The 10 Things I Learned on Being a Chick From Jason Ellis's "Awesome" New Book

Categories: Books, Bro Crap

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Let's talk about skateboarder-turned-MMA-fighter-cum-shock-jock Jason Ellis's new book, The Awesome Guide to Life -- Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together, shall we?

This book landed on my desk by some small miracle, perhaps sent over to us by the gods, and most definitely because somebody, somewhere knew I needed some learnin'. Some chick learnin'.

This book sure is something. You ever read a book and find yourself wondering where it has been all your life? Like, it's so life-altering and it enlightens you on so much about the world that you're completely enthralled, and you find yourself hanging on every word? Well, this is not one of those books, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

But we'll get to that. First, let's talk about Ellis. So this dude was once upon a time a skateboarder. He was a really good skateboarder, in fact, and he won lots and lots of awards and apparently also won a massive ego. He's retired from skateboarding now, and he has taken on a new career or six. He is now a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, a Howard Stern-wannabe, an author, and, judging by his book, a complete dick. I can use that word, considering he's used it at least 18 times in the first few chapters. I stopped counting after that.

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He's already written one New York Times bestseller, "I'm Awesome," and that makes me want to cry angry tears for the state of our nation, because damn, this guy should never be giving advice. But he is giving advice. In fact, this is the second time he's giving advice. Oh, and what advice it is.

Ellis, who refers to what I assume are women as "girls" throughout the entire book, covers just about every subject. He talks about getting fit:"...it's scientifically proven that being fat makes you stupider." He talks about getting your shit tight: "Free-balling can be cool." And he talks about how to get laid: "If you don't have girls hitting you up on Twitter or a radio show where you can meet porn stars, don't take it too hard." The dude talks about everything, and somehow nothing, all at once.

Thing is, I guess I already know everything you need to know about free-balling as a girl, so I only learned a minimal amount during those chapters. But where Ellis really enlightened me was when I got to the chapter entitled, "How To Be A Chick." Apparently on top of all of the married cougar and "hot and horny grandmother" talk, Ellis is also a wealth of knowledge on what one should do to be a proper chick.

Being a proper chick is important, right? And I don't want to be the only chick who gains Ellis' insight. So since this stuff is very-super-extra important information, I thought I'd share the wealth of knowledge for the rest of you. Here are the top 10 things I learned from Jason Ellis when it comes to being a chick.

10. "Ladies, if you have big tits hanging out of your shirt...that makes you look like a whore."
Well then. Women, please make sure to wear something that grazes your collarbones at all times, or you will inadvertently be mistaken for a lady of the night. You know that cute V-neck sweater? The one that doesn't suffocate those lady bits, and allows you to breastfeed or appear to be at least a little bit feminine? You should toss that bitch, or you'll be getting solicited in the airport and the grocery store. Let's hope for your sake that this never happens, or Jason Ellis can say he told ya so, whores.

9. "Girls shouldn't say "dude." They shouldn't say "bro.""
Whoops. Broke that rule at least six times since the start of this blog, dudebro.

8. "Girls really need to be aware of how they laugh."
You know, if you can't keep your donkey-laugh at a socially acceptable bray, perhaps you should just stop laughing at all, ever. I mean, women should be seen and not heard, am I right? Guys? Guys? No?


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10 comments
britt_n_06
britt_n_06

If you are reading his book chances are you have heard his show....if not why continue reading after you have been so offended.....lighten up

