Ten Internet Dating Profiles You've Probably Been Matched With

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The Phallus-Photo Fanatic
I mean, what can really be said about this dude? He sends you unsolicited dick pics within 2.54 seconds of your profile landing in his inbox. It's as if he seriously thinks that someone, somewhere has won the freakin' Internet dating lottery by spamming the world with pictures of his miniature, and he might too. But he won't, cause gross.

Here's the deal, dudes who are reading this. Never in the history of man has that worked to seal the deal with a woman. No one wants to be on the receiving end of your unsolicited amateur porn pic. It won't work, and it probably never will, so unless we specifically request a picture of your crotch monster, do not send it. Ever. Especially on Internet dating sites. Or really just ever.

The Freaky Fetishist
This is the type of guy who never even attempts to play "normal." He's the one who makes it clear upfront what he's looking for. He's got you as a captive audience, and he wants you to help a brother out with something. He's got a fetish itch that needs to be scratched, and if you're listening, he's begging. And we're not talking about a little bit of BDSM here, either.

This is the guy who wants a current pic of you -- easy enough -- but he'd like you to tailor it to him. Could you dress up as a furry, but leave your hair in pigtails and wear Christian Louboutin pumps while standing on the bumper of a '67 Mustang GT? No, not a regular old Mustang. A GT, damn it! How's he supposed to know if you're a match if you won't just comply with one measly pic?

Mr. Type A Deal-Breaker
He's got a list. He likes lists. He makes lists for his lists, and if you don't meet every requirement on his list, he's not wasting his time on you.

Are you under 110 lbs, over 5'7, and a member of one of the three ethnic groups he's approved? Are you in your last semester of a graduate degree, or do you currently hold a post-grad degree and a job? Does that job only force you to work every other Tuesday of every other month? If the answer is a no, it's a done deal. He's not got time for anyone who doesn't fit his requirements. He has a reputation to uphold, and the house won't clean itself while your education and job take precedence.

Don't worry, though. He does have like, one or two areas where he's a bit malleable. If your shoe size is somewhere between an 8 and a 9, he'll take you. But he's deducting half a point for it.

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Thank you for the accuracy and the good humor and good writing, Angelica! And I hope many, many people get their eyes on this because it's all...the truth :)  After many repeated 3 day trials...and joining of the dating sites, I  quickly learned of the sad set up it is. I was assaulted with fake profiles, many of which are actually 'hijacked' by some sleaze weasel, who's hiding behind this nice guy's photo. The nice guy doesn't even know this is happening, until a benevolent woman contacts him to let him know, his profile's being used by some schemer. You've covered really well all the creepies, but to also add, another type of man we are all aware of, is the  one that's a decade older than yourself, not your type, there's nothing in common, "and they are SO interested in YOU. lol. When I hear of couples actually meeting and falling in love AND getting married from meeting online, it amazes me. Keep laughing! 


Muahahaha! I can't stop laughing!  Great job! You nailed every single one.  -not nailed-nailed, but eh, you know what i mean.  Online Dating is a blessing and a curse. I've had a few friends meet their husbands/wives online, while I've also had a few other friends (myself included), have to get restraining orders and a bodyguard because of online dating.  It's a gamble for sure, everyone wants to hit the jackpot, right?  

MadMac topcommenter

O-to-the-M-to-the-G. This is FUNNNNNNY! I sooooooooo glad I only use the interwebs for it's intended purpose--searching for Babylon5 movie news, Pam Grier pinups, and original Rand Paul speech material.

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