Ten Houston Dudes You've Probably Dated


urbancowboy.jpg
Phineas H via Flickr

The Urban Cowboy
No one in this city needs a gun rack; there aren't wild elk and buffalo roaming off Yorktown, nor are there deer leases off Richmond or Montrose. And yet for some reason, the Urban Cowboy has three gun racks in his living room alone. There are dead, stuffed creatures as far as the eye can see, and even his counters are made of leather. He's completely manscaped his house with every accessory a good urban cowboy should have -- guns, guns, and more guns. Well, at least in the main areas. You'll never make it to the bedroom to find out the beauty of that thing, or how many gun racks he's got nailed to the wall in there cause, well, you're kinda worried he's got a thing for shooting shit, and you'd rather not be next.


The Bottle Service Broseph
Oh, this guy. Good old Broseph. He's a ton of fun at first, ordering shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, e'rybooooody and dancing around like there's no tomorrow in his cut-off tee and embroidered jeans. He loves pop music, he's so okay with tanning, and he's got so many aerosol hair products, you worry about spontaneous combustion.

Things start to go downhill when the tab comes every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night -- you take Monday and Tuesday off as grooming days -- and he's nowhere to be found. He's ordered a bottle of Dom and a bottle of Grey Goose on your tab, though. He emerges when the credit card slips are all signed, content with his free buzz, and newly-oiled up with glitter lotion from his stint spent hiding in the bathroom.


The David Downer, aka Captain Depresso
Oh, man. This guy. He's the male counterpart to Debbie Downer, hell-bent on convincing everyone that everything in this city sucks, and he can't wait to get out and into a place with some real culture. Our music scene is non-existent. He knows this based on the fact that no one will book his crappy nu-metal band, or even give him a job because he won't shower or cut his hair. He can't find a place to live, so he crashes on his buddy's couch and smokes weed all day because he's so progressive that this city just doesn't "get" him. It's all garbage, man. This city is run by The Man, man.

He'll never leave this city, though. He'll never leave. He's too content to drunk dial you after a 6-pack of PBR and beg to sleep on your couch for a while, while he gets himself together to hitchhike to Austin. You'll eventually get bored with his outsider shtick and change your number. It's the only way he'll stop calling.

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54 comments
htowngal
htowngal

love it! I would trade the last guy for Liberal guy! that was one of the most fascinating dates....he wanted to tell everyone what to do/not do ---- I called him Nanny!

jenartist77
jenartist77

There should also be an article to show case the dating profile types such as: Guy Posing with Giant Fish, Guy Cropping His Exes out of Photos, The "I take photos of myself from under my chin with a blank stare on face" Guy otherwise known as Bad Selfie Guy, I Always Wear Shades Guy, Always Drunk Guy, Let me Show you my Whole Family Guy, See me Nekkie Guy, and so much more....

Erica Murphey
Erica Murphey

I've never dated The Urban Cowboy but that type has hit on me once in a while and I don't like him because he's usually got no education past high school.

GunsandTacos
GunsandTacos

Hilarious article, great job. May I add a few?

The Day Trader Guy

You'll run into him on your lunch break at Berry Hill. His eyes are glued to the stock ticker, and he's vocal about it. This is 50% truth, the other half is an effort to impress you. He's dressed to the nines, and he travels with a pack. He sees himself as Vin Diesel in "Boiler Room", though he looks more like "Stiffler" from American Pie

Sure, he's interested in sex as long as you're okay with by-the-hour hotel rooms, but he's truly out to impress his colleagues and his boss with arm candy. You'll never see his condo. Without saying it outright, he wants you to bring a slim friend along on your next date in Midtown. Sure, he'd love to settle down one day, once he secures his Aspen brownstone at 74 years of age.


The Moroccan

His car is impressive. A late model Porsche, maybe even a Maserati. His hair is luxurious, and he owns more than two pairs of Prada shoes. If you visit his condo, you will find a bunch of Art Institute students playing his high end gaming system, who have all tested out his various colognes. He has all kinds of fun toys, including gas-powered remote helicopters and bongs from the finest head shops in town. You're always welcome at his place, even if he's not there, especially if you're really good at GTA V. You'll soon learn that his parents own a textile business, which will be handed down to him "as soon as he's ready". 


The Greenwich Village Houstonian

He has degrees in everything, and his impressive book collection is only slightly less vast than the dozens of milk crates full of jazz and indie vinyl. He's currently working on a Poli-Sci theory that he would like to discuss with you, but you probably really won't understand unless you smoke a bowl together and make out to Toro y Moi. His beard matches his brown carpet flooring. Instead of telling you how much he enjoys the music of a specific band, he prefers to discuss how "important" they are. His parents have spent fortunes on his education, but they'll never understand why he delivers pizzas on his bicycle at his age.  He owns two male cats, Aldous and Huxley, and you sometimes wonder why his eyeglasses have no prescription. 


Still_Single
Still_Single

Where is the article on here about a guys perspective?

1. The I'm a model girl... but now I'm old and past my prime. Yes she's pretty to look at and fun to go out with.  You're friends are jealous of your trophy girlfriend.  It all seems on the up and up at first.  Sooner or later you find out she's got a string of baby daddies in her wake... A history of drugs and alcohol on her police report and a credit score less than 100. Of course she wants to move in with you as soon as possible and stay rent free.

