Pop Rocks: Cheer Up, Justin Bieber -- Your Birthday Could've Been Worse

Categories: Pop Rocks

16c0305.jpg
At least nobody *forgot* your birthday, you whiny little maggot.
I'd have thought the worst possible thing about Justin Bieber turning 19 would be that nagging lack of body hair. How wrong I was:

Justin Bieber was preparing for a "big night" on Friday as he celebrated turning 19, but it seems his party plans soon went south.

"Worst birthday," the pop star tweeted on March 1, hours after sharing his excitement for his reported soiree at a London nightclub.

Bieber later reported that he was referring to the treatment of his fans and the "weak ass club" they left was trying to spin the story and holy shit, who cares?

I don't remember my 19th birthday. It being my freshman year of college, I'm sure it involved smoking [harmless tobacco] and playing Axis & Allies until four in the morning. That actually sounds pretty sweet. Sweeter than having to deal with sub-standard discotheques like poor Biebz. Which in turn was a better predicament than some of these b-day disasters.

Harry Potter's "Worst Birthday"
Got poor service at a club after basking in the adulation of fans that will (hopefully) soon be old enough to know better? You could have spent the day alone, then received dire warnings from a creepy house elf.


The People Who Died, Died
At least Bieber survived his terrible b-day. George "Machine Gun" Kelley died in a blaze of, uh, heart attack while locked up in Leavenworth on his, while Casablanca's Ingrid Bergman passed away following breast cancer surgery on her 67th birthday in 1982. And Marvin Gaye didn't even make it to his 45th; his dad shot him the day before.


Don't Tase That Cop, Bro
One big difference between my 30th birthday and this guy's was that no police officers were Tased at my party. :

Lane County prosecutors are expected today to file formal charges against Jessie Alexander Wright, 30, in connection with an incident that occurred shortly after 2 a.m. Saturday outside the Good Times Tavern on East Seventh Avenue.
[...]
Police Sgt. Kyle Williams on Saturday issued a news release that said Wright "grabbed for (an officer's) Taser and forced it back (on) the officer, contacting his leg approximately three times."

More like "Bad Times Tavern," am I right? Oh shut up, you get what you pay for.


"They Fucking Forgot My Birthday"
Samantha Baker's plight would not be shared by Bieber, who probably had fans frantically Tweeting at 12:00:01 just to be the first to record their well wishes. Unlike Sam however, Bieber willingly shows his underpants to everyone, whether they want to see them or not.

On a side note, I love Olivia Wilde.


Walter White: King of Worst Birthdays
For three straight years (if we count the season five cold opening), Breaking Bad's "protagonist" has had some of the shittiest birthdays imaginable. 50th: diagnosed with cancer. 51st: he and wife Skylar go through the motions for Walt Jr's. sake even though their hatred for each other is palpable. 52nd: in the not-too-distant future, Walter eats breakfast alone in a diner just before illegally purchasing a freaking machine gun.

I assume it's illegal, that is. It's not like anyone's passing new gun laws these days.

My Voice Nation Help
0 comments

Now Trending

Houston Concert Tickets

From the Vault

 

General

Loading...