Your 2014 Academy Award Nominees. And What the Hell, Here Are the Winners As Well.
You can tell it's awards season again because ... no one will stop telling you it's awards season. For example, the Golden Globes were last Sunday, and even after all the drunken jocularity and unfortunate screen captures, we didn't learn a whole lot. 12 Years a Slave and American Hustle nabbed the two Best Picture trophies, while the rest of the awards were spread across a wide range of films. One could argue Hustle was the winner of the evening, with three awards.
The guy can act. Who knew?
Then again, these are the Golden Globes we're talking about. If a bunch of starstruck, coked-up entertainment "journalists" crap an award out with your name on it, is that really "winning" anything?
But the season of speculation really kicks into high gear this Thursday, when the nominations for the 86th Academy Awards are announced. My completely unscientific analysis and predictions for the winners follow. Log on to your totally not monitored by the government offshore "gaming site" and place your bets.
Best Supporting Actress
Don't look for Jennifer Lawrence to repeat. It's not that she didn't deserve the Golden Globe, it's that the HFPA is notorious for honoring attractive, buxom females in order to - I assume - get them to show up to their awards show (see also: Angelina Jolie in The Tourist).
Jennifer Lawrence - American Hustle
Lupita Nyong'o - 12 Years a Slave
Julia Roberts - August: Osage Co.
June Squibb - Nebraska
Oprah Winfrey - Lee Daniel's The Butler
Nyong'o - I mean, Lawrence was good, but Rosalyn was clearly meant to be played by someone 10 years older. Plus, it seems unlikely the Academy gives her another Oscar a year after winning for Silver Linings Playbook.
Who *Really* Wins?
Fans of Julia Roberts bitchface.
Best Supporting Actor
The top four of this category are pretty much shoo-ins, and I went with Gandolfini due to the Academy's love of slapping themselves on the back for recognizing dead genius. It could just as easily be Tom Hanks (Saving Mr. Banks) or Daniel Bruhl (Rush).
Jared Leto - Dallas Buyers Club
Michael Fassbender - 12 Years a Slave
Barkhad Abdi - Captain Phillips
Bradley Cooper - American Hustle
James Gandolfini - Enough Said
Leto - Fassbender has years to get his props, while - given his erratic past behavior - this may possibly be the last time we see the former Jordan Catalano ever again.
Who *Really* Wins?
Barkhad Abdi. How many times has this guy used the line "I'm the captain now" while having sex with hangers-on since Captain Phillips was released>?
Best Animated Feature
Really one of the weaker years in this category, and not just because no one outside of critics' groups saw The Wind Rises
Despicable Me 2
The Wind Rises
Frozen - I didn't care for it, but my children watched this eight times in three days over the holidays and sing that goddamn "Let it Go" song in the car. Ask them about The Croods, on the other hand, and you'll be met with the same glazed expression I make when somebody starts talking about HBO's Girls.