The Tricks I Use to Determine if Other Parents Are Nuts

Categories: Parenting

nutparent4.jpg
Photos by Jef With One F
Like most Houstonians I woke up over the weekend elated to see that Mr. Sun had been kicked hard in his thermonuclear nutsack by the first true cold front of autumn. For the first time in months I could venture outside without wondering if I was in one of those horror movies where the ending reveals you were in Hell all along. Elated, I decided to take a walk with my daughter to Willowlake Park so my wife could study without hearing the Powerpuff Girls fighting crime and advocating communism muffled in the next room.

It really was a gorgeous weekend. The rain cooled things down, and while it did make hauling a wagon filled with everything the little empress deemed necessary for a two- hour jaunt as well as her own precious self a little bit more exercise than one out-of-shape writer was counting on, I was just knocked out by weather and sheer happiness of not being bathed in hateful radioactive fire.

We fed ducks and snapping turtles a stale baguette, explored some woods, sat and read Snow White under a tree, and ate a snack in a gazebo that has happy yet vaguely ominous graffiti about a sun god drawn in chalk on its floor. I was just about to suggest another promenade around the jogging trail to the Kid With One F when a young girl of the same age and her mom walked by.

See also: Parents, Don't Let Your Children Watch Powerpuff Girls or They'll be Communists

nutparent3.jpg
The Kid is fearless when it comes to other children. She's shy around adults, and has been taught never to go anywhere with a stranger unless it involves a blue police box. With other children, she immediately asks if it is OK if she goes say hi, and I always tell her it is.

Though I encourage her to be open and friendly with other kids, I am always a little leery of just walking up and introducing myself to the corresponding child's parent. Number one, I always want to give the kid a little room to start a conversation that doesn't involve me, and I detest formal rituals when meeting strangers. To me kids making friends should basically involve walking up and finding something ridiculous to do together while the parents look on.

Eventually, though, you have to interact with the other adults, and this can be problematic because lots of parents are nuts. They don't check if you have any screws loose before they let you out of the hospital with a baby. Hell, they don't even check if you've installed the car seat right and that annoys me because they totally told me they would and I practiced with that thing like a NASCAR pit mechanic. So I always use a set of verbal tricks to establish whether or not I need to make excuses to leave.

The first thing I do is make sure I mention my wife, my hardworking, beautiful, wonderful wife as soon as possible. This is for two reasons. The first is that nothing is more annoying to me than to meet someone who thinks that having a penis capable of producing a child also makes me incapable of taking care of said child. You find a lot of folks holding onto outdated gender roles when you're a man alone with a kid, and I don't need the little ninja picking up any more of that than necessary.

Piece continues on next page.


Sponsor Content

My Voice Nation Help
12 comments
feufoma
feufoma

I generally go into any situation involving direct interaction with strangers (especially other parents) so that I first and foremost consider that they are in fact nuts.  I'm right about 75% of the time... People are crazy...

merdad
merdad

As a single father of two girls, I know parents are freaking crazy.  I once introduced my self to the mother of a friend of my oldest daughter....she wanted to spend time with her outside of school.  Everything between me and the mom went fine but the dad comes into the picture and asks me point blank...it wasn't even really a question or a sentence....So....Bush...family values.  My response of considering presidents to be puppets and not really proponents of the propaganda didn't quite sit well with him.  Of course, my daughter never had her play date.  People, for the most part, are idiots.  Religion is probably the biggest indicator of that fact.

arrothiel
arrothiel

I don't even have kids, but this is a great article. Made me laugh like crazy. Could have been the caffeine I just ingested, but I'll give you the credit anyway. ;P

Noelle A. Perry
Noelle A. Perry

i seriously can't wait until someone tries to tell me a C-section "doesn't count". i was injured at birth and almost died because my mom's OB/GYN refused to do a C-section [brachial plexus injury to my right arm - basically she pulled me out by my right arm, dislocated my shoulder, and tore the elbow joint loose from my upper arm. she also jammed the forceps in my right eye] so uh...i'm having a C-section no matter what. and i'm totally looking forward to the looks on the faces of the C-section nazis when i tell them why. i think i like conflict a little too much. :/

AwesomeMargie
AwesomeMargie

Damn.  She sounds like a keeper.

By and by, I love this post.  Perfect descriptions of child and the damn heat.

rgwalt
rgwalt

that third floor apartment's defensive position can just as easily turn into a trap if there isn't a good means of egress.  plus you have to be able to block the stairs to keep the biters from knocking down your front door.

ladymoondancer
ladymoondancer

Sounds like she has a few " tests" of her own! LOL!

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

@rgwalt Destroy the stairs is literally the first thing in the Zombie Survival Guide

rgwalt
rgwalt

True, that will help you survive the initial wave of the outbreak... but what are you going to do when the eletricity and plumbing go out, and you start to run out of food and water?  And just as important, water to flush with?  You either need those stairs, or need a retractable fire escape or some sort of rope ladder.  Can zombies climb rope ladders?

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

Health & Beauty

General

Loading...