The 10 Most Horribly Depressing Children's Books

Categories: Books
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The Liberal Clause: As I've pointed out before, it's never too early (or even very expensive) to use your young children as a repository for your own airheaded political and social beliefs. Failed Tea Party candidate David W Hedrick decided he would harness the magic of Christmas to explain exactly how Obama would steal America. Granted, this is clearly a work meant for adults who only think like children, but there is no way in all the seven hells that someone who bought this didn't try to use it to warp a kid against everything liberal by painting it as socialism. Using Christmas. Where as far as kids go everything is bequeathed to you by an invisible overlord for free.

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Alfie's Home: Not to go back to the same social well, but the top spot can't belong to anything but Alfie's Home. The book was, this is not a joke, submitted as evidence on the recent Supreme Court hearings on California's Prop 8. I could understand if it was the pro-same sex marriage side doing so as proof of the complete idiocy of their opponents, but nope, a children's book was held up as honest scientific evidence.

It's written by Richard Cohen, a famed reparation therapy expert. His theory is that gays reproduce by touching children who are neglected by their fathers, thus making them gay and want to touch children in return. It's written with the same style and grace of a man trying to attempt anal sex with his sleeping wife, and has more failure of logic than FIFA 12. In addition to completely misunderstanding literally everything about same-sex relations except the fact that people of the same gender touch each other's genitals, it teaches an even worse lesson.

Uncle Pervetron? Nothing happens to him. After Alfie attends a single counseling session and realized (phew) he's not queer, his uncle apologizes and everything goes back to normal (not gay). He doesn't go to jail, and everyone apparently trusts him to keep his bad touches to himself. Parents, don't do this!

Oh, and Alfie ends up married to a woman named Nancy, which is a joke so obvious I'm not touching it because I'm afraid it's a booby trap.

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9 comments
Alexander
Alexander

When I was a kid the worst you could get was Grimm's fairy tales. Now you have to deal with crap such as having too mommies or daddys and all other kinds of perversion.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

And here I thought "Absalom, Absalom!" was the worst children's book ever. BTW, I'm tweeting the yodeling pickle bit when I'm off the JOB dime.

JefWithOneF
JefWithOneF topcommenter

@Alexander Yes, because a loving homosexual relationship is far worse than a wolf telling a little girl to slowly undress, burn her clothes, get into bed with it, and then eat her. 

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