Kate Upton Is The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Cover Girl Again Because Duh

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For the second straight year, jiggle queen Kate Upton is gracing the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. The swimsuit issue, that annual bonanza of boobs, bikinis, beaches and body paint, hits the street this Thursday, February 14.

At least some fellas this Thursday will have a date for the evening, and a cheap one at that. All 43 shots from her shoot have leaked somewhere online as well, to the applause of millions.

Miss Upton's reign of terror continues, as men and women are becoming increasingly split on their opinion of the 20-year-old pin-up from Florida.

Some see her as a beacon of hope for thicker women, while others are sick and tired of seeing her huge dumb blonde boobs all over their Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr feeds and think she should just die already.

Oddly enough, none of those voices are men.

Upton has also been hailed as a '50s-style pin-up for the '10s, which I definitely agree with. But not as an "ideal." Jessica Rabbit could be labeled "ideal," too, but in reality wouldn't be able to walk with her measurements.

Upton hawks everything from headphones to cheeseburgers to luxury cars, which means she's become somewhat ubiquitous.

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People calling her "thick" is still kinda funny to me. It's like ordering a Double Quarter Pounder without the cheese and calling that healthy. She's still pretty far off from normal. Close to average, possibly. If your average is a Houston Texans cheerleader.

Upton is the first cover girl to grace two consecutive swimsuit issue covers since Tyra Banks in 1996 and 1997.

She could three-peat in 2014 too, unless she gets knocked-up by a quarterback or something. Come onnnnnnn, Tim Tebow, wife that shit.

The whole body paint thing is back as well, with Upton wearing what looks like painted-on silver chains (above). They even inexplicably flew her down to Antarctica to frolic with penguins.

This year's issue features accidental celebrity Katherine Webb in slinky swimwear, if chicks that work for Inside Edition doing anything for ya.

With this cover, Upton cements her place in the SI pantheon of cover gals that create unattainable standards for other women all over the world.

She joins her spiritual forebearers Christie Brinkley, Kathy Ireland, Banks, Heidi Klum and Elle Macpherson, and what's her name, that one chick who married the fat kid from Stand By Me. Yes, the one from X-Men.


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2 comments
jasonofthesea
jasonofthesea

oh, hey look - there's words in this article, too!

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