome up your pooping time.

You may be vengeance, you may be the night, but you will still need to get that convenience-store hot dog out of your system. Don't worry, thanks to Reddit user Conrick, your TP can come straight from America's greatest superhero, Batman. He stands 31" tall, and is custom crafted just like the Dark Knight's arsenal of gadgets. Remember, it's Bruce Wayne under that mask. Don't try loading him up with that cheap Angel Soft crap for squares. Spring for the Quilted Northern.

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Courtesy of seekingarrangement.com

It is amazing how life has changed over the past few years. In just five short years we've seen an African American in the White House, several states recognizing gay marriage, the first Latin-American woman Supreme Court Justice and now this news just hit: The national average age of a "Sugar Daddy" has dropped from 44 in 2007 to 39 years old! The Web site SeekingArrangement.com, the "world's largest Sugar Daddy dating Web site," has just released some stunning demographics about the current state of sugar daddiness in its comprehensive report "Top 20 Cities to Find a Sugar Daddy."

According to the site, Sugar Daddies are a young bunch, with the majority working in finance of some sort. They bring in about $270,000 and give their sugar ladies an allowance of 61 grand per year. The best place to find a Sugar Daddy in 2013 is Hot-lanta; however, Houston isn't too shabby. Space City is the number 18 city on the list to find yourself a Sugar Daddy, and H-town's dudes spend about $4,383 per month on their cowgirls. Modern Sugar Daddies in Houston now 42 years old and make approximately $666,736 annually. Of all the things the city should be proud of, I think we can agree that this is somewhere near the middle to bottom of that list.

While I have no idea what constitutes a Sugar Daddy to SeekingArrangments.com, the dictionary defines the term Sugar Daddy as a "rich middle-age or older man that bestows gifts on a young person for sexual favors." I always pictured Sugar Daddies as old, feeble men with canes and smoking jackets who buy young girls lots of blow, but perhaps I was wrong. A youngish dude can also want to pay for sex from someone who's not a hooker.

Given this definition, there are a few surprising modern sugar daddies out there that I may have never considered before.

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You can get crazier than that!

Remember a decade ago, when if young starlets wanted to lose it they went to clubs in Las Vegas, got wasted and flashed their panties (or lack thereof). Britney, Paris, Lindsay and other young ladies whose names are forgotten tried to hide from cameras in their most wasted or drug-fueled moments of embarrassment. Perhaps the reason the only pics we got of these ladies were when they were caught off guard in moments of mortification was that they weren't taking these photos of themselves. Those were the good old days, when young celebrities were really hot messes.

But nowadays, young Hollywood doesn't wait for the paparazzi to snap them in a moment of embarrassment or weakness; they do it all on their own and then they post it to their Twitter feeds. Juvenility has really changed into a purposeful attention-grab, not drunken hand-over-face cover.

One of the biggest offenders of such "hey, look at me be crazy" is Miley Cyrus. As with so many young celebrities, Cyrus's whole life has been on camera, but unlike the Britneys and Xtinas of the world, she doesn't pretend not to want the attention. She wants it even in the privacy of her own home.

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