Ten Houston Dudes You've Probably Dated


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Triple Tri via Flickr

The Die Hard Longhorn Alum
See The Die Hard Aggie Fan, only replace maroon with burnt orange and a silhouette of some sort of cattle. They're interchangeable, really.


The 30k Millionaire
This guy. I mean, we all know this guy. He pulls up to your house in a BMW, and he makes sure to tell you it's a BMW as you step in. He doesn't let you put your feet on his floor mats, though, because after all, it's a BMW. You're left to somehow lift your feet inches off that imported plastic mat, your legs cramping from the muscle tension it takes to do so while he drives fast as hell down I-10 because, well, Beemer and all. You pull up to the overpriced restaurant, and he barks at the valet about not touching the buttons.

He then proceeds to spend the entire dinner forcing you to gag from disgust as he talks about how much money he has, and how much his car cost, and how much ass he pulls because of his money, money, money. And yet, on the way home, he invites you back to his mother's house, where he lives, because he can't afford his lifestyle with well, his Beemer and all.


The Inner Looper
The Inner Looper. This isn't the guy who lives in the inner loop, it's the guy who can't live without the inner loop. He's a trembling little girl when it comes to driving outside of the confines of his comfort zone, convinced that areas of the city that aren't snuggled within the 610 borders are full of some Tobacco Road/Deliverance type of folks, complete with sawed off shotguns and terrible taste in shoes and music. And when you suggest that you should meet for the steak frittes and a martini at Flora & Muse, he spends the next hour rocking in a corner in some little hipster bar in protest. He will never leave the loop for you. NEVER.




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54 comments
htowngal
htowngal

love it! I would trade the last guy for Liberal guy! that was one of the most fascinating dates....he wanted to tell everyone what to do/not do ---- I called him Nanny!

jenartist77
jenartist77

There should also be an article to show case the dating profile types such as: Guy Posing with Giant Fish, Guy Cropping His Exes out of Photos, The "I take photos of myself from under my chin with a blank stare on face" Guy otherwise known as Bad Selfie Guy, I Always Wear Shades Guy, Always Drunk Guy, Let me Show you my Whole Family Guy, See me Nekkie Guy, and so much more....

Erica Murphey
Erica Murphey

I've never dated The Urban Cowboy but that type has hit on me once in a while and I don't like him because he's usually got no education past high school.

GunsandTacos
GunsandTacos

Hilarious article, great job. May I add a few?

The Day Trader Guy

You'll run into him on your lunch break at Berry Hill. His eyes are glued to the stock ticker, and he's vocal about it. This is 50% truth, the other half is an effort to impress you. He's dressed to the nines, and he travels with a pack. He sees himself as Vin Diesel in "Boiler Room", though he looks more like "Stiffler" from American Pie

Sure, he's interested in sex as long as you're okay with by-the-hour hotel rooms, but he's truly out to impress his colleagues and his boss with arm candy. You'll never see his condo. Without saying it outright, he wants you to bring a slim friend along on your next date in Midtown. Sure, he'd love to settle down one day, once he secures his Aspen brownstone at 74 years of age.


The Moroccan

His car is impressive. A late model Porsche, maybe even a Maserati. His hair is luxurious, and he owns more than two pairs of Prada shoes. If you visit his condo, you will find a bunch of Art Institute students playing his high end gaming system, who have all tested out his various colognes. He has all kinds of fun toys, including gas-powered remote helicopters and bongs from the finest head shops in town. You're always welcome at his place, even if he's not there, especially if you're really good at GTA V. You'll soon learn that his parents own a textile business, which will be handed down to him "as soon as he's ready". 


The Greenwich Village Houstonian

He has degrees in everything, and his impressive book collection is only slightly less vast than the dozens of milk crates full of jazz and indie vinyl. He's currently working on a Poli-Sci theory that he would like to discuss with you, but you probably really won't understand unless you smoke a bowl together and make out to Toro y Moi. His beard matches his brown carpet flooring. Instead of telling you how much he enjoys the music of a specific band, he prefers to discuss how "important" they are. His parents have spent fortunes on his education, but they'll never understand why he delivers pizzas on his bicycle at his age.  He owns two male cats, Aldous and Huxley, and you sometimes wonder why his eyeglasses have no prescription. 


Still_Single
Still_Single

Where is the article on here about a guys perspective?

1. The I'm a model girl... but now I'm old and past my prime. Yes she's pretty to look at and fun to go out with.  You're friends are jealous of your trophy girlfriend.  It all seems on the up and up at first.  Sooner or later you find out she's got a string of baby daddies in her wake... A history of drugs and alcohol on her police report and a credit score less than 100. Of course she wants to move in with you as soon as possible and stay rent free.

2. The Ready to Settle down girl... She's really nice, seems to be a struggling single mom just down on her luck.  She does everything to show you how well she would take care of you. Cleans you're place, offers to help with laundry and doing dishes etc... but sooner or later you find out she used to be a stripper and has an arrest record prostitution or something along those lines... or she may have even done a few porn movies, but that's all in her past now, Right?

