Don't Be Surprised When Jay Z Doesn't Come to Your Memorial Weekend Wedding

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Vogue
Let's say this out loud and not feel bad about whomever's feelings this may hurt because really they know, and if they don't, they need to: Getting married over Memorial Day weekend is sort of selfish. Getting married over any three-day weekend or nationally celebrated holiday is greedy, but there is something more so about Memorial Day. I have a few people in my life whom I love dearly who call this time -- when we should be grilling, taking in the sun, sleeping in till noon, drinking beers that have lime in them or, oh yeah, celebrating the great men and women who served for us -- their anniversaries. So, happy anniversary to you all.

We know you are not trying to be self-centered; on the contrary. It's a three-day weekend. Who wouldn't want to spend it at a wedding? You are really doing us a favor, right? You can have your wedding on the Saturday, which will give plenty of time for us to get into town and call it a "vacation" and you won't have to feel guilty. Of course, we all want to call a trip to upstate New York or Galveston our one "vacation" of the year. Or better yet, you can have your wedding on a Sunday, which is way cheaper for you, and then huzzah for us we don't have to worry about getting home late that night because we all have the next day off. And then, even better, we can go to your wedding brunch, which is exactly what we all want to do when we are hung over the next morning in an expensive hotel -- eat eggs with the creepstache uncle we drunkenly ground against to "YMCA" mere hours prior.

We get it. In the brides' and grooms' minds, this weekend is the perfect one to share nuptials and hear stories about their wild days in college from best friends we don't know. It's a three-day weekend! What else would we all have to do?

With this in mind, I open this missive up to my very good friends, who apparently left me off the guest list, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. The KK were married this weekend in Forte di Belvedere in Florence. That is in Italy, by the way. So not only were Kim and Kanye asking friends and family members to give up their three-day weekend, they were also like, "Oh yeah, and can you fly to Italy, too?" Look, guys, let's be frank. A flight to Italy is really long. From New York, it's about 12 hours, and a lot of your friends live in Los Angeles, which is even farther. Plus, it's expensive. Sure, I assume if you are invited to the Kardashian/West wedding, you can afford the cost of a round-trip flight to Europe, but there may be better ways to spend your money. Like on glass that you eat.

And not for nothing, Kim, we kind of did this whole fairy-tale princess wedding thing for you only a few years ago. I hate to do that to Kanye, who deserves his big day in the sun, too, but it's just so hard to see someone profess undying love again for the second third time. It's like smoking crack, as I have heard. The first time is amazing, like rainbows and kittens. The second time, yeah, it's good but nothing like that first time; that rainbow is more of a puddle of oil with a colorful reflection in it. By the third time it's no fun anymore and you're stealing money from your kid brother's piggy bank and you've moved into a crack den where your new best friend's name is Blue Eric, mostly because he likes to eat blue Kool-Aid while high on crack. He's your best friend now!

This is how the Kardashian/West wedding seems: It's like a blue-tongued crackhead.

But let's get back to Memorial Day. No one in Italy cares about Memorial Day Weekend, thus this wedding's price tag, which I'm sure was absurdly high, is no different than if you had the wedding next weekend. The reason no one in Italy has different rates for this holiday is because they don't celebrate it. I just wanted to mention that in the event that it wasn't realized.

And since Italy is not the place to go to think about and commemorate those who have died while protecting the lives of us Americans, they won't be having any parades or small-town celebrations where kids with missing teeth wave flags. There won't be lemonade and apple pie and burgers with blue cheese shoved inside for that "woah, was that blue cheese?" surprise.

There won't be families waking up at the crack of dawn and packing up their five kids, two dogs and three coolers filled with generic soda and Doritos and homemade coleslaw to go to the closest beach. They won't have an oversize Lands End striped bag filled with floaties and kites and that game where you throw a fuzzy ball at a Velcro hand thing.

There won't be any naked babies all dirty sitting in the sand eating it and then vomiting. There won't be any Tom Petty songs about America or melted Flavor Ice that is really just colored sugar water. There probably won't even be any douchebags without shirts on because it's Italy; okay, maybe there will be, but they won't have shaved their chests for the occasion.

What there definitely won't be in Florence, Kim and Kanye, is the euphoric sense of relief when you realize that you can drink as much as you want Sunday night and stay up late watching your favorite cable shows knowing that you don't have anywhere to be the next day except for a barbecue at your cousin Frankie's, where your only responsibility is watching the hot dogs burn and winning at beer pong. Of course, Tuesday you will feel terrible, but that's so far away. None of that happiness can be found in Florence.

Given all this information about the amazingness that is Memorial Day Weekend, are you really that surprised that Jay Z and Beyoncé opted to go to the Hamptons instead?

But it's cool; Joe Francis, the "Girls Gone Wild" dude, could make it.

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Instagram


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