6 Life Lessons Learned From Sharknado

Categories: Film and TV

3. Tornados' polarization can be reversed with explosives and thus permanently stopped
When there are three massive shark-infested tornados swirling over Los Angeles threatening everything in their paths, ripping off limbs and heads as they fly through in a trail of destruction, you may think that waiting it out and hiding is the best course of action. You are wrong. The best way to stop a tornado is to get into a chopper with a sack of homemade bombs that you conveniently just put together from a bunch of random oxygen tanks and sparklers, get really close to the eye of the storm and then hurl one with all of your might. If you manage to lob the bomb right into the center of the storm, which is really not that difficult by the way, you will reverse polarize whatever it is that makes tornadoes happen, and they will evaporate like condensation on the side of a cold Lone Star on a hot day. Going forward in life, we can stop tornadoes and Kansas and parts of the Midwest should be jumping for joy. We figured it out guys!

2. If you get swallowed by a shark, you'll be fine if you have a chainsaw
(SPOILER) The final of the three tornadoes is stopped by Ziering attempting a kamikaze-type drive into the storm, explosives ready to go off, hopefully, at the most opportune time. But just when we think he has made it through with his life, he is swallowed whole by a shark; what a horrible sad ending. Or is it?

Ziering happens to be consumed with a portable chain saw that he had been easily running around with despite the apparatus's massive weight. Once inside the shark, Ziering saws his way out like Jonah and the Whale or Pinocchio or whatever. Even better than saving his own mortality, he also happens to find the still-animated body of his barmaid, who had also been swallowed whole and was inside the shark for no less than two commercial breaks. Remarkably, the two are just fine, albeit covered in shark blood. Apparently, sharks have no digestive system whatsoever. And you said they did science. I will believe nothing that comes out of a doctor's mouth ever again.

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Don't forget this one: When a high-speed hurricane is nearby, leaves on trees will be totally unaffected.


You mean SyFy? They dropped the "c" along with the "i"s from SciFi. ScyFy sounds like Scylla and ... wait, when is SyFy going to do some movie about the horrors of the ancient world resurfacing in Malibu or South Beach or something? I can just see dudebro surfers nonchalantly riding the gnarly waves as Charybdis opens its gaping maw. I now expect royalties on this.

Brian Burch
Brian Burch

Can television get more stupid?? Yes, here's proof...

WestSideBob topcommenter

This movie will become a cult classic at Alamo Drafthouse in years to come.  I can see the audience now ... shouting out lines of  dialog and throwing toy sharks at one another.

MadMac topcommenter

Spec script!

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