Ten Internet Dating Profiles You've Probably Been Matched With

thehazardsofweb.JPG
Photos by Angelica Leicht

Dear readers, we have something we would to like to confess. We're former online daters, and we don't care who knows it.

Oh, stop giggling and side-eying us over our shady web-dating past. It was a rough time on the dating scene, and we were desperate for a date that existed outside of a sea full of bros and hipsters, so we went to extremes. We're still cool, we promise!

We've learned our lesson about the hazards of online love, though. Where IRL dating may be full of some 30k millionaires and die hard Aggie fans, the Internet stirs up its own interesting cast of creatures. And it's thanks to these Internet Lotharios below that we're off the Interwebs and onto a life of solitude and cats. Lots and lots of cats.


The Disturbed Poet
Nothing says huge warning signs like receiving an overbearing, slightly disturbing piece of literary work before you've even exchanged names. And yet this guy insists on the creepy poem strategy again and again, to no avail. It won't work on you, it won't work on the next woman, or even the woman ten profiles from now because it's like, bordering on restraining order creepy. Oh, and it's also just really crappy poetry.

His poem, which always equates to the literary genius of something like, "Roses are red/Violets are blue/Little do you know/I'm watching you," is meant to be a token of gratitude for your ethereal beauty, a beauty that he's studied in earnest, ever since your profile popped up with the hopeful little message of "Match!", but it's all for naught.

The crappy poetry does not make your clothes fall off with lust for your online admirer; it just makes you draw the drapes and shudder at the thought of this moustachioed man peering through your window instead.

The "Please Hold My Baggage While I Cry Hysterically" Dude
You kinda feel bad for this guy at first. It's not every day that a man is open and brutally honest with his feelings, and his heartbreak is kind of endearing. He's been dealt a rough hand. First his wife leaves him for his boss, and then that crazed hooker in Reno stole his cash and his dog, and now all he's got is his OkCupid subscription and the clothes on his back. Oh, and you know this all in the first five minutes, cause he's the king of Internet oversharing.

You quickly realize that you can either jump ship from this messaging madness or risk becoming another notch in his baggage belt, because every single person he's interacted with over his adult years is a source of misery for this dude.

So you do the prudent thing and hit "block," quickly forgetting that he ever existed. He didn't forget, though. Nope. You'll go down in Internet infamy, cause he'll add you to the list of people who broke his heart, and he'll cry about your lost Internet love to the next person unfortunate enough to have clicked enough boxes in common. And the next. And the next.

The Written Dry-Humper
Oh, this guy is just literally the sleaziest thing you'd find in a bar, only in a new, technologically-improved Internet version! He's the guy who starts things off well -- the one who seems genuinely interested in more than just your girl-junk -- and he even seems, dare I say, normal. And it makes sense when he starts to talk about how much he wants to get to know you.

But then it becomes how he wants to know you, know you. He then sends you the word-version of someone salivating on your cleavage while slipping a roofie in your drink. He just wants to take care of you, cause a woman as fine as you needs some of that special care, and only he can give it to you. Oh, and he'll give it to you reaaaaaaal good, baby.

Yuck. He is the verbal equivalent of someone dry-humping your leg in a bar, and you just don't want to deal with the dry-cleaning bill for those expensive linen pants.

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4 comments
Logicalbeauty
Logicalbeauty

Thank you for the accuracy and the good humor and good writing, Angelica! And I hope many, many people get their eyes on this because it's all...the truth :)  After many repeated 3 day trials...and joining of the dating sites, I  quickly learned of the sad set up it is. I was assaulted with fake profiles, many of which are actually 'hijacked' by some sleaze weasel, who's hiding behind this nice guy's photo. The nice guy doesn't even know this is happening, until a benevolent woman contacts him to let him know, his profile's being used by some schemer. You've covered really well all the creepies, but to also add, another type of man we are all aware of, is the  one that's a decade older than yourself, not your type, there's nothing in common, "and they are SO interested in YOU. lol. When I hear of couples actually meeting and falling in love AND getting married from meeting online, it amazes me. Keep laughing! 

wordlover
wordlover

Muahahaha! I can't stop laughing!  Great job! You nailed every single one.  -not nailed-nailed, but eh, you know what i mean.  Online Dating is a blessing and a curse. I've had a few friends meet their husbands/wives online, while I've also had a few other friends (myself included), have to get restraining orders and a bodyguard because of online dating.  It's a gamble for sure, everyone wants to hit the jackpot, right?  

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

O-to-the-M-to-the-G. This is FUNNNNNNY! I sooooooooo glad I only use the interwebs for it's intended purpose--searching for Babylon5 movie news, Pam Grier pinups, and original Rand Paul speech material.

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