Which Candidate Promising to "Fight Obama" Could Actually Beat Him (in a Fistfight)?

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Come and take Lt. Governor candidate Todd Staples' guns, Obama.
It's Primary Day! Will Senator John Cornyn avoid a runoff? Who will square off in the Republican race for attorney general? Will voter turnout surpass a whopping 12 percent?

The arrival of the primary also signals the end of campaign advertising. That's a real shame, because -- at least as far as the Republican ads go -- watching the candidates scramble to prove themselves the most concerned about border security and/or terrified of illegal immigrants is entertaining.

Most amusing to me was the number of candidates vowing to "fight Obama." Mostly they're referring to the Affordable Care Act, but there are also references to our state's unique "Texas-ness," and how each particular candidate will best resist the Socialist-in-Chief's infernal federal meddling.

But because political nuance is lost on me, I decided to see if I could figure out which of the candidates promising to "fight Obama" really could. Fight Obama, I mean.

First, let's take a look at the Champ:

Name: Barack Obama
AKA: "POTUS," "Barry Hussein" (in villain mode), "The Kenyan Krusher"
Height: 6' 1"
Weight: 184
Reach: 76"
Running For: Nothing. In his second term, he's probably just hoping to a) make it out alive, and b) avoid war with Russia.
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: Obama is fairly quick and athletic, and also has the Secret Service, who would probably gun down anybody attempting to attack him.
Why He Wouldn't: It was The Audacity of Hope, not The Audacity of Rope-a-Dope.

Name: John Cornyn
AKA: "Big Bad John," "Not So Cool Whip"
Height: 6' 2"(?)
Weight: 195
Reach: 74"
Running For: U.S. Senate
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: Trinity University's "outstanding intramural athlete" also wrestled and threw discus. His right hand is also titanium steel.
Why He Wouldn't: Don't count out the possibility of Ted Cruz slipping him a mickey before the bout.

Dewhurst takes aim at Piers Morgan. Metaphorically, of course.
Name: David Dewhurst
AKA: "The Sun Devil," "The Good Uncle"
Height: 6' 5"
Weight: 210
Reach: 77"
Running For: Lt. Governor
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: He's got the reach, and impressive hair for an old dude.
Why He Wouldn't: Dewhurst is 68 and has probably lost a step, plus he won't be allowed to bring his Hall of Fame roping skills into play.

Name: Dan Patrick
AKA: "Mom Jeans," "Friend of Dorothy"
Height: 5' 10"(?)
Weight: 190
Reach: 68"
Running For: Lt. Governor
Why He'd Win A Fistfight: Those impressive chompers could deliver a Mike Tyson style ear bite.
Why He Wouldn't: Conservative talk radio hosts aren't exactly known for their healthy lifestyles or athletic physiques.

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johnnybench topcommenter

What about gubernatorial candidate SECEDE Kilgore?


Black man would send all these white crackers screaming for their Momma.

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