We Concoct the Worst Time Capsule Ever

Categories: Pop Culture

Hundreds of years from now, anthropologists will stumble upon a time capsule. They'll marvel at the contents and then call their historian buddies, who hold advanced degrees, to talk shop.

All of these nerds, together in one room, will be awed. All of these nerds will also be completely hoodwinked.

You see, there won't be archival copies of The Beatles' White Album or 35-millimeter prints of The Godfather. The time capsule won't contain fringe yet just as important markers in Planet Earth's history such as John F. Kennedy's moon speech at Rice University.

No, hundreds of years from now, in our time capsule -- which we'll pass off as a legitimate, important beacon from the past -- you're going to get things like Flamin' Hot Cheetos, Maroon 5's Greatest Hits (which should be a blank CD-R, really), and a clipping of every newspaper article that uses the word "gastropub." Houston will figure prominently, too, with memorabilia from its disgraced athletes and a preserved, forever young local politician.

It's going to be so cool when we fool all of those geniuses.

A signed 8-by-10 glossy of Carrot Top
Because an autographed photo of Pauly Shore would be taking it too far.

Pictures of construction on Gulf Freeway, one from each of the last four decades
"Or the same picture four times, because you won't be able to tell the damn difference," says a fellow Art Attacker.

Harry Potter books
"People actually stood in a queue for this tripe," the excavators might say.

Ugly Houston Astros and Rockets uniforms
And maybe some of those awful Astros' baseball cards.

A Texas A&M Yell Leader
On second thought, this "legacy" is something that doesn't need to be preserved.

American Idol Season 7 box set
No explanation needed.

The one and only
A living, ageless Sheila Jackson Lee
Never has there been a more dedicated public servant in American politics.

Bloody syringe from Roger Clemens
Or something that will show the special rock-star treatment he got from the 'stros during his comeback.

Governor Rick Perry's hair
Rick Perry was a yell leader, too!

Yao Ming's medical bills
His family will stay be paying in the year 2213.

A Varsity Blues DVD
Screw Friday Night Lights for an awesome depiction of Texas high-school football. FNL didn't have James Van Der Beek!

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Michael T. Delgado
Michael T. Delgado

Oh wow, memories. My little league (T-ball) uniform was exactly like this.


There is a time capsule buried underneath the old movie theater that used to also be the Oriental Gourmet in Clear Lake. I can't wait to see what's in it. It is set to open in a couple years.

Adam Socki
Adam Socki

There is a time capsule buried underneath the old movie theater in Clear Lake that used to also be Oriental Gourmet. Opens in a couple years. I hope to see it!

Yankee InTexas
Yankee InTexas

Pictures of Joel and Vickie Osteen- as well as all the other 'pastors' in Texas that have made religion a business here

Ryan Lindsay
Ryan Lindsay

A membership card to the Westboro Baptist Church.

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