Ten Houston Women You've Probably Dated

The Party Chick/Hot Mess
You met her at Warehouse Live, and it was the night of your life. She's the only woman you know who enjoys drinking more than you do, and she went home with you that very night. You thought you'd keep it casual, if you ever even contacted one another again, but it became a regular thing and mutated into a full-blown relationship before you could even get your bearings. Six months later, you're holding her hair back as she vomits into your toilet, while you stare at the clock, calculating how much sleep you can get if you fall asleep right now. This has become your life. And, of course, she's damaged, so good luck getting out of this one without a few emotional (and perhaps physical) scars.

The Independent Southern Belle
She has opinions, and by golly you're going to hear them! But you'll always pay for dinner and drinks, always open every door the two of you are entering and will always be expected to be the designated driver. So you'd better act like a man! One or the other would be fine, but this one likes to pick and choose whether she's a fair lady or a fiery, self-governing women whenever she sees fit. You can't keep up with the double standard, so just stop trying.

The Bandwagon Collegiate Faithful
She never attended school there. Hell, she's never even stepped foot onto the campus. None of her family has history there either but, like so many Pittsburgh Steelers fans (up until this season at least), she found a kinship with an institution that has a lot of history, even though she doesn't have any there. Every Saturday afternoon, she'll make you wear that Texas A&M, Texas, Oklahoma, LSU or Alabama T-shirt she bought you. Sure her alma mater is playing a game too, but she wouldn't be surrounded by a legion of fanatic graduates, so what's the point?

The Higher Than Thou
Everyone likes a lady in the streets who's a freak in the sheets, but things can get complicated when said lady/freak is an overzealous church-, temple- or mosque-going Goody Two-Shoes. Some of what you assume is a masquerade may be a bigger part of her personality than she originally lets on. Inevitably, you'll find yourself trying to keep a straight face as you argue with her about morality, religion and the afterlife... While naked. Are you really going to proselytize to me right after we did that?

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32 comments
nothanks
nothanks

...this coming from the writer who, on a first date, told his gal that he had an STD: "Stamina."


I love snark as much as the next one, but Christ this article fails so miserably at being even slightly witty -- or readable, for that matter. 

TonyTX
TonyTX

You missed several categories of women that I have been graced with since dating countless women in this fair city:

Vietnamese Party Girl

The Traveling Auditor

The Hispanic Girl with Too Many Tats (Drink Houston)

The New Money Girl

The Pothead

The Engineer Who Goes Out with Every Geezer in the Office

The I'm Just Doing My Basics at HCC Girl

The Married Immigrant

The Vapid Girl From the Woodlands or Deer Park who Thinks She has Taste

The Writer With a Boycut and Sits at a Bar and Scoffs at Anyone Making Small Talk

The Built Hispanic Jailbait

Thierry Langford
Thierry Langford

Half of these don't even apply to Houston and is just an 'I've had nothing but crappy experiences with women' article that was re-hashed from a similar OC Weekly article not too long ago. Shall I write you an article about the ten most cliche men a girl will most likely date in her lifetime?---AND make it relevant to Houston and not just the male species in general? Interesting read but it falls short.

snigley
snigley

Man, I live in Austin and I am sick of people thinking this city is like the gateway to heaven or something. This is a cool place, no denying the good times I've had, but please stop the obsession!

Greg Feczko
Greg Feczko

Apparently none. well, shit. I need to get out more!

andrewnathy
andrewnathy

At least we have more variety than Austin... "Ohh you have 3 tattoos, 2 rescue dogs and ride a bike for exercise/leisure/transportation? Your so different just like everyone else in this city. Please explain to me again how the victuals you purchased at at Whole Foods are so much better than the stuff I buy from those evil corporate run grocery stores."

