5 Best Scenes From Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

Categories: Film and TV
After Derek realizes that he's being sent murderous toys randomly he decodes to get rid of his latest present, a pair of rollerblades. If you're under 30 years old I'm not sure I can adequately explain what this scene means. Roller blades might as well have been the sandals of Mercury himself. The idea of throwing them away, even if they could kill you, was as shocking an act as watching Thing touch that dude's butt in the last scene before strangling him. It never surprised me that rollerblades would be seen as the hallmark of a dystopian ruling elite in other, more sacred films.

So Derek throws out his blades, and some random white kid who had watched way too many rap videos at that point in his life takes them out of the garbage. Suddenly, sparks fly and the kid turns right into a flailing, badly-dressed Brian Boitano until a speeding car cuts him down.

He doesn't die because this was the tail end of horror movies still pretending to be fairytales with happy endings, even when the ending to this fairytale is horrifying as you will see.

A lot of what I've told you about can actually be seen in the trailer of SNDN 5 because, well, the rest of the film is dead-eyed "acting" and almost-boobs. One thing that must be called attention to is the genius that is Brian Bremer as Pino.

Much like your Christopher Walkens and your Dennis Hoppers, Bremer did not let the fact that he was stuck in a going-nowhere horror franchise slow him down in the slightest. If you stay to the end of that trailer you will see him throw down an insanely passionate and sincere bout of thespian smackdown as he pleads to be accepted as Derek's replacement as Sarah's son. I'm not joking. It's an inspired scene. Until...

I cannot be clear enough on how this entire film is someone working through a very, very bad Oedipus Complex. Pino reveals that not only is he behind the plot to kill Derek and take his place, but that he is actually an android. Then, he proceeds to dry-hump Sarah while screaming, "I love you, Mommy. I LOVE YOU!" at the absolute top of his robot lungs.

You could write an entire textbook on what these 30 seconds of dry-humping actually say about concepts like the fear of emasculation, the need for parental approval, the dangers of sexual abuse, and the nature of rape as an instrument of power over the victim. You could stare deep into the tortured eyes of Bremer as he ineffectively tries to thrust his way into making his plastic existence matter.

Or you could laugh like a loon while a whiny-voiced Ken doll tried to bone its mommy-figure while utterly ill-equipped to do so. On Christmas. Man, I love this movie!

Available on Amazon.

Jef has a new story, a tale of headless strippers and The Rolling Stones, available now in Broken Mirrors, Fractured Minds. You can also connect with him on Facebook.

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CoryGarcia moderator

Why does the announcer sound like he's doing a voiceover for the Land Before Time Part 27? And is "from the producers of Bride of Reanimator" really the strongest selling point they had for the film?

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