Why I'm Totally on Board With the Announced Goonies Sequel

Categories: Film and TV

goonies0408.jpg
"Join the remakeventure."
So this is finally happening:

The Goonies director Richard Donner revealed last week that a sequel is currently in the works. Sean Astin said in 2012 that he was "1000 percent certain" that a sequel would happen and that he was willing to bet his children on it, so this news bodes well for both Astin and his children.

Ain't it Cool News has now reaffirmed that The Goonies 2 is "very real" and claims that Donner, Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus are co-producing the film and actively looking for writers and directors. This means that Donner and Columbus are not planning to direct or write the sequel themselves, as they did with the original. As far as the plot goes, the producers apparently want to focus on the children of the Goonies and include cameos from the original characters where possible.

Boy, that sounds promising, doesn't it? Normally I'd use this space to rant about the strip mining of our cinematic heritage by idiot studio execs who couldn't wipe their own ass without focus group approval and the ongoing absence of original ideas in Hollywood, but this is The Goonies we're talking about, so who really cares?

Look, The Goonies is terrible. Whatever charms it may possess are drowned out by shrieking children and lost amid slapstick that was dated before Eisenhower took office. Richard Donner and Steven Spielberg have directed some fine films, to be sure, but they both ascribe to the Decibel School of Comedy: the louder it is, the funnier it must be (see also 1941 and The Toy). Having no emotional investment, I have therefore come up with a few reasons why this sequel should move forward with all speed.

Corey Feldman Needs The Work
Several of the original Goonies have gone on to success as adults: Sean Astin played Sam in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Josh Brolin was nominated for an Academy Award for Milk, and Martha Plimpton is wrapping up the successful TV series Raising Hope. Hell, Jeff "Chunk" Cohen is now a successful attorney.

And then there's Feldman, whose recent resume consists primarily of straight-to-DVD fare, including two Lost Boys sequels(!). Even a cameo has to pay better than that, right?


Warner Brothers Isn't Even Disguising Its Contempt For You Anymore
Let's revisit this line from the article: "Donner and Columbus are not planning to direct or write the sequel themselves, as they did with the original." Add to that the fact the cast will only be making cameos "where possible" (and meaning no Sloth and Mama Fratelli appearances, for obvious reasons).

Donner and Columbus will still produce (along with Spielberg, allegedly), but let's not pretend that always means somerthing.


New Theme Song!
Hey, remember how awesome it was when [checks Wikipedia] *Nonpoint* did that cover of "In the Air Tonight" for the Miami Vice movie? Well if you liked that, get ready for "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" as performed by [throws dart] the 6th place finisher from season nine of American Idol: Siobhan Magnus!


One Day You Will Ache Like I Ache
I've been watching the beloved movies of my youth diluted by inferior remakes and sequels for almost 20 years. I've seen Indiana Jones turned into a punchline, John McClane into a parody, and my favorite Rob Bottin-designed extraterrestrial killing machine into a CGI shambles. North Korea substitutes for the mighty Soviet Union, Russell Brand for the inimitable Dudley Moore, and Michael Bay endeavor to genericize every horror movie made prior to 1990.

Now it's your turn, Goonies fans. Looks like your beloved memories are just as irrelevant to Hollywood as anybody else's, so get ready for yet another screenplay-by-committee performed by a half dozen Disney Channel supporting players.

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4 comments
RoosterMcGee
RoosterMcGee

Did you really say The Goonies was terrible?  First, how old are you?  Second, are you insane?!?!  The Goonies is by far one of my favorite movies from my childhood, and probably 99% of the countries in my age bracket as well.  I'm assuming youre either 50, or around 25.  I'm just amazed!  I've never heard anyone say anything negative about this movie ever.  Let me guess, you hated The Neverending Story, Labrynth, Big Trouble in Little China, The Adventures of Babysitting, Gremlins, etc too? 

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

@RoosterMcGee Who cares what someone who didn't like the movie has to say about it.  And I'm pretty sure he's around 30ish.

RoosterMcGee
RoosterMcGee

@FattyFatBastard @RoosterMcGee good point, but isnt that what the comment section is about?  For folks that agree, and for folks that dont agree?  If he can state his opinion so can I. 

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