5 Most Bizarre Kids Show Entries on Conservapedia
One of my favorite things in the world to do when I'm down is to go hit the random button on Andrew Schafly's "answer" to the liberal bias of Wikipedia, Conservapedia. If you've ever had to wean yourself off of hallucinogenic drugs and were looking for the LSD-version of methadone then I can't recommend the experience enough because it's literally the prose incarnation of the bats scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Except that the bats in this case are gay liberals looking to sneak homosocialism into your poop chute while you're standing your ground against colored people snorting weed off their fancy Obama phones.
Pictured: Your reaction in about three minutes
It's a little skeeeeeeeewed is what your buddy With One F is a-trying to say.
Conservatives being the side of the political coin that is supposed to be the most protective of the world's children and the sanctity of family life (provided that it's the sort of family life you only remember from black-and-white television), I thought it might be fun to see what the proper Conservapedia take on various children's shows would be. What do people that lean further to the right than Jack Sparrow drunk on land after a month at sea think of...
Captain Planet and the Planeteers
Here Duke Nukem prays to the ghost of Ayn Rand for a vote on Cap and Trade to fail
All in all there are fewer than a 100 children's shows with entries on Conservapedia. I can only assume it's because the writers are lazy, but maybe it's because even hard-right conservatives love Animaniacs too much to find liberal fault in the show. Let's hope for the latter.
Contrary to what you might think if you're one of the people that still remembers the "Eek, a Gay" scandals involving Teletubbies and Spongebob Sqauarepants the typical demon of Conservapedia is usually how children's shows promote environmentalism (Which is against conservative values provided you never look up the definition of the word "conservation" and stick with just hating Al Gore's weird face). In Cap's example, the 79-word entry blasts the show for following New Age-ism because of the Earth goddess Gaia, and laments that no one understands that "pollution is a necessary and unavoidable component of any industry or economic venture."
Which is why for the purpose of writing this article, an economic venture for which I am receiving a paycheck, I've randomly pooped somewhere that will ensure my feces will end up in a Houstonian's drinking water. I'm sure they will be able to taste the free market with every swallow.
Just because the hullabaloo around Spongebob and Patrick's same-sex marriage and parenthood has died down doesn't mean that the folks at Conservapedia can't still find something to clutch their pearls about. The entry starts off pretty legit, actually, with things like facts and brief but utterly accurate character descriptions. Ah, the sweet smell of unbiased sense. It smells like a chocolate daffodil.
Still, they just can't help themselves. The final sentence reads, "On at least one occasion, the show has been caught making statements implying that global warming is caused by humans." First of all, a show cannot be "caught" doing something because a show is not an actual sentient object no matter how cute Sandy Cheeks is. If you want to say the maker's of the show were "caught" doing so, that's more accurate, though I'm not sure how someone purposely broadcasting to millions of people can be "caught" either.
Look, I understand that the idea that the results of human industry might be somehow harmful makes conservatives cry, but facts are facts. The greenhouse effect caused CO2 emissions has been confirmed by every single reliable study, and humanity's hand in exacerbating that has also been recognized. The fact that a cartoon intended for grade schoolers can't even get that point across is proof that we really should have started getting the lead out of paint earlier in our history.
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