Pop Rocks: Which Upcoming Summer Blockbusters Have the Biggest Suck Potential?

Categories: Pop Rocks

Not looking good...
Memorial Day used to be the traditional start of the summer blockbuster season. However, like a Victoria's Secret model's breasts, that date is getting pushed up every year. For 2013, the first quote-unquote summer entry is May 3's Iron Man 3, while no fewer than six movies will open on Memorial Day weekend proper (two of which will be discussed shortly).

Every summer there are hits (I think most people assumed Marvel's The Avengers would do well, just not *that* well) and disappointments (a less than Amazing Spider-Man), some are surprising, some not so much. Today I'm going to utilize my years of experience at jumping to conclusions based on minimal evidence to predict which of this year's summer offerings will disappoint.

No, seriously, I used science and stuff.

Iron Man 3 (May 3)
The Pitch: Focus groups: "We're worried we're spinning our wheels with the millionaire playboy whose tech is so ridiculously advanced it's one step away from magic."
Producers: "Add more iron men."
Why It Will Suck: Ben Kingsley is capable of making Mickey Rourke look understated.
Why It Won't Suck: After the unpleasant Iron Man 2, Jon Favreau is out and Shane Black (of Lethal Weapon and Last Boy Scout fame) is in. Expect lots of smart-assery in between explosions and personal redemption.
Wild Card(s): After a harsh regimen of colonics and "cleanses," Paltrow really does need a robot exoskeleton to survive.
Verdict: Will not suck.

The Great Gatsby (May 10)
The Pitch: "Baz Luhrmann modernizes F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic critique of excess and the erosion of the American dream. Budget: $127 million."
Why It Will Suck: After dingoes ate his baby (Australia), Luhrmann appears to be limping back to familiar territory.
Why It Won't Suck: Maybe Zero Dark Thirty's Joel Edgerton and Jason Clarke will waterboard Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wild Card(s): Will young people's lingering resentment at being forced to read the novel in school overwhelm their curiosity to see DiCaprio smirking for two and a half hours in a tux?
Verdict: Will suck.

Star Trek Into Darkness (May 17)
The Pitch: "Superhuman bad guy (who's totally not Khan) forces Captain Kirk and company to kick ass, as if they needed prompting."
Why It Will Suck: It probably won't; I'm just annoyed we have to wait until the end of the year for the third season of Sherlock.
Why It Won't Suck: The first movie, while not really Trek-like, was good fun. And aside from having the British-est name ever, Benedict Cumberbatch is badass.
Wild Card(s): Alice Eve bravely continues the strong lingerie-clad heroine tradition started by Zoe Saldana and Diora Baird in the first movie.
Verdict: Will not suck.

Fast and Furious 6 (May 24)
The Pitch: "Pitch? Fast Five grossed more than $600 million. There's your pitch."
Why It Will Suck: As I said in my review of F5, these movies exist outside the spectrum of what we commonly refer to as "good" or "bad." They simply "are."
Why It Won't Suck: See above.
Wild Card(s): Does Gina Carano beat the shit out of Vin Diesel? That would be a plus.
Verdict: It will -- and won't -- suck. How zen.

The Hangover: Part III (May 24)
The Pitch: "Hey, they still bought tickets to the second one, and it was *awful*. What have we got to lose?"
Why It Will Suck: Because it wasn't funny the second time? Maybe there'll be a twist: They don't get hungover at all!
Why It Won't Suck: Perhaps we'll all get amnesia before Memorial Day.
Wild Card(s): The entire endeavor could hinge on the return of Mike Tyson. Or maybe not.
Verdict: Will suck.

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No, Pete, maybe Gatsby will be good? Please. (sigh) But Carrey Mulligan's hair looks awesome, let's agree on that. 

MadMac topcommenter

Though Ms. Mulligan is a cute child, I can't imagine anything that could top Bruce Dern's Tom Buchanan.

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