2. The Ready to Settle down girl... She's really nice, seems to be a struggling single mom just down on her luck.  She does everything to show you how well she would take care of you. Cleans you're place, offers to help with laundry and doing dishes etc... but sooner or later you find out she used to be a stripper and has an arrest record prostitution or something along those lines... or she may have even done a few porn movies, but that's all in her past now, Right?

3. The Hot Mess girl... This girl is similar to the "i was once a model girl."  She's a lot of fun, she talks like a guy, watches sports and run her own fantasy leagues, can out drink you any given night of the week and drives a sweet sports car.  Sonner or later it comes out that she's gotten at least two or three DWI's, is currently driving without a license and can't hold down a job to save her life because she's always late for work or showing up drunk.

I could go on....

Erica Gillum
Erica Gillum

I'd love to see this written from a man's perspective on Houston women! Can we get someone on that, HP!?

Erica Gillum
Erica Gillum

Funny!!! The Urban Cowboy was my last...good lawwd, I've never seen so many dead animals on one freaking wall!!! He did like shooting things & I almost was the next!!! Rruuuun, Forrest, Ruunnnn!!!!

Todd Crocken
Todd Crocken

i don't fall into any of these categories! yay!

wordlover
wordlover

bahahaha! i've dated ALL of these guys!!!

Anse
Anse

There was the guy at the old King Biscuit who tried to hit on my sister-in-law while she was down for a visit several years ago. My brother was serving in the Navy overseas, and she had come to visit our parents. This guy was a real piece of work. He mentioned his 7 percent body fat about sixteen times in half an hour. I was going to tell him to bug off, but she was having too much fun. And even after casually referring to her husband several times, the guy kept coming back.  

Dave Messina
Dave Messina

Inner Looper...Guilty....But I did leave finally

lindseytownsend
lindseytownsend

Let's not forget Used Car Salesman guy, who goes by the nickname Carman and is having a bit of trouble with the IRS and his cokehead ex-wife.

Kari Orr
Kari Orr

Tell me you're gonna do the female version. I want more chuckles!

Kathryn Nelson
Kathryn Nelson

Nice photo, Chris. Are you supposed to be the "Inner Looper"?

irapeseriouslygrls
irapeseriouslygrls

11. Bikes are kind of my thing guy

12. 2 bit drug dealer that works the door at a hip bar guy.

13. I wear crystals guy

14. Let me smoke you out guy

15. people know me on Facebook guy

Finds you and asks you out on Facebook

16. Qoutes movies to much guy (will Ferrell movies)

17. Wins your heart with that one song he knows how to play on the guitar guy

18. Token black guy with" swag"

19. Cocky condescending because he likes you foreigner guy

20. I run this town two bit club promoter guy

21. My band is still relevant guy

22. I'm a dj fuck you dad! guy

23. Passive aggressors closet homosexuals guy. "Bro let fuck bitches"

jenartist77
jenartist77

I dated the inner looper.  Later, I learned he plead guilty to a stalking charge against some other girl.  He likes cats and porn.  Looks like a creepy, younger Charlie Sheen (if it is possible to get any creepier than that).

Jenny Lamacraft
Jenny Lamacraft

Ha! I know 3 of them... Mr. Big Shot Oil Man, Aggie Die Hard (non) alum AND the 30k millionaire! Haha

againsthesky
againsthesky

I read this list, and sigh in discontent as I realize two things. 1. how hard it is for me to get a date in this city and 2. How I don't fit the description of any of these types of douchebags.

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

There is no excuse for an Aggie, none.  But they'll certainly make plenty of them, ahem Kubiak...

jberlat1
jberlat1

Substitute women for many of these for the guys. Dating just sucks in general, but there is no perfect guy/girl. 

RebelYellTexan
RebelYellTexan

Rick Perry's Nephew and David Downer...so true.I kind of hate myself right now for dating multiple versions of these guys. I must end the cycle!

albertgator
albertgator

I'm offended that you think I'd even OWN a car. Why do you think I love the Inner Loop so much?

mk.alan
mk.alan

@Still_Single 4. The Snobby 20's College Girl that lives at home with her parents... She drives a new luxury car that she doesn't pay for, attends college but wishes she could stay home and have someone else pay for everything, doesn't have any ambition to get a job and says "Working is just not for me", complains about her siblings and the expensive stuff they get from her parents for free, never offers to pay for anything, never spends a dime, expects every door open for her and sarcastically complains when you don't open it, she thinks she is the prettiest thing on the planet because she is in her 20's, doesn't have a clue on how the REAL world works,

annaleicht
annaleicht

@jenartist77 I mean, that sounds impressively creepy. I kind of wish I had a photo to add above the Inner Looper as a warning to people now. ;)

MadMac
MadMac

Right? Because for all the snark, when I was a single guy at UH, all the ladies gravitated TO THESE DUDES. But then my "I was the model for Cliff Clavin AND Norm Peterson," pick up line was just too hip for the room.

MadMac
MadMac

Ba-dum-BA! Good one!

annaleicht
annaleicht

@jberlat1 Oh, absolutely. We'll make sure to rag on the girls as well, I'm sure. ;)

jenartist77
jenartist77

And to be fair, the ladies should be ousted as well: The Russian Bride, The Party Girl, Girl with Lots of Baby Daddies, The Too Good to Be True Girl, The Gold Digger, The Basket Case, The Single White Female aka Pyscho, etc…

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

@annaleicht @jberlat1 The neurotic vegan-tarian who does nothing but worry about nothing - and is as much fun as a trip to the dentist.. For some reason I've seen to attract those types of women..

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