The Male Tummy Tuck Is a Thing, But Maybe That's Okay

Categories: Random Ephemera

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The Simpsons
From fat to thin like that!
Every once in a while I begin to receive press releases from incredibly random companies based on posts I've written that are loosely related to the field they represent. I don't have any problem with this, but I usually feel bad for the company because more often then not, I had written something mean or snarky about the topic. I assume that they just have a Google alert set up on the subject and when my name comes up, they add me to their press lists without actually having read what I wrote. Or maybe it's just the old adage that there is no such thing as bad press.

With this in mind, last week I received a press release about a new procedure called the "Boardshort Body Tuck" for men. Basically, there has been an increased demand in men wanting to be beach ready and they are not happy about their flabby bellies. Why not get a manly tummy-tuck, the release asks innocently?

Normally, I would try and find a way to make fun of this, but how can I? While I may never get a tummy-tuck because of a debilitating fear of needles and high interest loans (which I would need to take out to get one), I would be a total liar if I said I didn't want one. Who doesn't want a flat stomach? Unless you are Mrs. Butterworth or maybe Santa, having a small waist is the cultural standard. So what is there to say about the Boardshort Body other than: Go for it dudes!

And then I read on... allegedly, the reason this procedure exists is because of male menopause. Huh? Yes. Now we are getting somewhere potentially mock-worthy. Because of the change in male hormones at a certain age, their stomach skin starts to sag and, allegedly, no amount of exercise will fix this problem. The solution is surgery, and this surgery to boot. Again, I was caught off guard: I could easily find an angle to poke fun, but maybe male menopause is really an issue.

To find out if dudes experience hot flashes and have to put their faces in the fridge like Claire on House of Cards, I took it to the streets, or rather the interwebs. According to the Mayo Clinic, male menopause is not really a thing, but there is a significant decrease in testosterone. "Testosterone levels gradually decline throughout adulthood -- about 1 percent a year after age 30 on average. By about age 70, the decrease in a man's testosterone level can be as much as 50 percent."

Yikes! Additionally, men may find they cannot sleep, they cannot have sex, they are emotional roller coasters and that, yes, they lose skin elasticity. Less common, but still possible is an increase in breast size and hot flashes. So, guys kind of get the same thing as women. Sort of. According to a recent study, only six to 12 percent of men go through "the change," unlike every woman in the entire world.

Regardless, I started writing this post to make fun of this press release I received and through it, I came to understand that men get the shaft when it comes to hormones. We ladies complain endlessly about them, take pills for them, use them as excuses for why we can't have sex, why we just screamed at an old lady crossing the street slowly, why our face is covered in pimples, why we hate you and why we just ate a pizza topped with Hershey bars. So let's cut our guys some slack. The next time they are in a bad mood, let's give them a hug, some peanut butter and a spoon, and put on the Lifetime channel, and when they turn 50 and start to get saggy, don't judge them when they want to get their tummy tucked.

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