3. The Hot Mess girl... This girl is similar to the "i was once a model girl."  She's a lot of fun, she talks like a guy, watches sports and run her own fantasy leagues, can out drink you any given night of the week and drives a sweet sports car.  Sonner or later it comes out that she's gotten at least two or three DWI's, is currently driving without a license and can't hold down a job to save her life because she's always late for work or showing up drunk.

I could go on....

Erica Gillum
Erica Gillum

I'd love to see this written from a man's perspective on Houston women! Can we get someone on that, HP!?

Erica Gillum
Erica Gillum

Funny!!! The Urban Cowboy was my last...good lawwd, I've never seen so many dead animals on one freaking wall!!! He did like shooting things & I almost was the next!!! Rruuuun, Forrest, Ruunnnn!!!!

Todd Crocken
Todd Crocken

i don't fall into any of these categories! yay!

wordlover
wordlover

bahahaha! i've dated ALL of these guys!!!

Anse
Anse

There was the guy at the old King Biscuit who tried to hit on my sister-in-law while she was down for a visit several years ago. My brother was serving in the Navy overseas, and she had come to visit our parents. This guy was a real piece of work. He mentioned his 7 percent body fat about sixteen times in half an hour. I was going to tell him to bug off, but she was having too much fun. And even after casually referring to her husband several times, the guy kept coming back.  

Dave Messina
Dave Messina

Inner Looper...Guilty....But I did leave finally

lindseytownsend
lindseytownsend

Let's not forget Used Car Salesman guy, who goes by the nickname Carman and is having a bit of trouble with the IRS and his cokehead ex-wife.

Kari Orr
Kari Orr

Tell me you're gonna do the female version. I want more chuckles!

Kathryn Nelson
Kathryn Nelson

Nice photo, Chris. Are you supposed to be the "Inner Looper"?

irapeseriouslygrls
irapeseriouslygrls

11. Bikes are kind of my thing guy

12. 2 bit drug dealer that works the door at a hip bar guy.

13. I wear crystals guy

14. Let me smoke you out guy

15. people know me on Facebook guy

Finds you and asks you out on Facebook

16. Qoutes movies to much guy (will Ferrell movies)

17. Wins your heart with that one song he knows how to play on the guitar guy

18. Token black guy with" swag"

19. Cocky condescending because he likes you foreigner guy

20. I run this town two bit club promoter guy

21. My band is still relevant guy

22. I'm a dj fuck you dad! guy

23. Passive aggressors closet homosexuals guy. "Bro let fuck bitches"

jenartist77
jenartist77

I dated the inner looper.  Later, I learned he plead guilty to a stalking charge against some other girl.  He likes cats and porn.  Looks like a creepy, younger Charlie Sheen (if it is possible to get any creepier than that).

Jenny Lamacraft
Jenny Lamacraft

Ha! I know 3 of them... Mr. Big Shot Oil Man, Aggie Die Hard (non) alum AND the 30k millionaire! Haha

againsthesky
againsthesky

I read this list, and sigh in discontent as I realize two things. 1. how hard it is for me to get a date in this city and 2. How I don't fit the description of any of these types of douchebags.

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

There is no excuse for an Aggie, none.  But they'll certainly make plenty of them, ahem Kubiak...

jberlat1
jberlat1

Substitute women for many of these for the guys. Dating just sucks in general, but there is no perfect guy/girl. 

RebelYellTexan
RebelYellTexan

Rick Perry's Nephew and David Downer...so true.I kind of hate myself right now for dating multiple versions of these guys. I must end the cycle!

albertgator
albertgator

I'm offended that you think I'd even OWN a car. Why do you think I love the Inner Loop so much?

mk.alan
mk.alan

@Still_Single 4. The Snobby 20's College Girl that lives at home with her parents... She drives a new luxury car that she doesn't pay for, attends college but wishes she could stay home and have someone else pay for everything, doesn't have any ambition to get a job and says "Working is just not for me", complains about her siblings and the expensive stuff they get from her parents for free, never offers to pay for anything, never spends a dime, expects every door open for her and sarcastically complains when you don't open it, she thinks she is the prettiest thing on the planet because she is in her 20's, doesn't have a clue on how the REAL world works,

annaleicht
annaleicht

@jenartist77 I mean, that sounds impressively creepy. I kind of wish I had a photo to add above the Inner Looper as a warning to people now. ;)

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Right? Because for all the snark, when I was a single guy at UH, all the ladies gravitated TO THESE DUDES. But then my "I was the model for Cliff Clavin AND Norm Peterson," pick up line was just too hip for the room.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Ba-dum-BA! Good one!

annaleicht
annaleicht

@jberlat1 Oh, absolutely. We'll make sure to rag on the girls as well, I'm sure. ;)

jenartist77
jenartist77

And to be fair, the ladies should be ousted as well: The Russian Bride, The Party Girl, Girl with Lots of Baby Daddies, The Too Good to Be True Girl, The Gold Digger, The Basket Case, The Single White Female aka Pyscho, etc…

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

@annaleicht @jberlat1 The neurotic vegan-tarian who does nothing but worry about nothing - and is as much fun as a trip to the dentist.. For some reason I've seen to attract those types of women..

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