The Parade of Bad, Bad Baby Names on Mother's Day from PBS Sprout

Categories: Film and TV

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When the Daughter With One F insists on watching PBS Sprout in our house, I have something I do to maintain my sanity. I watch the various birthday wishes that you can send in to The Birthday Show flash across the screen, and I make fun of the names of the children mercilessly. On Mother's Day, kids send in their well wishes for mom all day, and so you get the full brunt of the oddball name parade.

Let's be clear. I know this is a horrid, petty thing to do, and that doing it in front of my daughter is repugnant. I accept this and your judgment. You are firmly on the moral high ground if you skip the rest of this article and call me a monster in the comments. I will not blame you at all.

That said... Dearest God and everything Hee Haw, the names that people decide to hang on their children! I have never understood the desire to find the best "unique" baby name in the world. I know a dozen Jeffs, Geoffs and even one other Jef, and I have never once forgotten which one I was or felt less special. Besides, science says naming your kids something wacky usually sends them toward a life of crime. Ain't that right, Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop?

In order to help fully re-create the experience, I decided to give you a minute-by-minute breakdown of what I went through on Mother's Day as my wife soaked in a Lush bath and I allowed TV to rear my offspring.

Flashback
The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

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12:15: This was the name that started out the slow descent of my madness...Wynter Eve. I don't know exactly what chemical is in the water that makes all the world Welsh post-natal, but I would really appreciate the government looking into it. Nah, they're probably in the pocket of the powerful Y lobby anyways.

12: 17: You know, Sesame Street is still a really terrific show. They have bales of hay playing punk music and Elmo remains adorable. I hope Super Grover flies into a wood chipper, though.

12:24: I'm on my fourth Hunter by this point. That's a perfectly acceptable boy's name, true, but it makes me wonder why no one follows it up with Gatherer. You could spell it Gathyrer!

12:34: By now I'm posting these names on Facebook. A girl named Sarah I went to high school with tells me her child's soccer team has twins named Indigo (girl) and Denim (boy). I would probably be arrested for pun abuse if I knew these kids. "In ya go, girl child, den him!"

Sarah also knows a girl named Nevaeh... "Heaven" spelled backwards. It's ironic the things that convince you God is dead.


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14 comments
HasAGoodName
HasAGoodName

Went to a kid's party this weekend, and there was a 3 year old named Atticus. I don't know why you'd do that to a poor kid.

Nate
Nate

A TV and a child? Good work you fucking monster. GAIA CRIES!

StumpBeefgnaw
StumpBeefgnaw

I work in the awards industry. You can guess what sorts of names I see. Particularly from the ...shall we say, paler parts of town. 

And then when they come to pick their stuff up, I get to hear "omg I don't understand how black people come up with those names for their kids" from people who named their children Bryttynee, Machkynzie, and Jaikebb.

gaijintx
gaijintx

Believe it or not, "Nevaeh" is apparently getting popular these days; this is actually the 3rd Nevaeh I've heard of in the past week (and one of the other two was in Houston).  Still, though, nothing beats the name of the kid in the next room of Texas Women's when my wife had our 2nd munchkin: Nehemiah Lestat Rodriguez.  Biblical *and* Anne Rice-y, all at once.

 

drusilla.grey
drusilla.grey

For the most part, names don't phase me much any more. My kids' school is very diverse, with students hailing from all over the world, so we see all sorts of names.

I do agree with the Y thing. It is just stupid. And I'm also not a fan of the D' thing before names either. I hate Nevaeh. And Yoonique. Yes, I've seen that. And yes I know the Backyardigans have Uniqua, but I don't like that so much either, though the character is cute.

I do like old fashioned names. I think they have some charm to them.

But mostly this article makes me glad my two have outgrown Sprout and Nick Jr.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Funny! But then I have an uncle named Elmer who is quite the fud, while my aunt Winnie was neither tubby, nor a buddy, and not even stuffed with fluff. My point? Leave Mabel, Ethal, Imogene, Eugene, Lester, and Leroy in the 19th century where they belong. Adolescence is rough enough.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Bad labor pain and worse dope is all I can figure.

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

@Nate Does she cry Mary, or is that just the wind's gig?

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

@StumpBeefgnaw I wait anxiously for the day when someone breaks the third N barrier. I call it The Sinnngularity!

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

@gaijintx I would pay good money to see the reject list. No one arrives at that combo without a committee. 

conebaby
conebaby topcommenter

@MadMac I like some old-fashioned names! (My grandpa's name was Lester--they called him Lec--which granted, isn't the best.) My best friend's name is Helen and I love it. If I were crazy enough to have a kid, and ended up with a girl, Alice (Lec's wife) is the name I'd go with. I love Mabel! So cute.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

Winner!

gaijintx
gaijintx

@JefWithOneF @gaijintx As would I, man; come to think of it, we never saw a single person go in or out of that room while we were at the hospital.  OooEEEoooOOO...

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

I can dig it. Aloysius, Euphemia, and Stanislaus are GREAT names--unless you're 12. I grew up with my old, (OLD, I tell you!) man's name, and childhood/elementary school was NOT a hoot. As soon as I collected the scratch and figure out the pleadings, I changed my name...to another old, (Grampy McClellan) man's name. You thought I chose "MadMac" to be cleaver? 

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