Albert Vasquez
Albert Vasquez

I'd rather the kids at HP waste my time with more articles about how they love Fall Out Boy than this.

jacobsimonbocanegra
jacobsimonbocanegra

hometown hottie, every guy she hung out with was in love with her because she had great boobs and a great ass. so they didnt have enough game to seal the deal, so they hand around as "freinds" til she gets drunk enough to give them a shot, yeah North side guy im talking about u. ten years later theyre still freinds, spinning their wheels, while she and i had a kid together because they have tattoos and she already told them she hates that. #idiots she also hates thugs because her brothers have been locked up for a long time, but keep waiting..


chanock_sanchez
chanock_sanchez

I dated the "Higher than thou" chick. First relationship I've ever been in. Dumped me a couple of months ago for her religion. I told her that within two weeks of dumping me she would go back to having sex with others and sure enough that happened EXACTLY two weeks after. She still going to heaven though and I am going to hell... or at least thats what she tells me. 

heiditx1979
heiditx1979

I don't fit any of these, but know a guy who falls into several

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

For further consideration:

The Sugar Baby--that massive apartment/car/wardrobe/concert schedule was NOT paid for with her financial aid/waitressing/teaching money. Trust. This is confirmed by her blue-colar parents who say they've heard about you “for years,” but you’ve only been dating her for weeks.

The Wounded Bird--"I've been hurt, so I'll need you to go slow. Just fix my car/computer/broken heart until I ditch you." Usually for The Big Shot Oil Guy, the Dudebro, the Tortured Musician, or PrettyRicky's Nephew 's--who hurt her to begin with. But "he's given up the booze/drugs/strippers and we're really gonna make it work this time."

The Obscure Band Chick--She does NOT listen to commercial music and screens suitors with, "You don't follow SRV's fourth grand cousin, twice removed who plays ukelele for Hank III?" If you don't--Philistine--count on her impugning your s3xual orientation over your "lessor" band's concert T.

Kyle Ray
Kyle Ray

This comment section makes me giggle.

Noelle A. Perry
Noelle A. Perry

... > article about types of annoying men LOL OMG I KNOOOWWW > article about types of annoying women OMG WTF Y U HATIN ON THEM INDEPENDENT WYMYN

Chelsea Thomas
Chelsea Thomas

Wow, this is an absolute disgusting waste of everyone's time. Also, it's really great (and telling, as Autumn Smith said) that the Male stereotypes are far more relevant to Houston, and the Female list is just a bunch of stereotypes that aren't specific at all to Houston, but rather a running list of petty, societal views against women in general. Good job on journalism, Houston Press!

Autumn Smith
Autumn Smith

I find it very telling that two of the women implied to be obnoxious on this list are women described as having strong opinions, yet the article about the 10 Houston Men said nothing of the sort. I guess it's annoying when a woman shows she has a mind of her own and doesn't agree with everything you say! Heh. Shows massive insecurity on your part, writer.

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

What about the neurotic vegetarian/vegan that does nothing but worry and is about as much fun as a stick in the mud.

(Or)

The tattooed nit wit with more tats than common sense, and can't go a month without calling mommy and daddy for money, cause she like just had to go out and stuff ya know

(Or)

The sociopath who has absolutely no conscience, just does as she pleases and leaves a long trail  of bad relationships in her wake. These types live all manners of facades including being a devout Christians. More fun than a barrel of monkeys..

Jonathan Simons
Jonathan Simons

I've dated the "Austin Hopeful" and the "OMG Let's Get Married!" rolled into one ball of nuts.

OldSchoolCabDriver
OldSchoolCabDriver

one of my favorites: The Elitist-Hipster In Denial

Talks shit about hipsters, claims she isn't one.... wait, is that a bandana hanging out of your back pocket? You carry a pocket knife & tell EVERYONE about it? Oh, you cooked with that famous chef I like once? Yes, that is cool that you've done all of these things way before me. Please, continue telling me more.

jberlat1
jberlat1

What about the Party Girl/Austin combo BSC chick....

jenartist77
jenartist77

Ha ha ha.  I am guilty of the Austin thing, but I stopped because it's way over crowded now and it became trendy.  Nice job with the black bars over the eyes. 

You could come up with a few more types here I am certain.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

It may not seem like it now, but your higher power of choice blessed you. My first girlfriend was the same: you're going to h3ll b/c WE live together, b/c WE're not married, b/c you're Catholic, etc. Twenty-something years later, she's on marriage number three, can't pick a life direction, and her mother raised her kid.  

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

One guy? That's efficiency, there.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

"You carry a pocket knife & tell EVERYONE about it?" o_O You gotta find another bar to meet women. For the real though.

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