Reality Bites: Secret Sex Lives

Hooray for body dysmorphic disorder!
There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

TLC's Secret Sex Lives is little more than anthology series depicting the sort of thing Rick Santorum probably believes will become commonplace if gay marriage is legalized. In his mind, and the minds of those like him, legitimizing homosexual unions would open the floodgates to everything from allowing bronies to adopt human children to public autofellatio, only involving actual autos.

Honestly, I don't care to dissuade that line of thinking. Because the thought of Santorum and his ilk sweating bullets at the thought of furries roaming the streets with impunity is strangely comforting to me. It's just a pity the show kind of sucks.

Admittedly, I fast forwarded Nathaniel's story of his relationship with "Chase," his Chevy Lumina. This is mostly because he was featured on My Strange Addiction less than two years ago, and also because I can't decide if I don't buy that he is actually having sex with his car (multiple bumper kissing shots don't count) or if I just don't care. But if you're really curious as to the "ins and outs" of Nathaniel's "relationship," you can read all about it in a past Reality Bites. Warning: it more than exceeds your recommended daily allowance of porn 'stache.

Next up is Houston's own Sheyla Hershey. Sheyla has 32KKK breasts. They used to be MMM (insert "motorboating" joke here, or don't, if you're over the age of 12), until life threatening infections forced her to remove those implants.

Sheyla laments the fact she can't run, buy off the rack clothes (heh), tie her own shoes, or hug her daughter. Perhaps the fact the natural B-cup has been getting implants since she was 19 (she's 33 now) has something to do with it. She's described as a housewife, but there's no sign of her husband, much less any mention of what he does or why he appears unconcerned about his wife's obsession with her boobs.

Even worse, her plastic surgeon discusses Sheyla's mental disorder, yet still eventually agrees to go ahead with giving her the bigger implants, thus confirming the hypothesis that this guy is actually fairly representative of the cosmetic surgery industry.

Describing her breasts, Sheyla says, "They're the love of my life." Keep that up, and you won't have to worry about hugging your daughter for long.

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