Diary of a Man Vastly Unqualified to Fix a Wii Going For It Anyway

Categories: Gaming

September 15: Despite the fact that I'm supposed to be doing a series on Final Fantasy XIV I once again delve into Xenoblade Chronicles on the Wii because it is still quite possibly the greatest RPG of the last several years. Just as a I go up to yet another helpful townsperson with yet another side quest, the game goes very odd.

Suddenly, everything is super slow. I decide to save real quick and restart. Once the game gets going again I notice that it is even slower. In fact, Colony 9 loads so slowly that for several minutes the entire game is empty except my character wandering the deserted streets. It's a little creepy honestly, in addition to being a terrific metaphor for the sadness of my chosen hobby.

Eventually the game ceases to work at all. I retire to bed and decided to investigate in the morning.

September 16: A little investigation reveals that the Wii has a retention clip in the drive that sags with age and can slow or block the spin of a disc... especially if you leave the discs in the console, which is applicable here because I haven't pushed eject on the Wii since May of 2012. Several online guides assure me that bending it back up is simple for "beginner to intermediate" tinkerers.

Well by golly that's me! I'm the descendant of the people that built Stonehenge and the son of a man with more tools that your average autobody workshop! He was constantly trying to fix our ramshackle house in Jacinto City, and gleefully threw himself, sans instructions, into every possible problem.

I was always more reticent than my dad, but recently I'd brought a laptop back from death after a wine spill, though I figured this was the next step. All I needed, according to the online guide, was a tri-wing #3 screwdriver... whatever the hell that was.

September 21: I go into the closest RadioShack, expecting that they will surely have this magic screwdriver in stock. After all, what is RadioShack for except to supply those who wish to bend electronics to their will?

Has anyone else noticed that RadioShacks have gone totally bro-douche in the last several years? Every single one I go into is empty, but has three frat guys standing around going, "Aw shit, no man, really? Aw shit." My request for the screwdriver is met with derisive laughter, and they send me to Home Depot ("Look on the screwdriver aisle, dude, that's where it'll be.") The folks at Home Depot are nicer, but can't supply it because it's more of an electronics tool... which is why I went to freakin' RadioShack.

I spend the evening complaining about the clerks to a cheap bottle of wine and wondering if anyone has ever been beaten to death with an RC car.

Piece continues on next page.

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Amazon represents a triumph of capitalism!  Where else can you get a screw driver shipped to your front door in two days for $3?  That is FREAKING AMAZING!  Think abou it... granted you paid for the Prime membership, so they got some money out of you at that point, but they put a screw driver in your hands in 2 days for $3 including shipping and still made money.  That is capitalism in action.  It boggles my mind.  I have bought things using next day shipping and have received them in less than 24 hours, for $4 extra.  My only gripe is that they opened a distribution center in Texas, so now I have to pay sales tax.

RadioShack should have died years ago.  It really only exists for people in the middle of some kind of project that need a part, cable, or connector RIGHT NOW to finish the job.  Or for the computer illiterate or people who simply don't know better.  The problem is that they have to charge 10 times what amazon does in order to stay open because their business is low volume.  Still, I don't know how they have stayed open this long.  Probably a front for laundering dirty money.

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