Let's Recap [Most Of] Super Bowl XLVII's Commercials

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Kick the tires at your peril, nerd.
If companies spending $4 million for 30 seconds of Super Bowl LXVII airtime seems grotesque to you, well, that's because it is. But the fact remains, the NFL's championship game is still viewed by some 100 million people across the nation. And in what may be shocking news to some, not everyone watching is paying attention to the action on the field. Seriously, how many people outside the Bay Area and Maryland respectively gave a frog's fat ass about the game? Aside from you degenerate gamblers, I mean.

Enter the advertisements, which -- as science proves -- are what most people are tuning in for. Never mind that just about every commercial aired during Baltimore's's victory over San Francisco was available online days before kickoff. Where's the fun in that? How would you be able to share your opinions about the relative merits of Coca-Cola's fizzy battery acid vs Pepsi's? Or, alternately, fall under the hypnotic spell of Kaley Cuoco's hips?

I had no interest in the outcome of the game. On one hand, San Francisco has plenty of championships already. On the other, Ray Lewis can take his incessant (and convenient) bleating about Jesus and bury it with his blood-stained suit. And with no bets on the game, I was free to devote my full attention to the night's slate of commercials. Blackout and all.

I broke the ads down into logical categories, ignoring any of the NFL's self-congratulatory BS or CBS's own promos.

The Hotties


"Bar Rafaeli Makes Out With Walter"- GoDaddy.com
Why mess with a winning formula? GoDaddy is a terrible domain registrar, but nobody cares because TITS. As for this ad, I'll just say I'm glad I wasn't eating at the time.


"Asking Amy" - Best Buy
Yes, Amy Poehler is hot. My only complaint is they didn't put her in any of those low-cut dresses she's been favoring at recent awards shows.


"Gay Kraftwerk Video" - Calvin Klein
Like any of that "Concept" underwear would fit the average NFL fan.


"Kate Upton Washes The New Mercedes CLA" - Mercedes-Benz
[Okay, I didn't actually see this air, but everybody said it was going to so it counts]
*Ahem* Apparently Mercedes recouped the $4 mil it blew by shooting this in a parking lot outside Giddings. Oh, and one word kid: underwire.



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