Pop Rocks: Just In Time For The Oscar Noms, Here Are The Worst Movies of 2012

Categories: Pop Rocks

The Words

[Klugman's] choice of leading man doesn't help. Let's be honest, Cooper's at his best when playing a jagoff. He's like Bradley Whitford in that respect (maybe it's just the name "Bradley"). Here, he appears fundamentally unable to convey anything but quiet embarrassment for his actions.


Total Recall

Hollywood has a Philip K. Dick problem. Don't get me wrong, studios seem to appreciate the famed author's work, and have optioned several of his properties for feature films (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep begat Blade Runner, "The Golden Man" begat Next, etc etc). Trouble is, they can't help butching up his stories with action sequences and chase scenes that are often completely absent from the source material (Minority Report, Paycheck). It's almost as if Hollywood doesn't trust its own audiences' capacity to comprehend Dick's frequently visited themes of subjective reality and malleable identity.


The Watch

The "Not So Brief Plot Synopsis" of The Watch could just as easily have read: "dick joke, dick joke, gay joke, dick joke, piss joke, gangsta rap gag done better 13 years ago in Office Space, Andy Samberg cameo, dick joke." The variety of references to male genitalia and how they can best be utilized is truly staggering, but stops being funny around the 15-minute mark. Then again, without them you'd barely have enough material to fill a sitcom, much less a feature film.


Chernobyl Diaries

And now that I mention it, the setting itself is a problem. The Chernobyl disaster killed thousands and is still causing suffering and hardship to millions affected by the incident in Ukraine and Belarus, yet to Parker and company it's merely a gimmick to squeeze a few more bucks from the dwindling population of moviegoers not yet bored out of their minds by idiots venturing into catacombs in the black of night.


TIE: Wrath of the Titans/Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

I sincerely hope you don't remember any of that Edith Hamilton stuff you read when you were a kid, otherwise Wrath of the Titans is going to make your brains leak out of your head holes. I mean, Clash played pretty fast and loose with the old myths, but Wrath is basically the Scarlett to Clash's Gone with the Wind. Was Io brought back to life just to conceive and give birth to Helius? What the hell is the minotaur doing in Tartarus (not that they refer to him by name)? Didn't we used to take Ralph Fiennes seriously as an actor?

Meanwhile, I almost felt bad for Nicolas Cage in GR:SoV. He so clearly wanted to make a faithful adaptation, and is actually a big fan of the comic (not so much so that he'd name his kid Johnny Blaze, however). The ensuing slapdick production, however, made the original Ghost Rider look like The Dark Knight. Even better: as long as Cage still has tax hassles, he'll keep cranking them out.

And giving interviews that are this full of glorious, unmitigated horseshit.


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13 comments
conatonc
conatonc

Worst movie I saw in 2012 was Dark Shadows. Of course, I'm not a critic so I try to avoid the bottom of the barrel.

Mary Urech Stallings
Mary Urech Stallings

Sorry to say, I only saw 1 movie, in a theater, in the last 7 years. Argo, fuck yourself?

Mary Urech Stallings
Mary Urech Stallings

Sorry to say, I only saw 1 movie, in a theater, in the last 7 years. Argo, fuck yourself?

Mary Urech Stallings
Mary Urech Stallings

Sorry to say, I only saw 1 movie, in a theater, in the last 7 years. Argo, fuck yourself?

MeredithD
MeredithD

I hated myself for watching "American Reunion."

Anthem in Art
Anthem in Art

Might take us awhile to decide ... there were so many

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