It's Time to Fight Back Against Elves on Shelves
Dear Parents of Small Children,
We realize how cute you think these Elf on a Shelf things are. We get it. It's what, the zillionth year that you're going to spam our Facebook timelines with notifications about what your naughty little elf is using to torment your child with today? We've seen about every iteration of what your elf is capable of, and perhaps it's time to stop the madness.
It was funny the first time your elf squeezed out all of the toothpaste onto the sink, while high-diving off the back of a Barbie. We're sure your kid was totally freaked.
We giggled when that naughty elf found himself in a sugar coma from overdosing on the candy canes you conveniently left on the counter, and we worried about the health ramifications for the poor little guy.
Photo by MCA/Mike Allyn
We even stifled a for real laugh when you had him kidnap Skipper in her bikini. But seriously. We aren't laughing anymore.
You've killed the elf fun. We don't want to see your elf rappelling from the ceiling fan with a Polly Pocket. We don't care if your elf found the mini bottles of liquor and washed down your Vicodin with them.
And those weird doll threesomes? Yeah, we'd like to remind you this is a child's toy we're talking about, and that's weird and a little uncomfortable for us to process.
So if you continue to spam us with those freaking creepy elf photos on social media, we're going to have no choice but to fight back.
And just a warning? We play super dirty. So remember that before you upload that glitter-covered elf photo for the world to see.
Oh, and if you don't take heed, we'll have no choice to upload one of the following in retaliation, over and over again in a virtual side-eye to the elf epidemic. You've been warned.
Your adoring social media buddies
5. Elf on a Wrecking Ball
Seriously, the only thing more overdone and played out than Miley Cyrus is whatever you're about to post from your Elf on a Shelf antics. If we combine the two -- your elf, our Miley -- well, it's pure annoying magic. Maybe once our elf on a wrecking ball flies past your Elf on a Shelf post on your Facebook timeline, you'll think twice about spamming us with tomorrow's antics.
4. Mayor Rob Ford Elf
Listen, sometimes you have to pull out the big guns, and that's what Mayor Rob Ford Elf is for. He's a little bit naughty, a little bit nice, and he's what you'll be staring at if you keep spamming Facebook timelines with your elf's antics. He can one up your elf any time, any day.
Basically, he's Mayor Rob Ford Elf if you're nasty. Or if you put up any of your annoying Elf on a Shelf photos. Either or.