Which Candidate Promising to "Fight Obama" Could Actually Beat Him (in a Fistfight)?

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I'm sensing a theme.
Name: Dan Branch
AKA: "Captain Eyebrows,"
Height: 6' 1"(?)
Weight: 175
Reach: 74"
Running For: Attorney General
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: Branch resembles a more sophisticated George W. Bush, who had no problem being declared the winner of contests he'd clearly lost.
Why He Wouldn't: Marquess of Queensberry Rules clearly forbid the use of that shotgun Branch is so fond of toting in his commercials.

Name: Ken Paxton
AKA: "No Relation," "Dishonest Ken"
Running For: Attorney General
Height: 5' 10"
Weight: 190
Reach: 68"
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: The size of Paxton's cranium leads me to believe he can take severe punishment, a la Homer Simpson.
Why He Wouldn't: Before tiring of punching, Obama might simply draw a red line Paxton -- like Assad -- will be physically unable to cross.

Name: Todd Staples
AKA: "The Toddfather," "Mr. Excitement"
Running For: Lt. Governor
Height: 5' 9"
Weight: 160
Reach: 66"
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: It's actually hard to imagine Staples winning any contest requiring physical prowess.
Why He Wouldn't: See above.

Patterson packs heat to make sure no one steals his $16 Casio wristwatch.
Name: Jerry Patterson
AKA: "J-Patz," "The Liberty Guy" (presumably no relation to "The Panicky Guy")
Running For: Lt. Governor
Height: 6' 2"(?)
Weight: 180
Reach: 76"
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: While getting on in years (are we allowed to elect someone to office in this state if they were born after 1960?), Patterson's Vietnam experience would prove formidable should the melee take place in a jungle.
Why He Wouldn't: Patterson would be especially vulnerable to the curb stomp while reaching for that .22 he keeps in his boot.

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johnnybench topcommenter

What about gubernatorial candidate SECEDE Kilgore?


Black man would send all these white crackers screaming for their Momma.

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