Ten Internet Dating Profiles You've Probably Been Matched With

Photo courtesy of knowyourmeme.com

The "Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Looking for a Sparring Partner" Guy
This guy is so jaded that even his opening profile quote is some glass half-empty garbage about how he loathes you, and he doesn't even know you. That's cause he knows how you are. Women are all the same. They're all the same.

If you make the mistake of acknowledging that he exists, you'll regret it. You'll regret it big time, because you'll be dragged into a verbal boxing ring where there are no winners. He's hell-bent on giving you the tongue-lashing you deserve -- you know, cause you're a woman and all. Damn your boobs and your intellect; you're still a woman.

The "Just Add Water Cause We're an Insta-Couple" Dude
Oh, he's a super sweet guy, and there's really not much wrong with him, as far as you can tell. There's no weird come-ons or strange hangups, and he has a decent career and a couple of dogs that he adores. He seems pretty great all around. There's just one problem, though. He's a clinger.

You guys haven't even met in real life and he's already talking about how much he'd like you to meet his parents...and his children...and his ex-wife. He's so excited about having a woman's touch around the house, and he wants your opinion on decorating since he's got no clue how things are supposed to be arranged. He's invited you to dinner with his ex, too -- it's a weekly ritual where she brings her husband -- and he'd like to bring his future wife.

Seems sweet, till it clicks that the future wife is you, and then it quickly jumps into overbearing and you run far, far away from that wicked computer screen.

Mr. 80 Beers Too Many
Much like the clinger, this guy seems really great at first. He has a huge group of friends -- which means he's probably not an axe murderer -- and he's the most social person on earth. It doesn't even bother you that most of his friends look like they're still going to frat parties, because he's also gainfully employed (which now seems like a big deal, thanks to the strange world of online dating), and is much older than they are. He's a shining star on the Internet dating scene, and you're hoping for a match made in Interwebs heaven.

That hope is smashed to tiny little shards, though, when he starts revealing his other side a few emails in. He's already drunk-emailed you more times than you can count, and now he's sending you toilet-selfies and the one his friend took while he was passed out on the sidewalk on a Tuesday. He's more than a little concerned that you don't immediately answer his drunken emails at 3 a.m. on a Sunday. He just wants to know you're there for him.

Don't be there for him. You'll be cleaning up his drunken bile for the rest of your days if you take the bait.

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Thank you for the accuracy and the good humor and good writing, Angelica! And I hope many, many people get their eyes on this because it's all...the truth :)  After many repeated 3 day trials...and joining of the dating sites, I  quickly learned of the sad set up it is. I was assaulted with fake profiles, many of which are actually 'hijacked' by some sleaze weasel, who's hiding behind this nice guy's photo. The nice guy doesn't even know this is happening, until a benevolent woman contacts him to let him know, his profile's being used by some schemer. You've covered really well all the creepies, but to also add, another type of man we are all aware of, is the  one that's a decade older than yourself, not your type, there's nothing in common, "and they are SO interested in YOU. lol. When I hear of couples actually meeting and falling in love AND getting married from meeting online, it amazes me. Keep laughing! 


Muahahaha! I can't stop laughing!  Great job! You nailed every single one.  -not nailed-nailed, but eh, you know what i mean.  Online Dating is a blessing and a curse. I've had a few friends meet their husbands/wives online, while I've also had a few other friends (myself included), have to get restraining orders and a bodyguard because of online dating.  It's a gamble for sure, everyone wants to hit the jackpot, right?  

MadMac topcommenter

O-to-the-M-to-the-G. This is FUNNNNNNY! I sooooooooo glad I only use the interwebs for it's intended purpose--searching for Babylon5 movie news, Pam Grier pinups, and original Rand Paul speech material.

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