No One Shot Bigfoot, But Here's 5 Texas Cryptids You Could (With Weapon Suggestions)

Categories: Random Ephemera

Did you hear about Rick Dyer, the man who supposedly shot a Big Foot in San Antonio and is offering the carcass as proof of the famous cryptozoological marvel? In fact, you'll be able to see it yourself as Dyer prepares to take the show on the road, offering you the chance to gander at a dead Gigantopithecus for a small fee soon at the Alamo Drafthouse as part of a Sasquatchploitation film festival. If that last bit makes you think that Dyer might be a charlatan asshat, then congratulations on your basic cognitive functions!

Dyer pulled this stunt previously in 2008 by saying he had stumbled across a Bigfoot corpse, and had it in his freezer. Upon thawing out, his creature turned out to be a rubber ape costume. We talked to author and cryptozoologist Ken Gerhard, our regular expert source of information on the subject, and he responded with:

"While I have investigated a few Bigfoot reports on the fringes of San Antonio, the area where Rick Dyer claims to have shot his specimen is within 2,000 feet of a Starbucks. That fact...along with his dubious participation in a Bigfoot hoax during 2008, should make things pretty obvious. It's just a matter of common sense. I mean, the odds of shooting a Bigfoot are probably akin to winning the lottery. So then, what are the odds that 'the boy that cried wolf' actually accomplished it? Besides, if someone actually had a body, it wouldn't be going down like this."

Still, maybe Dyer is your hero. Even people whose mothers drank when they were pregnant need heroes, I suppose. Do you want to charge off into the wilderness to cap some mythical beasts? Well, here's your handy-dandy field guide.

Many thanks to three friends who taught this hippie about guns for the purpose of this article.

Wampus Cat: The Wampus Cat comes down to us from Cherokee legends of Tennessee, though sightings of similar large feline cryptids are not uncommon in Texas. Supposedly the Wampus Cat was originally a woman who spied on her husband wearing a lion skin, and was sentenced to wander the Earth as a cat forever as punishment.

The animal is described as larger, faster and more powerful than a mountain lion, though not by much. Some reports say it walks on its hind legs, others that it walks on either all four or possibly six legs. Occasionally, the beast is claimed to be able to regenerate quickly from wounds.

Hunters I consulted suggested a .470 cartridge with an English bespoke double barrel rifle like a Purdy's as a primary armament, with a .500 S&W Magnum as a back-up should the regeneration abilities prove hard to overcome with your first shot and the creature close distance. As much initial damage as possible will be important, as long-range incendiary rounds or explosives will be harder to apply or even acquire for the average hunter.

Piece continues on next page.

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Don't forget the Boggy Creek Monster that terrorizes people in trailer homes all over Arkansas and East Texas.  The Monster is well documented in the movie, "The Legend of Boggy Creek", and several sequels.  It is like bigfoot, but is apparently attracted by the smell of Lone Star and the sweet sounds of Molly Hatchett.

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