Five Impossible Gifts for Impossible People

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The Seinfeld of books, available at Brazos Bookstore.
Some people are just impossible to buy for, you know? Everyone knows at least one of these impossible people; they fall into several categories:

The Already-Has-Everything Woman: She buys whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, so what's left?
The Guy Who Always Hates All His Gifts: Every time a gift-giving occasion comes around, he is complaining about what crappy gift givers everyone else is, and you wonder what he tells people about your gifts when he's not around.
The Best Gift Giver Ever: They always get you (and everyone else) the perfectly right thing, no matter the occasion and always graciously rave over the Amazon gift card and bottle of wine you got for them.

You want to leave all of these folks speechless, so we've compiled a list of insanely quirky gifts that are so unforgettable that, should you actually gift one, you may find yourself semi-famous by New Year's Eve.

5. Coravin Wine Access System

Opening wine is so last year--accessing wine is where it's at. The Coravin Wine Access System ($300, neimanmarcus.com) uses a thin needle and argon pressurization to remove the cork from the bottle: "When you remove the needle, the cork reseals itself allowing the remaining wine to continue to evolve naturally without being exposed to oxygen."

Great for: wine nerds, science nerds, gadget nerds.

4. Codex Seraphinianus

First published in 1981, the Codex Seraphinianus by Luigi Serafini ($125, Brazos Bookstore) has been recently redesigned by the author, and includes new illustrations. It's a "visual encyclopedia of an unknown world written in an unknown language," which translates to, "A pretty, but completely indecipherable book."

Great for: anyone who likes art, books, or language; friends who lie about their IQ.

3. Artisanal Cheesemaking Kit

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Photo by Alex Anlicker
Better than a camera? Let them decide!
Just reading "artisanal cheesemaking kit" is enough to make you smile--but try saying it out loud. Now imagine how many times, for the rest of your life, you'll have a reason to say "artisanal cheesemaking kit," and you'll realize that this is just as much a present for you as it is a present for your impossible friend. Hurry, order fast! This Artisan Cheesemaking Kit ($115, uncommongoods.com) is backordered, but is still shipping in early December--for now. Bonus tip: If you write "say cheese!" on the card, they will think you got them a camera, at least until they tear off the wrapping paper.

Great for: cheese lovers, home brewers already hooked on fermentation.

2. iPad Bathroom Pedestal Stand

Because in this day and age, if you aren't working while you're peeing, showering, brushing your teeth, bathing your kids, or doing any of the dozens of intimate things we humans do in the bathroom, you are a worthless welfare queen slacker who IS THE PROBLEM, DAMMIT. With this iPad Bathroom Pedestal Stand ($80, sharperimage.com) "you can take care of business ... while you take care of business." Yes, that's ripped straight from the product description. And yes, the stand has a toilet roll holder built right in. Just like Steve Jobs would have wanted.

Great for: workaholics, people you hate.

1. Parrot AR.Drone Quadricopter (Now Android Compatible!)

Now we can enjoy all the fun of targeting and killing terrorists, but just for pretend, and in the comfort of our own home, and without any civilian casualties. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! This Parrot AR.Drone turns your world into a video game, which is basically the final step in this whole blurring of reality and fantasy, right? Put down the video game controller, pick up your drone, and start practicing for The End!

Great for: doomsday preppers, video game addicts.

Location Info

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Brazos Bookstore

2421 Bissonnet, Houston, TX

Category: General


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3 comments
MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Is that a cockroach on the middle hunk o' cheese? Is it part of the kit? Is it available separately? Is it named Rufus? Do you see why I always get gift cards?

conebaby
conebaby topcommenter

@MadMac Just a stock photo of cheese, but MAN do I wish I'd seen that before writing the caption!

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

That's my gift! I spread joy and unicorn ca-ca where e'er I go.

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