CBS' New Dress Code For The Grammys Takes The Fun Out Of An Otherwise Awful Awards Show

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Back when the Grammys were cool.
A Grammys dress code. Who will enforce this, and how do I become a Grammys hall monitor? I don't care if I have to wear a weird, Bobby Brady-style sash on the red carpet -- sign me up. I'll be drunk with power. Also, probably just drunk.

With CBS still smarting from its bungling of the Super Bowl XLVII blackout coverage and a (supposed) Beyonce halftime nip slip, the CBS Program Practices wing released wardrobe guidelines this week for Grammy Awards attendees.

With the awards show happening this coming Sunday evening, surely tons of artists had to go back to the drawing board to come into compliance with CBS, who fear a wardrobe malfunction.

The text of the CBS memo can be seen below. The term "female breast nipples" takes the fun out of female breast nipples. Plus, NO UNDERBOOB OR SIDEBOOB. That's the best part of the Grammys. Hell, that was why I watched the Golden Globes, for all the sideboob.

What will gossip sites and your gay friends have to talk about on Twitter, if not cleavage, ass, and nip slips? Are we supposed to get off on legs and bare backs? What is this, 1922?

I quit bro.

CBS Program Practices advises that all talent appearing on camera please adhere to Network policy concerning wardrobe.

Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare flesh under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic.

Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared.

OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent's wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.

So this means that there will be no sideboob, underboob, nip-slips, sheer tops, ass cheeks, ass crack, crotch shots, curse words, "puffy" bare skin (I guess they mean vagina lips??), and no one can support their favorite causes either.

And damn, don't even think about trying to skirt the rules by using a foreign language.

This means that the only people who will be at the Grammys this year will be like, the rock dudes, Adele, and Carly Rae Jepsen. Everyone else will be too damned scared to even show up.

I'm bummed because Miley Cyrus is usually one of the main sideboob offenders. And recently Taylor Swift has even been showing some skin. What gives, CBS? What will we right-click and save on Monday morning?

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Has CBS -- the network that has broadcast the Grammys since 1973 -- ever seen the Grammys?

"Please avoid sheer, see-through clothing"?

That's like asking these musicians to make music or not show their vaginas when they get out of the limo or perform live.

There are so many stars worthy of this dress code -- many of them more worthy of the dress code than the designation of "star" but that's another blog post. The list of likely Grammy dress code offenders starts and ends with Lady Gaga, unless she shows up in a womblike egg again, but that's unlikely.

But since she's well known for "exposing bare flesh under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack" I really think The Lady of Gaga might be in trouble this year. Can she resist temptation? Will she even come within 100 miles of the Staples Center in Los Angeles?

And when I read the phrase, "please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples" how can I help but think of Janet Jackson, but her wardrobe wasn't exactly see-through so much as it was ineffectively fastened and/or pastied.

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Most likely violator of this no-nip rule? It's a tie between Rihanna, who lately seems to relish in negative attention, and Jesse J. who basically just enjoys playing with that fine line between "being dressed" and "nudity".

"Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible "puffy" bare skin exposure."

I really want to believe this is a coded message to Sean [insert current nickname] Combs, but it clearly is not since all of instructions that specifically mention body parts up to this point have been directed toward women. Puffy bare genital skin -- what is that exactly? It sounds more like a concern for one's doctor than the censors.

Is your skin "puffy" "down there"? Where, down there, is it puffy? And please, please--who is in charge of analyzing and determining puffy crotch skin at the Grammys? Because that guy needs a raise.

My vote for Best Puffy Genital Skin at the 2013 Grammys?

Kanye.


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1 comments
eudemonist
eudemonist

Lolzacopter...this is an amusing column.  Well done!

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