Pop Rocks: Your Guide to Watching Mad Men Without Staring at the "Hamm-Bone"
In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Mad Men star Jon Hamm reveals he's a little tired of all this talk about his enormous genitals:
My eyes are up here, sweetheart.
"Most of it's tongue-in-cheek," he tells contributing editor Josh Eells in his first solo Rolling Stone cover story. "But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have - a prurience."
"They're called 'privates' for a reason," he says. "I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."
Hamm has apparently just discovered people on the Internet are juvenile and obsessed with sex. He better warn co-star Christina Hendricks before ... oh, right.
I sympathize with Hamm to a point. He seems like an affable, intelligent dude and I have no doubt this isn't what he bargained for. On the other hand, cry me a fucking river, Mr. Ridiculously Handsome Star Of A Critically Acclaimed TV Show Who - Oh, Did I Mention? - Is Also Well Endowed. Hamm broke through in the mid-2000s, a full two decades into the tabloid era. I'm sure the lack of privacy and liberties certain online wags feel they can take with your photographs sucks, but you should find some small solace in your two houses and your eight figure AMC contract.
But just to prove we're not all heartless groin fanatics out here, I'm offering a list of alternative areas of focus for Mad Men's upcoming sixth season. The better to spare Hamm's feelings, you see.
Jessica Paré's Teeth
Megan Draper's chiclets have already been in the show's script (in the scene where Megan is told she won't be an actress), so it isn't like they're a landmine to be tiptoed around. Hell, I like 'em. Probably because I had to wear braces for three years and I'm still pissed off about it.
Pete Campbell's Chin, Or Lack Thereof
"Go home and be with your family."
He's the ad man you love to hate.
Roger Sterling's Hair
John Slatery is quite the silver fox (though come to think of it, are any of the show's male characters bald?). And as the show's gone on, he's easily become my favorite character.