Reality Bites: Party On

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I COMMAND YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING
There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all. One at a time.

I was pretty jazzed when I saw the TV listing for Party On last week. "Wow!" I thought, "I can't believe E! picked up that show, though I wonder how they're going to edit it for TV. And aren't Adam Scott and Lizzy Caplan - much less Kristen Bell - way too famous to reprise their roles from a low budget Starz sitcom?"

Yes, I'm an idiot, because what I thought was a revival of the tragically canceled Party Down is, in fact, a new, quote-unquote travel show with synopses like this:

Jaqui parties in Mykonos with socialite Stephanie Pratt, after which she gets to know LMFAO's Redfoo and parties with the designers of Dsquared.

Is that even English? I understood "parties," "Mykonos," and "socialite." I guess that'll have to do.

Does "Jacqui," AKA Jacqueline M. Wood, qualify as a socialite? I don't know much about her background, except she was nominated for two Daytime Emmys for her work in The Bold and the Beautiful, so you know she's good at wearing makeup and looking shocked. I do know that few things grease the wheels for your "travel program" like focusing solely on locales where people tend not to wear much clothing.

The Episode I Watched (TM) was the series premiere, which took place on Mykonos. The historically minded among you may know the island was a commercial and trading hub dating back to the time of Alexander the Great thanks to its position between Greece and the Byzantine (and later Ottoman) Empire. While those keen on mythology may recognize Mykonos as the place where Hercules (or Poseidon) fought and killed giants opposed to the god Zeus.

If neither of those applies to you, well, you're screwed, because the only history Party On is interested in is EPIC DRAG SHOWS, GIRLFRIEND.

To be fair, the name of the show kind of gives it away. Wood and her shapely thighs aren't here to discuss the return of tourism following World War II, she wants to join resident drag queen "Epiphany" in "working it" on the catwalk, or race 4-wheelers with Stephanie Pratt from The Hills (yeah, I have no idea) and seek out the island's cutest sea urchin diver. They find him, and are soon in bikinis swimming alongside the hapless fellow, the camera lovingly lingering on Wood's buttocks.

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Where's a dirty bomb when you need it?
Party On is clearly the spiritual successor to E!'s Wild On, except Wood may be even less - how you say - cognitively abled than Brooke Burke, who at least showed some awareness of how obnoxious the concept was. Wood, on the other hand, hangs out with her "friends," fashion designers "Dsquared" (dissolute, coked-out identical twin brothers) on their fucking yacht before going to a club where something called a "Redfoo from LMFAO" is performing. Just kidding, I know who he is; he's one of Motown founder Berry Gordy's bazillion kids, which basically makes him the 21st century Rockwell. Wood refers to him as a "legend," which seems like an alarming dilution of the term, unless we're prepared to include Billy Ray Cyrus, Martika, and Dog's Eye View in that category as well.

Watching this parade of wholly terrible people indulging in excesses none of us are likely to partake in outside of virtual reality, I can't see any point to this show other than a devious means for E! to incite wholesale class warfare. Along with another (upcoming) show of theirs, #Richkids of Beverly Hills, it's easy to see some anarchic E! network programmer has decided to do what the Occupy movement couldn't and stir the long-suffering working poor and their new friends the middle class to murder as many of these bronzed troglodytes as possible.

Then again, your average E! viewer probably shed more tears over Paul Walker than for children dying of poverty in their own states. Not the best choice for your new revolutionary class, I guess.


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