Pop Rocks: Everybody Relax, Here Are Your 2013 Oscar Predictions

Categories: Pop Rocks

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The Academy Awards are this Sunday (6 p.m.), like you weren't already stocking up on wine and making sure you have E! and ABC on your "last" channel presets for comprehensive red carpet coverage.

Or maybe not. Perhaps, like certain bloggers who prefer to remain nameless, your interest is financial in nature. There are website contests aplenty (The Numbers, for example, is giving away DVD or Blu-ray copies of every Best Picture nominee to their contest winner), as well as office pool, Oscar parties, and offshore sites for those of you who may actually be foolish enough to wager real money on one of the most arbitrary popularity contests this side of, well, the Golden Globes.

Whatever form Gamblor has taken in your own personal compulsive betting Ghostbusters-style "choose the form of the Destructor" scenario, I'm here to help. I only ask for a 15 percent cut and Jessica Chastain's phone number.

Best Picture
Amour
Argo
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Django Unchained
Les Misérables
Life of Pi
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty

Remember back when the nominations were announced and Kathryn Bigleow's flick about the long, dark tea time of America's soul was the presumptive favorite? Yeah, neither does anyone else. Argo is much more crowd pleasing and much less controversial, which is funny considering it's probably much more fabricated than ZDT was.

Winner: Argo


Best Actor
Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook
Daniel Day-Lewis - Lincoln
Hugh Jackman - Les Misérables
Joaquin Phoenix - The Master
Denzel Washington - Flight

Phoenix and Washington were both excellent, but it wouldn't matter if anyone had understood The Master or if Flight *hadn't* been a manipulative piece of garbage, the only way DDL loses this is if the T-1000 goes back in time and murders him as an infant.

Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis


Best Actress
Jessica Chastain - Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva - Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild
Naomi Watts - The Impossible

Chastain faded down the stretch, thanks to a bunch of wins for Lawrence, who rides the momentum in. Voters are also possibly afraid of Seth MacFarlane making Quvenzhané jokes.

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence


Best Director
Michael Haneke - Amour
Ang Lee - Life of Pi
David O. Russell - Silver Linings Playbook
Steven Spielberg - Lincoln
Benh Zeitlin - Beasts of the Southern Wild

Hey America, you just re-elected your first black President! What are you gonna do next? We're giving Steven Spielberg his third Best Director Oscar! This will time for second all-time alongside William Wyler and Frank Capra.

Winner: Steven Spielberg


Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin - Argo
Robert De Niro - Silver Linings Playbook
Philip Seymour Hoffman - The Master
Tommy Lee Jones - Lincoln
Christoph Waltz - Django Unchained

This is a tough one, but not for reasons you might think. This is going down to the wire between Jones and Waltz, both of whom have won once before. It's a tough call, but I think you have to give it to TLJ. What tipped it for me is he's a 66-year old man who still goes by "Tommy."

Winner: Tommy Lee Jones

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