Basic, Practical Sex Tips For the Married Man

Categories: Random Ephemera

I've been with my wife for close to 13 years now, and like a lot of married people sex isn't always as dynamic or often as either of us might like. It's hard to find the time for love when you're both busy with work (two jobs in my case), school (nursing for her), and raising a child that is STILL CLEARLY AWAKE AND PLAYING WITH HER LEAP PAD. I CAN HEAR YOU, YOUNG LADY, GO TO SLEEP. See what I mean? Things get in the way.

Now, people will tell you that's just how it is when two people are married for a while, but I'm here to tell you those people are quitters. It's perfectly possible to keep the physical romance alive if you're willing to look at it as any other problem that you face in your marriage.

This isn't a Cosmo article, OK? I'm not going to tell you to run out and get a steampunk vibrator to spice things up even though that's totally an option. Nor do I have some new "naughty" style of coitus for you to try out. This is real advice for real busy people, and the more pragmatic about it you are the better.

Schedule Sex: I know people think that sex is supposed to be an emotional, completely spontaneous event, which is weird because I as a young man went to great lengths to plan a path to intercourse. Love is unbridled, like a horse. Majestic, wild, and free like a horse... I should probably drop this analogy here.

That may be the popular thought, but experts agree that setting a regular date for sex is the best way to ensure that you both receive a healthy amount of release. It may seem strange at first, but it doesn't take long to get into the habit. My advice is to pick the most boring, routine day of the week, like a Wednesday. Weekend days are unpredictable, and that's entirely against the point. And hey, if you suddenly decide to get down some other day, it's like a bonus. Spontaneity is great, but it shouldn't be a prerequisite.

Take a Shower First: There's nothing wrong with the point in the relationship where you're comfortable enough to fart in each other's presences. Trust me, the stress of maintaining the "perfect you" that you pretended to be when you were dating would rip you apart if maintained for the entirety of married life.

Just because you've reached that point though, doesn't mean that your partner lost her ability to smell. If you've been sitting in a chair all day letting out gas bombs because you're alone in your office and who cares, then I promise your nether regions smell like death. When you come home just say you're going to take a brief shower before dinner. Brush your teeth, trim your nails, and if you happen to know what scents your wife likes then use them. LUSH bath products may seem girly, but a good smelling man is a powerful lure for any lady. Trust me.

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What do you think about the Little Rooster alarm clock vibrator?  I bought my wife one and she wakes up feeling pretty warmed up on the days she uses it.  Mind you, scheduling that in with children small children can be a bit of a task...


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