10 Most Bizarre Valentine's Gifts on Etsy

Categories: The Intertubes

Valentine's Day is pretty tame in the House With One F. Just a card, stuffed animal, chocolates, wine, and maybe a small present. But some people like to go above and beyond on the day, and for that Etsy has just the thing... provided that in addition to having a loving significant other you are also a raging stack of raisin cakes.

Women like jewelry, something women and people who sell jewelry tend to shout at me wherever I go. Show your girl what it really means to be joined together with this vestigial or parasitic twin necklace. Yes, the tragedy of improper separation in the womb of twins perfectly symbolizes the unbreakable bonds of love. It's even sort of heart shaped, if you squint at it out of that living but unseeing eye located in your pancreas.

What's a girl to do if she wants to give back in the bauble department and send the same message of eternal biological union? Why, hook up your man with these silver plated Human Centipede cuff links. As an anime once stated, "How can you say you love her if you can't even eat her poop?" Warning, not water proof.

Valentine's Day can be a wonderful opportunity to passive-aggressively work out your differences. Think your husband needs to lose weight? Buy him some weights. Or if you prefer to howl your fears about his deepening alcoholism through a bizarre accessory, these recycled beer can hats with crocheted trim should send home the message in a big way. The seller also makes a Monster Energy Drink version, perfect for telling off the neglectful gamer in your life.

I like buying custom greeting cards on Etsy. I got this beautiful one depicting Rory waiting for Amy Pond from Doctor Who for my wife this year. Some of the things you can find, though, are... less beautiful and tasteful. I really hate to knock this seller because I think it is very noble to want to craft a line of biracial greeting cards, but it would be easier to praise it if it didn't remind me so much of art done by John Wayne Gacy.

You may be considering getting a big old stuffed polar bear for your women to snuggle with when you're away on your extended business trips eliminating the Robotic Dinosaur Terrorists or whatever non-writers do, but have you seriously thought about a Reborn Baby Doll? If so, congratulations, it's inside your head now whispering secrets from between the realms. My stars and garters, if there's anything in the world creepier than that picture little "Baby Evan" probably consumed it in the womb.

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LOL I love the human centipede cufflinks. I've seen t-shirts with the same design but not cufflinks! The realistic baby dolls always get a bad rap. I've seen them before at http://www.reborndollmart.com and thought they were pretty cool, but that's just my opinion!

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