George Clooney Engaged? Who Is "Hollywood's Least Attainable Bachelor" Now?

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The white whale of Hollywood singletons
That sound you heard last weekend may well have been the sixth seal opening:

His bachelor days are over!

George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin are engaged.

A source with knowledge of the situation confirms Clooney popped the question and exclusively tells PEOPLE, "George and Amal are trying to keep things very low-key but they also aren't really trying to hide this, it doesn't seem. I think it's like they want the people they love to know that this is real, that they plan on being together forever."

Well sure, that's what everyody *plans* on (just ask Talia Balsam). Still, it's entirely probable a 52-year old Clooney is ready to finally take himself off the market. Fortunately for you ladies, there are still several eligible fellows you don't have a hope in hell of ending up with.

That's not entirely fair. After all, Matt Damon married a bartender, and Brad Pitt married a woman who used to sleep with *Billy Bob Thornton*, so anything's possible.

To help out, I've included an "attainability index" for each name. This is measured as the chance out of 100 any given female has of landing the bachelor in question. This number is determined by a complicated series of algorithms, phrenology, and Santería style animal sacrifices.

10. Ryan Gosling
Age: 33
Pros: Rumored to have turned down People's "Sexiest Man Alive" award multiple times (that's so Ryan); appears well-adjusted, unlike most former Mickey Mouse Club cast members.
Cons: Rogaine costs may become prohibitive; his band sucks; Lars and the Real Girl was rumored to be autobiographical.
Attainability Index: 2 in 100


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9. Leonardo DiCaprio
Age: 39
Pros: Considered by many to be one of the greatest actors of his generation; speaks fluent German (no one who speaks German could be bad); likely has as much money as the Great Gatsby.
Cons: Doomed to win a "lifetime achievement" Oscar; has Vladimir Putin's seal of approval; gets around like a record.
Attainability Index: 5 in 100


8. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Age: 33
Pros: Has an Ivy League education (Columbia still counts, right?); "hates celebrity;" went to high school with the Joker.
Cons: Has made multiple appearances on Jimmy Fallon's show; obviously wasn't considered a good enough Dark Knight candidate to get the role in Batman vs. Superman; if you marry him your name will be a hyphenated nightmare.
Attainability Index: 10 in 100



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