Reality Bites: The Bachelor

Categories: Reality Bites

You gotta save the cray-cray until at least episode 4, Ashley P.
There's also a host: Chris Harrison kind of looks like Mark Walberg (the Antiques Roadshow guy, not the famous one). He's here to introduce some of the women before they start embarrassing themselves on national TV. Some of them are obviously being set up as favorites, for example:

Desiree: a 26-year old bridal stylist, who's cute in a Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise soul excavation way
Sarah: an ad exec from L.A. who's very into her career. And did I mention she only has one arm? Because she totally only has one arm.
Lesley: a 25-year old environmental advocate from DC. This Arkansas native is not into all the "nerds and politicians" in the District. So you became a lobbyist? That's an SEC education for you.
Tierra: she's 24 and a leasing consultant. Her intro makes her seem very genuine and down to earth, except we've already seen acting like a complete head case in the extended preview. Or maybe ABC thought we couldn't tell one fake tanned set of sculpted eyebrows from another.

There are also two Houston contestants. Robyn is in sales and engineering, and she can do a backflip? How can Sean resist? SPOILER WARNING: she tries to cartwheel out of the limo and wipes the fuck out. AshLee (one of three Ashleys) is also from Houston. She's a professional organizer. The fact we have professional organizers gives me some insight into what probably killed George Carlin.

And then there are those who are destined to go out in a blaze of glory, like Ashley P, another stylist whose inability to land a man couldn't possibly have anything to do with her weird fixation on Fifty Shades of Grey. SPOILER WARNING: she gives Sean a necktie, procured from her cleavage, when they meet. How many copies did that stupid book sell? We don't get intimate portrayals of the other 16, leading me to believe they won't last long (I know, that's some Batman level detective work). Some of the weirdos show their colors during the limo introduction, in which the contestants are paraded before the bachelor like well-coiffed sides of beef: Daniela does some kind of freaky frat-boy handshake, Kelly from Nashville sings, and Paige was on Bachelor Pad 3 (which sounds like an 80s movie starring Corey Haim, Eddie Deezen, and Bert Convy as "The Landlord").

Sean is especially taken with Tierra, so much so that he breaks the rules and gives her a rose before she even makes it to the house. This is not what is commonly known as a "First Impression Rose," but is just a regular rose like you get during the ceremony. This I know because every one of these chicks has researched the show the way non-stylists from the Midwest The Price is Right. The joke's on him, anyway, as we already know Tierra is b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Personally, I liked Amanda, who insisted on getting the awkward pause out of the way at the outset, and Desiree (call me "Dez"), because who didn't love Joey on Dawson's Creek?

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I must be the only person that has never watched The Bachelor. I have no idea what the rules are or what the true purpose of this show is (although it reminds me of lengthy speed dating if that even makes sense). My DISH co-workers spent an entire hour trying to explain to me what is what and the significance of Kacie B. on this season of the show. So after all of this, I’ve decided to keep watching to see what all the craziness is about. The Bachelor airs when I’m at work so I’ve got my DISH Hopper ready to record the new season. It can record up to 2,000 hours of TV shows and movies so I don’t have to rush through what I’ve already recorded. That way I won’t miss any of the crazy shenanigans.

conebaby topcommenter

I'm pretty sure I watched the first season of The Bachelor, and maybe Bachelorette, but none since. I found myself watching this at the gym and then got sucked in -- mostly to see how he would react to the woman with one arm. I'm not sure if that makes me a horrible person.

Two hours later (yes, I watched it LIVE--torture) I was relieved to learn that this show is as stupid as I thought and I don't care about it. My favorite moment was definitely the girl who bit it on her second back walkover. Lesson: If you don't keep your junior cheerleading squad skills sharp, you will lose them.

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