White12
White12

It seems satire and context are completely left out, and all we have is a bitter statement, that lacks any actual information about Jason and his show. Unless I too, have a broken sarcasm detector? It's the only thing that would make this hogwash make sense. I'll refrain from saying anything too derogatory, as it would not help Jason's case. Just know, I was thinking a lot of gross words, that seem to fit you based on this generalization on the kinda man he is. Jason is definitely not a man without faults, he admits just that. When he's not actually helping people, the honest telling of the trials and tribulations of his life, how he has overcome them, and grows as a person everyday, help to inspire many others to turn it around. Howard Stern set the tone, and was an innovator, but to assume anyone else is a "wannabe" is silly. Also, wannabe hasn't been cool for an adult or teenager to say since the nineties, only in reference to the 1994 hit "Wannabe" by successful girl-power enthusiast, English girl group The Spice Girls, is the only time it makes sense to use that word. That's like me saying wassssssup. Anyway, Jason also has two kids he takes care of. One of which is a daughter. Who will despite this book you take too seriously, grow up with an outstanding set of morals, and the unconditional love, me and my Daddy issues wish was the standard growing up in my home. Next time, do yourself a favor and research the person you're writing about more, be less bitter, and have drink or three to loosen up. :)




P.s. Malice and Tara look damn good on the cover. Also you should tune into Siriusxm faction sometime. M-F 12 pm west coast time, 2 pm in Houston ...You may make air. Woot.

mcgovern.j
mcgovern.j

Well, it seems as though none of you, including the author of this article have bothered to do any further research on Ellis or what he is all about.  For starters, nearly everything he says is done for fun and entertainment and for the benefit of his fans; the thousands of fans that listen to his radio show 5 days a week 4 hours a day.  NOT for people like the girl who wrote this review and managed to string together a few sentences in between trying to hide the fact that she is mad at the world and has a feminist agenda.  What this chick has failed to mention are the countless people Ellis has inspired to get clean, sober, lose weight and generally improve their lives.  Additionally, he is a passionate advocate for the LGBT community, PETA spokesman, painfully honest about his struggle with addiction and abuse as a child, in hopes that he may be able to help as well as entertain his listeners.  He personally facilitated a callers trip to rehab after the listener expressed his desire to get clean.  He is a devoted father of two who at one point drove nearly 4 hours each way to work everyday to his radio show in Hollywood so his kids could live a comfortable life in the suburbs.  In regards to his show, its been said he is the future of radio by the execs at Sirius/XM.  He is not a Howard Stern wanna-be.  No one can be Howard Stern.  He is the original, there is the only one.  However, Ellis will be the first to tell you he IS the future.  As an entertainer there is a bi-annual 3 day sellout event in Las Vegas called Ellismania (now coming up on its 10th edition previously aired on FuelTv) that brings fans from all over the US and Canada for boxing matches that allow regular everyday people to step in the ring against celebrities.  Real celebrities.  Not just the kind the write a blog from time to time for free local Houston magazine.  At this event his band (who has been at the top of the ITunes chart more than once) plays along with other top selling artists including chart toppers Everlast and Benji Madden. He has also brought together groups of fans called the EllisFam that travel across the country and Canada to meet each other based all around the fact that this "dick"  has a radio show.  Barely a week goes by that a member of the armed forces hasn't called in to thank Ellis for entertaining them and their friends while overseas.  They constantly send back photos from the Middle East with Ellis' logo stuck to the sides of their military gear.  The fact remains that this book is intended for entertainment as well as to help people by being frank.  Frank, adult straight forward language that doesn't sugar coat anything.  The fact that you take issue with the use of real world language in this book is comical.  You appear to be a grown woman but act as though you haven't heard said or (don't let your parents hear this part) even done some of the things he talks about is absurd.  So is anyone else who acts as though they are better than him or anyone who would enjoy the book or the rest of his work that got him to the top of the New York Times Best Sellers List.  If you would have done a little more research on your subject you may have found that there is much more to Jason Ellis than you and your readers are willing to admit.  I'm also quite sure that if the day ever comes and you get published he is a great guy and would be happy to have you on his show.  Its the second highest rated show on satellite radio its sure to help you sell some copies.

Keith Schul
Keith Schul

Probably the reaction he was looking for

TXKathy
TXKathy

Damn, it was worse than beer in hell? That's bad. That's really bad, dude.

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

I don't blame douchebags like this for being douchebags... I blame myself for not buying that blowgun and field neuter kit. 

dermgerm
dermgerm

Where can I donate to this blowgun and field neuter cause?

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