Reality Bites: Big Tips Texas

Oh, Big *Tips*. That's what you call one of those double Nintendos.
There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

If you live in a city, state, or part of the world that's been the focus of a reality show, you probably have plenty of complaints. The more thoughtful residents of the Garden State weren't overly fond of Jersey Shore, while the good people of Pittsburgh, PA probably aren't too jazzed about the picture Dance Moms paints of their fair(ish) city.

And while it would hard to fault Big Tips Texas for its portrayal of life in the Lone Star State, I can't deny it represents a not unsubstantial population of our republic. That is, those people less focused on individuality and ruggedness and more on how to best personify the ideals of the movie Coyote Ugly.

I've spent as little time in Lewisville as humanly possible, but even if I'd lived there 30 years I doubt we would have made the trip to "Redneck Heaven," a -- wait for it -- "breastaurant" where the ladies of Big Tips Texas work. The ladies are characterized as "veterans" like Sabrina and Claire or "new girls" like Kristyn and Morgan. Length of service being the only apparent means of differentiation, as most sport identical fake tans, unfortunate weaves, and poor eyeliner choices.

Among the scandals anchoring The Episode I Watched were 19-year old Mimi's (new girl) pregnancy by Colton, her boyfriend. For some reason, she's afraid to tell him of her delicate state, possibly because of the *totally* irrational fear the guy she slept with after being together for one week will reject her when he finds out. To Colton's, uh, credit, his only concern appears to be whether or not Mimi's breasts will surpass their current B-cup status. Truly this is a love for the ages.

Amber (veteran), on the other hand, was only recently released (last episode, I think) on bail for DWI. The penal acronym is helpfully spelled out for us, as MTV coyly pretends none of the adolescents who watch their shows have ever partaken of demon alcohol. This is the culmination of a series of incidents (somehow this show aired 13 episodes without anyone outside of North Texas hearing about it) to the point where Redneck Heaven manager Typhani (ugh) has had several come-to-Bubba meetings with her. Amber, incensed at the implication her four public intoxication arrests might be indicative of a larger problem, tearfully storms out of Typhani's (gah) house.

This story continues on the next page.

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