The Tricks I Use to Determine if Other Parents Are Nuts
Like most Houstonians I woke up over the weekend elated to see that Mr. Sun had been kicked hard in his thermonuclear nutsack by the first true cold front of autumn. For the first time in months I could venture outside without wondering if I was in one of those horror movies where the ending reveals you were in Hell all along. Elated, I decided to take a walk with my daughter to Willowlake Park so my wife could study without hearing the Powerpuff Girls fighting crime and advocating communism muffled in the next room.
Photos by Jef With One F
It really was a gorgeous weekend. The rain cooled things down, and while it did make hauling a wagon filled with everything the little empress deemed necessary for a two- hour jaunt as well as her own precious self a little bit more exercise than one out-of-shape writer was counting on, I was just knocked out by weather and sheer happiness of not being bathed in hateful radioactive fire.
We fed ducks and snapping turtles a stale baguette, explored some woods, sat and read Snow White under a tree, and ate a snack in a gazebo that has happy yet vaguely ominous graffiti about a sun god drawn in chalk on its floor. I was just about to suggest another promenade around the jogging trail to the Kid With One F when a young girl of the same age and her mom walked by.
The Kid is fearless when it comes to other children. She's shy around adults, and has been taught never to go anywhere with a stranger unless it involves a blue police box. With other children, she immediately asks if it is OK if she goes say hi, and I always tell her it is.
Though I encourage her to be open and friendly with other kids, I am always a little leery of just walking up and introducing myself to the corresponding child's parent. Number one, I always want to give the kid a little room to start a conversation that doesn't involve me, and I detest formal rituals when meeting strangers. To me kids making friends should basically involve walking up and finding something ridiculous to do together while the parents look on.
Eventually, though, you have to interact with the other adults, and this can be problematic because lots of parents are nuts. They don't check if you have any screws loose before they let you out of the hospital with a baby. Hell, they don't even check if you've installed the car seat right and that annoys me because they totally told me they would and I practiced with that thing like a NASCAR pit mechanic. So I always use a set of verbal tricks to establish whether or not I need to make excuses to leave.
The first thing I do is make sure I mention my wife, my hardworking, beautiful, wonderful wife as soon as possible. This is for two reasons. The first is that nothing is more annoying to me than to meet someone who thinks that having a penis capable of producing a child also makes me incapable of taking care of said child. You find a lot of folks holding onto outdated gender roles when you're a man alone with a kid, and I don't need the little ninja picking up any more of that than necessary.
Piece continues on next page.