Top 5 Most Bizarre Cruises This Year

Categories: Random Ephemera

So, I've heard tell of these things called vacations where you, like, don't work. It's just a rumor I'm trying to track down before the editor comes in for my afternoon tazing, but it sounds really cool. The one that really intrigues me the most are cruises. That sounds awesome, you just get into a big floating hotel and leave behind the world for a while.

And apparently you can do this with a theme!

I investigated this last year upon discovering that there was a Kate Gosselin Cruise experience, which sounds sort of like the kind of thing the government would use to get information out of terrorists. Luckily for the self-esteem of the country the cruise failed to get out of dock since a whopping 12 people signed up for it. Well done, America!

So since Kate on the Sea is out, what other cruises are available for those of you who get vacations? Well...

The 4 Most Bizarre Theme Cruises This Year

The Amish Outlaws Fan Cruise 2014: I spent an hour on the Amish Outlaws website and I still have no earthly idea if they're joking on not. Apparently they are a cover band made up of six guys that left the Amish community for the traditional "Amish Gone Wild" romp that they all do when they turn 16, but they never returned to their home. They all met at the 2002 Pocono Vacation Park "Rock and Roll Hootenanny" and now travel the world doing everything from Snoop Dogg to Johnny Cash with their Lancaster, PA-style.

Fans who get in on the cruise will enjoy meet and greets, three exclusive concerts complete with an open bar, and the right to tell everyone they went on an Amish Outlaw cruise instead of something stupid like hitting the ocean with Kid Rock. At least the Outlaws won't try to sell you Kentucky bourbon by saying "Welcome to Texas." Seriously, that billboard on 610 is like the wrongest thing on the freeway.

Ports of Apparitions Cruise: Now, the term "ghost ship" makes me tingle because I thought that flick was the best horror movie of 2002. No, I don't care if you did or not because having one f means never having to listen to doo doo heads. Unfortunately, this cruise lacks a haunted crew and Francesca Rettondini naked, but it will spend seven days in the Caribbean stopping at supposedly haunted sites and ancient ruins. There will also be stops in New Orleans and Mexico, which the cruise somewhat racistly refers to as a culture with a history of violence so gruesome that blood stained specters must hang around. Nothing screams fun like the screams of the damned echoing across the waves!

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Ken Roberts
Ken Roberts

I'm going on my first cruise this September, The Atlantic Ocean Comedy & Music Festival, which i'd argue is weirder than the Jeff Dunham Cruise. Jeff Dunham's fans seem as though they'd be the type of people who would go on cruises. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy & Music Festival involves putting Marc Maron, John Hodgman, and John Roderick in a cruise environment. It's going to be legitimately weird. Cruises are a supposedly fun thing i never thought i'd do. Many of the other people on the cruise are going to be in the same boat as me.

MadMac topcommenter

"At least the Outlaws won't try to sell you Kentucky bourbon by saying "Welcome to Texas." Seriously, that billboard on 610 is like the wrongest thing on the freeway."

Thank you! I thought I was the only one confused by this WTF? moment. Even by Texas low-bar marketing standards this is goofy.

Now, Jeff Dunham...yeah, it's like Jeff Foxworthy dug up Walon Flowers/Madame and simply managed more redneck jokes. Good stuff, as always, Mr. F.

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