Diary of a Man Vastly Unqualified to Fix a Wii Going For It Anyway
September 25: The screwdriver arrives. I imagine the Zelda treasure jingle as unwrap it... and by imagine I mean hum it loudly to the irritation of my coworkers who wonder why I am holding a screwdriver over my head triumphantly. "Tonight," I whisper, "I nerd."
September 25 (Later): Having fed the family, I tinker while they sit down to watch cartoons until bed. Everything is set up neatly on the desk. Lamp, strips of tape to secure tiny screws and arranged by segment of the Wii to ensure no loss among components, magic screwdriver, normal screw driver, pliers, razor, guide open on the laptop with a tab also containing video walkthroughs, and all the cats secured in the bedroom to reduce incidents of, "Whatcha doing dad?"
Piece by piece, double-checking each step as I do it, I remove the shell of the Wii and expose the disk drive. I plug the console in and insert the disc to check for the scratching noise that indicates a bent retention clip. Sure enough, there it is, and I careful bend it back until the noise dissipates. Elated, I hook the system (Still in pieces) up to the TV and the title screen comes right up.
"Who's your daddy?" I yell triumphantly!
"You are!" yelled my daughter tackling my legs. Celebrations on hold as we prepare her for bed.
September 25 (Still Later): Bedtime accomplished, I carefully, step by step, reverse the taking apart process, again double-checking every step. Every screw and clip goes in perfectly, and within minutes the Wii looks as good as the day my brother gave it to me. I decide to celebrate by fulfilling that nice electric woman's quest.
Finally, I shall complete this pointless task for my imaginary friends!
Disc error... what the hell?
I take the Wii apart again, triple-checking each step again. I don't appear to have cut any wires or unplugged anything, but the disc won't spin at all unless I do it by hand. I start randomly unscrewing things to try and find what the hell I did that rained on my brief Tinker God parade, until I realize that if I screw up the Wii's ability to stream Amazon Instant Video I will probably be divorced within a fortnight. I put the system back together, get drunk, and play Final Fantasy XII instead of the one I should be playing because if the video game industry is going to be contrary to me I'll be contrary right back!
September 26 (Early Morning): Lying in bed I'm unable to sleep for sulking. I had a lot of self esteem invested in fixing the Wii. I thought it would make me feel like a grownup to bend a seventh generation system to my tool-using mammalian will.
As I dropped off, though, I sort of remembered more clearly that house in Jacinto City... that thing was crap because every single time we fixed it something else broke since we never had the cash to just hire a professional. We were always nickel and diming solutions, and that's why nothing worked. In a weird way, this whole thing did actually make me feel closer to my dad.
September 26 (Late Morning): Just checking to see if magic goblins have fixed the Wii while I slept. They have not because, you know, OBAMA!
September 27: Since I already asserted that Xenoblade was totally worth $90 used it feels like hypocrisy not to spend $40 on Amazon to pick up a cheap used console to replace it. Meanwhile, I walked into BrodioShack, laid the magic screwdriver on the counter and said, "This is a symbol of man's hubris, and of your failure," and walked back out into the world propelled by cries of, "Dafuq, dude?"