10 Grocery Store Customers Who Must be Stopped
Photo by Jef Rouner The battleground
I go to the grocery store every single day because I grew up with people who went once a week and ended up with a tin can Narnia in the pantry because of it. In doing so, I meet many lovely people just out purchasing their various foodstuffs like normal people.
And then there's...
People Who Don't Automatically Put the Bar Up Behind Their Groceries
Once you have loaded all of your cat food, mayonnaise and whip polish onto the conveyor belt, it behooves you to take the little plastic bar and close off your load with a tiny little border that you might imagine being manned by tiny little rednecks with itty-bitty guns and microscopic misspelled signs. Without that bar, the person behind you can't start unloading his or her own groceries and just has to stand there like an unhelpful lemon tonic water bottle in a vending machine. So quit it.
Anyone Who Tries to Buy Cigarettes Away From the Cigarette Register
Look, I get it. You figured you pick up your coffin nails with your Fruity Pebbles. Hey, I'm all for efficiency, but when you do that, you need to be over by the one register that has all the cigarettes next to it. No, it doesn't matter if you only have one other item and that register isn't an express lane. By buying cigarettes in a grocery store, you've already declared to the world that you feel saying, "No, not that one. The small pack. The blue one" three times in a row is a worthwhile use of your time so you can't be in that big a hurry.
In these people's defense, though...Grocery stores? If you have only one register open, in Allah's name please make it this one.
Certain of life's better things are available only to those of us who have passed the age of 21. Unfortunately, that's also about when you rediscover the sense of entitlement that you had as a toddler. You see it constantly from people trying to buy booze but who "left their ID in the car."
And no, these aren't even usually kids trying to buy booze illicitly. It's people perfectly able to purchase alcohol legally, but who have decided that since they actually are old enough to do so, there's no need to prove it anymore. That the law forces clerks to card you if you look too young is immaterial to these jerks. They're right, and you're hassling them, man.
People Who Shouldn't Use the Self Checkout
The grocery robots are there so that you can grab the butter you forgot for your chocolate chip cookies or to make a toilet paper emergency as little shameful as possible. If you have alcohol, coupons or a cart full of vegetables that require item code look-up, then this isn't for you. The whole reason we still have grocery clerks in the first place is because they can handle that stuff faster than you.
By the way, everyone totally knows what you're doing when you roll up with a big, complicated purchase load at the self checkout. You're trying to ring up things like a big bottle of ibuprofen as bananas. Cut it out.
Unprepared Check Writers
I'm not one of those people who hate that we still have checks. I still use mine, especially if I'm not entirely sure my own paycheck is going to be on time the next day. That said, if you know you're going to write a check, then get it out and start filling in information the second you're done loading onto the belt. Get your ID, too, and if you left it in the car and want to know why they need to see it, I hope someone commits the first frozen waffle beating death on you.