The 10 Worst Pickup Lines of All Time

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Photo by Bombardier via flickr

So, you're standing at a bar, and some over-cologned dude who's sporting sunglasses indoors slides in next to you and says the following:

"Do you want to see something swell?"

And then he proceeds to look down at his crotch. No. Just no. These are situations that should never happen, and yet they do, often. Horrid pickup lines are hilarious anecdotally, but they're utterly uncomfortable in the moment. Nothing says "I need mace" like a stranger's crotch-reference. Especially when alcohol is involved.

So listen, guys. No matter what Mystery, the eyeliner-sporting "pickup artist" told you in his book, or what your boys told you about "negging" or whatever, it is never a good idea to use a stupid pickup line.

Here are some of the worst pickup lines ever, just in case you were planning to use any of them during tonight's bar-prowl.

Oh, love. Ain't it grand?

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The 10 Things I Learned on Being a Chick From Jason Ellis's "Awesome" New Book

Categories: Books, Bro Crap

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Let's talk about skateboarder-turned-MMA-fighter-cum-shock-jock Jason Ellis's new book, The Awesome Guide to Life -- Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together, shall we?

This book landed on my desk by some small miracle, perhaps sent over to us by the gods, and most definitely because somebody, somewhere knew I needed some learnin'. Some chick learnin'.

This book sure is something. You ever read a book and find yourself wondering where it has been all your life? Like, it's so life-altering and it enlightens you on so much about the world that you're completely enthralled, and you find yourself hanging on every word? Well, this is not one of those books, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

But we'll get to that. First, let's talk about Ellis. So this dude was once upon a time a skateboarder. He was a really good skateboarder, in fact, and he won lots and lots of awards and apparently also won a massive ego. He's retired from skateboarding now, and he has taken on a new career or six. He is now a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, a Howard Stern-wannabe, an author, and, judging by his book, a complete dick. I can use that word, considering he's used it at least 18 times in the first few chapters. I stopped counting after that.

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The Road House Remake Is A Thing That Is Happening

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Men just don't fight in pajama pants anymore.
Early yesterday we received the grim news that a remake of one of the storied entries in America's classic catalog of Movies To Watch While Hungover had gotten a director:

MGM has tapped Rob Cohen to direct its upcoming remake of the 1989 Patrick Swayze movie "Road House," TheWrap has learned.

Rowdy Herrington directed the original film, which was produced by Joel Silver. Kelly Lynch co-starred alongside Sam Elliott and Ben Gazzara.

The original "Road House" followed a tough bouncer with a mysterious past who is hired to tame a dirty bar in Missouri.

Cohen coming on board is only one step in making this a reality, but it's a significant step. A significant, shitty step. First Red Dawn, now Road House. Hollywood apparently won't rest until it's finished taking a giant dump on Patrick Swayze's cinematic legacy.

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When It's George Clooney vs. Russell Crowe, We're All Winners

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Place your bets.
There's an interview with George Clooney in the latest issue of Esquire. I've read a few pieces on the guy and this one hits the usual talking points - his aunt Rosemary, his strong relationship with his father, his loyalty to his friends - but he also takes a few swipes at fellow actors Leonardo DiCaprio (apparently someone should tell him he's not very good at basketball) and, somewhat interestingly, Russell Crowe:

"He picked a fight with me. He started it for no reason at all. He put out this thing saying, 'George Clooney, Harrison Ford, and Robert De Niro are sellouts.' And I put out a statement saying, 'He's probably right. And I'm glad he told us, 'cause Bob and Harrison and I were also thinking about starting a band, which would also fall under the heading of bad use of celebrity.' And that's when he really went off on me. 'Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He's a Frank Sinatra wannabe.' He really went after me. And so I sent him a note going, 'Dude, the only people who succeed when two famous people are fighting is People magazine. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

The two ended up ironing things out when Crowe sent him a book of his poems as an apology (though that could also be viewed as an escalation of hostilities), so that's nice. Still, Clooney is right. This kind of stuff is exactly the thing all of us ugly people (in the truest Frank Zappa sense of the term) need to help distract us from the futility of our meaningless lives.


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5 Most Unceremonious Exits in Professional Wrestling

Categories: Bro Crap

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Though I no longer follow professional wrestling regularly, I always keep an eye out on the periphery of the spectacle because I truly do believe that it is a completely unique art form that deserves more recognition. Maybe it's just the manchild in me who never got over watching the Ultimate Warrior finally topple Hulk Hogan when I was small and full of complete suspension of belief, but the combination of theatricality and athleticism has always enthralled me.

However, therein lies the problem... wrestling is basically a professional sport full of actors, and when you combine those two things you end up with some of the bitchiest and most back-stabby organizations that exist on the planet. The result of that is that sometimes superstars are just hurled aside in bizarre or vindictive manners because of politics and ratings.

