Diary of a Man Vastly Unqualified to Fix a Wii Going For It Anyway
September 15: Despite the fact that I'm supposed to be doing a series on Final Fantasy XIV I once again delve into Xenoblade Chronicles on the Wii because it is still quite possibly the greatest RPG of the last several years. Just as a I go up to yet another helpful townsperson with yet another side quest, the game goes very odd.
Suddenly, everything is super slow. I decide to save real quick and restart. Once the game gets going again I notice that it is even slower. In fact, Colony 9 loads so slowly that for several minutes the entire game is empty except my character wandering the deserted streets. It's a little creepy honestly, in addition to being a terrific metaphor for the sadness of my chosen hobby.
Eventually the game ceases to work at all. I retire to bed and decided to investigate in the morning.
September 16: A little investigation reveals that the Wii has a retention clip in the drive that sags with age and can slow or block the spin of a disc... especially if you leave the discs in the console, which is applicable here because I haven't pushed eject on the Wii since May of 2012. Several online guides assure me that bending it back up is simple for "beginner to intermediate" tinkerers.
Well by golly that's me! I'm the descendant of the people that built Stonehenge and the son of a man with more tools that your average autobody workshop! He was constantly trying to fix our ramshackle house in Jacinto City, and gleefully threw himself, sans instructions, into every possible problem.
I was always more reticent than my dad, but recently I'd brought a laptop back from death after a wine spill, though I figured this was the next step. All I needed, according to the online guide, was a tri-wing #3 screwdriver... whatever the hell that was.
September 21: I go into the closest RadioShack, expecting that they will surely have this magic screwdriver in stock. After all, what is RadioShack for except to supply those who wish to bend electronics to their will?
Has anyone else noticed that RadioShacks have gone totally bro-douche in the last several years? Every single one I go into is empty, but has three frat guys standing around going, "Aw shit, no man, really? Aw shit." My request for the screwdriver is met with derisive laughter, and they send me to Home Depot ("Look on the screwdriver aisle, dude, that's where it'll be.") The folks at Home Depot are nicer, but can't supply it because it's more of an electronics tool... which is why I went to freakin' RadioShack.
I spend the evening complaining about the clerks to a cheap bottle of wine and wondering if anyone has ever been beaten to death with an RC car.
Piece continues on next page.