Mother's Day Wish List for New Moms

Categories: Parenting

berternie.jpg
I'll do anything if you stop crying! (Except take those hats off because I'm trying to get a good Facebook picture)
In my very short three months as a new mother, I have already come to realize that this is a thankless job. More thankless now, I assume, as my twin babies cannot speak. And while I don't normally condone what are really just Hallmark holidays, Mother's Day is a complete necessity if for no other reason than moms deserve to feel slightly appreciated one day out of the year. Plus, because it is Mother's Day, The Today Show gave this mom of 10 a car the other day, although I can't say if getting a free car is really worth having 10 children.

But since I'm a new mom, my level of "need for gratitude" is slightly different than someone who's been a mom for much longer. I don't "need" a night out on the town with my husband; I'd like one, but it hasn't been that long since we had one of those. I was way fatter and pregnant, but those times were some of our best dates because I actually ate. I don't "need" a bubble bath, I mean, I probably do because I smell like milk puke, but in terms of relaxing, soaking in a hot tub isn't going to do much for me when there are crying babies outside the bathroom.

This is not to say that new moms don't deserve to celebrate Mother's Day: Oh, we do. It's just that you can't buy us the things we really need at Zales or Edible Arrangements (although I would rock a fruit arrangement any day of the week). The things we need, don't exist in the real world; they are imaginary.

The Promise That Our Boobs Will Go Back To Normal
I have yet to meet a mom who said that after she stopped breastfeeding, her breasts went back to the way they were before. I don't know about celebrities, but I'll assume they've all had boob jobs. The only thing that I have heard from breastfeeding mothers is that post wean, their bosoms disappeared. Gone, evaporated, or perhaps deflated is a more accurate term. If there are any genetically blessed moms out there, please send me before and after pictures of your boobs if that's not too weird for you.

An Endless Supply of Clean Bottles/Spit Cloths/Changing Sheets/Etc.
Understand that my situation is slightly different as two babies came out of me which is double the mess, but I am sure that there is something, cloth diapers or Onsies or your bedroom sheets that keep getting vomited on, that all new moms wish would just clean themselves. Or rather how Jesus made unlimited wine, it would be fabulous if these items would just magically appear before us brand new. Or an even lesser wish: Let's make it socially and hygienically acceptable to use these items dirty, which maybe it is if you don't tell anyone that you are doing this.

To Be Deaf For Like Five Minutes
New moms - we've read the books, the blogs, the message boards that all try and convince us to let baby cry it out, even for just five minutes. And we say to ourselves, "Hey, baby is fed, changed, secure; I have to take a poop and I'm just going to let him/her cry for a few minutes." And then that first tiniest of whimpers comes slipping off of their little tongues and we run as if we just saw a guy in a ski mask with a machete and only moments before we were skinny dipping with our boyfriends at Camp Crystal Lake. "What if the baby is choking or gets SIDS or cancer and here I am taking a dump while it happens?" But if we couldn't hear baby for just five minutes, that's all I'm asking, knowing that our little one is absolutely fine and just crying to be a jerk, our days would be five minutes easier.

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