Today I thought we'd look five of the worst.

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Ten Houston Dudes You've Probably Dated

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Ever dated the dreaded "Inner Looper?"

Let's be perfectly honest here. Sometimes dating sucks. And you know what pushes it to the maximum level of suck? Dating one of these guys. These are the guys you've dated, perhaps seriously, perhaps casually -- let's hope for your sake casually -- who have, at points, pushed you to consider life of abstinence in a convent. They're those guys.

Here are the typical ten Houston dudes you've probably dated. Just take this as proof that it is indeed not you, it's them. And don't worry. We're not afraid to admit that we're writing this blog from experience. Lots and lots of experience.

Check out our post on Ten Houston Women You've Probably Dated.

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Trailer Park: The Wolverine? More Like The Coolverine, Amirite?

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No? Not funny? Okay, never mind then.

Today the domestic trailer for The Wolverine hit the Internet, with the film clawing its way into theaters on July 26.

That's like eons away. Months even. Did we ask for another Wolverine picture? I liked 2009's X-Men Origins: Wolverine just fine, but it's just that...I wanted a Gambit movie really bad instead of this. Imagine the Las Vegas tie-ins!

In this trailer, we find Wolverine -- Logan if you nasty -- back in Japan and fighting bad Japanese people. Well, would you look at that; he can survive a nuclear blast. The whole thing seems to be an excuse for Hugh Jackman to wear fancy black-on-black suits and to have an Asian girlfriend.

As you can already tell, I am a very learned Marvel scholar.

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Happy 50th Birthday Kathy Ireland, The Kate Upton Of The '80s

Categories: Bro Crap

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forbes.com
Was that headline a clever ploy to unite Generation X and Y in solidarity with millenials? You're damned right.

Everyone from the first two groups can agree on the bushy eyebrows and bikini-clad bod of Kathy Ireland, who turns 50 years old today, and was ubiquitous in Sports Illustrated's best late '80s and early '90s swimsuit issues (thirteen of them in a row), and our creepy adolescent fantasies.

REWIND:

The 20 Best Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Covers

It was those gym shorts of Ireland's in Necessary Roughness, man.

Ireland could be called the Kate Upton (the current reigning pinup) of her generation, Upton has built an empire with her ample bosoms, powered by the magic of Twitter and the help of the jiggling GIF. No doubt if those all existed in the '80s, Ireland would have been noticed in an even bigger way.

Let this blog unite all three demos to behold the greatness of Ireland, who is now a powerful businesswoman, earning $2 billion in 2011 with her line of, well almost everything from home furnishings to wigs. She's traded SI covers for Forbes covers.

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Houston Facial Hair Club Is Growing and Fighting "Facial Hair Discrimination"

Categories: Bro Crap

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Mustaches make their way at the Houston Facial Hair Club's annual competition.

Check out our slideshow of magnificent beards and mustaches.

When you think about fads in hair, you usually associate them with the female gender. It is women who fluff and style and buy expensive products for their 'dos, not men. Men who spend too much time worrying about their hair have been deemed "metro" or even a little on the "fem" side. But this ladylike connotation gets thrown right out the window when you start talking about facial hair, because facial hair is a manly, manly thing.

Saturday night, Walters hosted the Houston Facial Hair Club's annual competition, and the beards and 'staches were out in full furry force.

The Houston Facial Hair Club, Houston's local chapter of Beard Team USA, has the mission of promoting the love of facial hair while fighting the first-world problem of "facial hair discrimination." The club was founded by Kenten Marin in 2008 and has built itself into an established organization with roughly 100 members. The group meets monthly to chat about facial hair, grooming, new styles, upcoming competitions and everything else beard-related; members also drink beer, surprisingly enough.

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Kenten Marin, the HFHC's founder


Tiffany Whitman currently runs the club and organized this year's competition. Whitman, despite being female and totally facial-hair-free, believes in the club and the rise in interest in men's facial coifs.

"I think facial hair is beautiful," Whitman says. Hear, hear.

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Let's Break Down 2012's "Most Googled Women in the World List"

Categories: Bro Crap

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First off, the most confusing thing about this "Most Googled Women in the World" list for 2012 is that Kate Upton, Christina Hendricks and Kat Dennings are nowhere to be found.

I thought they were really popular chicks with men and women, or is that just on Tumblr? I mean, Kate Upton was a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover girl and has jiggle-power, and Hendricks is on Mad Men and loves scotch, which should give her Google diamond status.

Maybe since Upton was so well, everywhere, people didn't need to go out of the way to search for her anyway. Kate Upton nude upskirt nipple naked boobs tits ass vagina free iPhone free iPad.

Now maybe that will help her numbers out a little bit more.

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