Straight or Gay, Find Love on Valentine's Day the Jodie Foster Way

Categories: Film and TV

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Welcome to the Golden Globes dating site
Awards season. The Emmys, Grammies, Oscars, Tonys, Golden Globes--all esteemed institutions of praise that exist to honor and exhibit the deserving few. Or are they simply another viewer-packed vehicle for television networks to sell premium advertising until the next NFL season begins?

No Matter. The bravado and backslapping that accompanies its awardees' acceptance speeches sometimes amuses more than whatever the award itself is honoring. Like Fun.'s Nate Ruess's pee-pee dance at the Grammys' podium. But few acceptance speeches have been more talked about recently than Jodie Foster's Golden Globe Awards confessional.

Dressed in blue metallic Giorgio Armani and looking amazing for her 50 years, Foster was the recipient of the Globes' 2013 Cecile B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award. In her acceptance speech, Jodie startled at least her publicist by coming full-out as a lesbian. (Less startled were those who remember Ms Foster's similar announcement at a 2007 Women in Entertainment breakfast, but that's another topic for another blog post--probably during Pride month.)

Beyond thanking Globers for the well-deserved accolade, beyond showing the world what a middle-age lesbian can and does look like (which is to say, happy, healthy, in control of her life, and at the top of her game,) Foster also declared on no uncertain terms that she is on the prowl in that vast, harrowing jungle we call dating. In fact, she was cruising the room. Wearing her ovaries on her sleeve in front of 20 million viewers. Ballsy.

Welcome to the jungle, Jodie. Jodie Foster would make a great girlfriend. Fifty million lesbians and Mel Gibson already know that. On Match.com, Jodie's personal ad might read: "Middle aged single lesbian seeks companionship. Professional, self-employed mother of two boys. Love animals (especially lambs), walking in the forest. Creative, sometimes speak in my own private language. Your pic gets mine."

No need to mention that Jodie's pics are already available on Netflix.

But instead of coughing up the traditional membership fee that accompanies online dating sites, Jodie economically used that Golden Globes opportunity to subtly deliver her personal selling points to potential suitors. Anyone, lesbian or otherwise, can expect to put more V in Valentine's Day by using her template:

"I'm 50. You know, I was going to bring my walker tonight, but it just didn't go with the cleavage."

Translation: Jodie owns her half-century mark, but isn't all militant and menstrual about it. She can still be a little self-deprecating while simultaneously calling attention to her amazing 50-year-old rack. That's charming. And hot.

"It is the most fun party of the year, and tonight I feel like the prom queen."

Translation: "I know how to have a good time." More importantly, despite winning likely hogging all the display space on the family mantle with her myriad awards, she sites being prom queen as the top prize. So down-to-earth! Jodie's priorities are straight, even if she is not.

"All of these people sitting here at these tables--they're my family, of sorts. Fathers, mostly."

Translation: Family is important to her, and not just biological family. Beware possible daddy issues, though.

"...I'm going to need your support on this....I am single. Yes, I am. I am single. No, I'm kidding, but I'm not really kidding, but I'm kind of kidding."

Translation: Tongue-tied! That's precious! Though not necessarily the most enviable trait in a lesbian.

"...Love people and stay beside them."

Translation: In imparting this inspirational advice, Jodie stresses that she values loyalty and supports her friends. No matter what. Even if they're drunk and abusive and anti-woman and anti-Semitic and haven't made a watchable film since Conspiracy.

"There is no way I could ever stand here without acknowledging one of the deepest loves of my life, my heroic co-parent, my ex-partner in love but righteous soul sister in life, my confessor, ski buddy, consigliore, most beloved BFF of 20 years, Cydney Bernard. Thank you, Cyd."

Translation: Here Jodie takes more than a moment of precious airtime while being recognized for her stellar career--during a professional apex--to conjure her ex. Rare, regardless of how evenly the two split the CDs when they split the relationship. Some of us might take a similar opportunity to thank our exes in a nyah nyah, how do you like me neeowww kind of way.

No, instead, Jodie chose to highlight her evolved, peaceful, and nurturing co-existence with her former partner. A No-Drama Mama. Refreshing.

Or, she's lying sack of Sappho who is still in love with her ex, can't let go even while being televised, and will bring more baggage to a new relationship than a Kardashian packing for a week's stay in Houston during winter.

"...This feels like the end of one era and the beginning of something else."

Translation: None needed. Cornball? Absolutely, but still one of the greatest pick-up lines of all time employed by searching, sensitive singles, regardless of whether they seek Mr. Right, or Ms Right Now. If that line doesn't suit you, just remember what that sweet-talker, Nell, always says: "Chicka, chicka, chickabee. T'ee an me an t'ee an me. Ressa, ressa, ressa me. Chicka, chicka, chickabee."


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