The Parade of Bad, Bad Baby Names on Mother's Day from PBS Sprout
When the Daughter With One F insists on watching PBS Sprout in our house, I have something I do to maintain my sanity. I watch the various birthday wishes that you can send in to The Birthday Show flash across the screen, and I make fun of the names of the children mercilessly. On Mother's Day, kids send in their well wishes for mom all day, and so you get the full brunt of the oddball name parade.
Let's be clear. I know this is a horrid, petty thing to do, and that doing it in front of my daughter is repugnant. I accept this and your judgment. You are firmly on the moral high ground if you skip the rest of this article and call me a monster in the comments. I will not blame you at all.
That said... Dearest God and everything Hee Haw, the names that people decide to hang on their children! I have never understood the desire to find the best "unique" baby name in the world. I know a dozen Jeffs, Geoffs and even one other Jef, and I have never once forgotten which one I was or felt less special. Besides, science says naming your kids something wacky usually sends them toward a life of crime. Ain't that right, Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop?
In order to help fully re-create the experience, I decided to give you a minute-by-minute breakdown of what I went through on Mother's Day as my wife soaked in a Lush bath and I allowed TV to rear my offspring.
12:15: This was the name that started out the slow descent of my madness...Wynter Eve. I don't know exactly what chemical is in the water that makes all the world Welsh post-natal, but I would really appreciate the government looking into it. Nah, they're probably in the pocket of the powerful Y lobby anyways.
12: 17: You know, Sesame Street is still a really terrific show. They have bales of hay playing punk music and Elmo remains adorable. I hope Super Grover flies into a wood chipper, though.
12:24: I'm on my fourth Hunter by this point. That's a perfectly acceptable boy's name, true, but it makes me wonder why no one follows it up with Gatherer. You could spell it Gathyrer!
12:34: By now I'm posting these names on Facebook. A girl named Sarah I went to high school with tells me her child's soccer team has twins named Indigo (girl) and Denim (boy). I would probably be arrested for pun abuse if I knew these kids. "In ya go, girl child, den him!"
Sarah also knows a girl named Nevaeh... "Heaven" spelled backwards. It's ironic the things that convince you God is dead.